Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't know if this is the right forum to post this. Sorry.
I am nearly 50. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 30 years (married for 22).
I am not diagnosed but after our youngest (14) had her initial triage and subsequent referral for asd, have realised there's a strong chance I am also asd due to many similar behaviours.
My husband has severe dyslexia and has always required support. He has self taught himself and has developed his skillset.
Over the years, he has strived to accomplish through self employment as the workplace has often led to him developing anxiety and depression due to their lack of understanding about his learning difference and way of working.
He recently asked me to consider replacing my wage (I am part time and do not earn a great deal but love my job) with his so I could be home to assist (we would use savings to help whilst he built up the self employed aspect,). I said I would but never did. He took the leap and now the savings are gone, we are in a place where he cannot earn enough. He has a short term income which is not secure and also not enough time to work on building up a long term opportunity/project.
I struggle to make decisions. I am scared about risk. I try and people please. He is stressed and frustrated. Every time we try and discuss it we argue, I get overwhelmed, he gets more frustrated and we go round in circles.
I don't understand what to do. I get upset. I stim. It then turns into the focus being on me and he feels even more cast aside. The kids hear us argue and the eldest (anxiety/low mood) withdraws and the youngest seeks out attention and provokes conflict with anyone.
I'm destroying my family. I don't act like a grown up. I hate responsibility to the point I hide from it. I walk away from anything I find difficult.
I don't know what to do.
i dunno it sounds like hes the one at fault... he had a business idea, his business idea is a risk, it failed to bring in money as with most start up businesses because business in the uk actually dont make money unless its landlording... because no one in the uk likes to spend anything...but anyway, your lucky you didnt give up your job for it because youd be in a worse position and have less money or be broke already.... but the fault is clearly on your husband. his idea, his failing, his sinking of your savings.... thats all on him.my dad did a similar thing, he was out of work for a while and my mum always worked. my dad had a idea to start up a tyre changing business and get a loan for it and get in debt for it.... it wasnt profitable, it was in a bad place, he had no customers, he had no tyres in, tyres were so expensive that changing someones tyre he only made £5 profit for it himself despite the tyre changing cost being like £250 per tyre because getting the tyres was nearly all of the cost of a tyre change.... he lost his business and had to somehow pay off his debt. he had arguments with my mum over financial situation after that but that was his fault... he even then tried blaming me, but i had nothing to do with it, it was his fault, his business, his risk, his debt, his idea, his fault. i think when you fail like that they lash out at others and try to pass the blame.
No I think you are slightly too quick to form a decision there Caelus. I believe this woman is having an existential crisis, which is a serious thing by the way, and which can definitintely not be treated by the NHS.
i dunno i re-read her story and i still stand by what i said...and i may add... shes not running away from responsibility and a fear of risk is normal and common sense.... she did a good call by keeping her job and by keeping her job she kept responsibility, keeping job was the responsible choice of her. she isnt as irresponsible as she thinks of herself. irresponsible people take risks, and shes afraid of risks, that is responsible and smart to avoid a risk.furthermore she remains in the relationship which shows again she doesnt just run away like she said as she stuck with the relationship.she seems to have alot of these negative thoughts in her head that by her own story seems to be untrue as her story points opposite, that she doesnt run away and she is responsible. where does the issues come from... her partner taking risks... risks that then put them in financial stress. that risk sounds like it was the wrong call and caused this financial stress. keeping her job sounds like its the only thing keeping their household afloat. so she made the right call and the risk her partner took that she was afraid of proved her fears of risk were correct. but yet shes hanging in there and staying along with it all showing she isnt running away.thats my analysis of the story from the information i read.as to the answer of what she can do, thats tricky as financial situation are always difficult. but she has a job, the best bet is to keep it.... but it sounds like the advice would be mainly for her partner to get a job if his self employed idea fails to bring in money... he has to learn when to admit failure and stop and find another path... he needs to bring in a income source and if his self employed idea isnt working then he needs to sign on with a agency. he doesnt need to scrap his idea entirely just shelve it for a while whilst he gets a income source and maybe do his idea after work as a hobby or extra first before it grows into a sustainable business?
That's a good analysis. I just wish you weren't giving advice to people in Britain, a country that MAKES NO SENSE. You are logical in your answer but my fear is the authorities are bloody idiots.