Published on 12, July, 2020
Good morning!
I was diagnosed earlier this year and thought it’d be a good idea to open up to some likeminded people, as to maybe try and ease my loneliness and also speak with people who may understand my experience.
I’m nearly 30 and have always felt very isolated and alone, as I am high functioning, I have masked all my life and have been very successful in hiding all my traits.
This has led to feelings of shame around who I actually am, which in turn makes the masking even more exhausting as I’m in a constant negative feedback loop that I will only be accepted as long as I present as neurotypical.
I unfortunately, often feel like a bad person, as I don’t connect in the ways I see everyone around me. I’m very blunt and can’t lie to save my life, I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but everyone around me seems to be able to have their own opinions and that’s fine, but if I do, I’m an awful person.
I'm exhausted trying to figure out the unwritten rules of humans, I don’t notice hierarchy, I don’t know when it’s a good or bad time to speak in a social setting, I don’t know how to show I care, even though I do deeply, I have been told I come off as cold many times throughout my life.
Sometimes, it just feels like no matter how much I try, it isn’t enough.
I apologise for the more negative post, I’m just feeling very overwhelmed and if anyone has any tips or things that have helped them not be so hard on themselves, I’d really appreciate hearing them.
NAS90798 said:This has led to feelings of shame around who I actually am, which in turn makes the masking even more exhausting as I’m in a constant negative feedback loop that I will only be accepted as long as I present as neurotypical.
If you can afford it, I heartily recommend getting a therapist who has experience of dealing with autistic adults and work through your issues with them.
Your path is one that many of us had trodden in various ways so the experiences and feelings are much more common than many of us realise. You are not alone in this and you will find many like minded people here to talk with.
I believe a key to finding some peace it to accept who you really are - embrace the autism (you don't have to broadcast it) and understand yourself. With experience you can become confident to stand up for what you need and want then advocate for yourself to live in ways that make you feel well.
We are never going to be like the 95% of neurotypicals around us so don't waste too much energy on doing so. Your therapist will be able to help you through a lot of this.
There can be a lot of positivity with practice. Start with understanding autism and how you are affected by it then you can start to find ways to take the edges off the painful stuff, make more space for you to do what makes you feel good and build on your confidence - these are the steps to the other side of this dark place.
Welcome to the group.