Published on 12, July, 2020
Good morning!
I was diagnosed earlier this year and thought it’d be a good idea to open up to some likeminded people, as to maybe try and ease my loneliness and also speak with people who may understand my experience.
I’m nearly 30 and have always felt very isolated and alone, as I am high functioning, I have masked all my life and have been very successful in hiding all my traits.
This has led to feelings of shame around who I actually am, which in turn makes the masking even more exhausting as I’m in a constant negative feedback loop that I will only be accepted as long as I present as neurotypical.
I unfortunately, often feel like a bad person, as I don’t connect in the ways I see everyone around me. I’m very blunt and can’t lie to save my life, I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but everyone around me seems to be able to have their own opinions and that’s fine, but if I do, I’m an awful person.
I'm exhausted trying to figure out the unwritten rules of humans, I don’t notice hierarchy, I don’t know when it’s a good or bad time to speak in a social setting, I don’t know how to show I care, even though I do deeply, I have been told I come off as cold many times throughout my life.
Sometimes, it just feels like no matter how much I try, it isn’t enough.
I apologise for the more negative post, I’m just feeling very overwhelmed and if anyone has any tips or things that have helped them not be so hard on themselves, I’d really appreciate hearing them.
I feel like you and I are “suffering” through the same type of stuff that I only became conscious of a year ago and that is “normal standards” as I would call it. Meaning your standards in everything in life is based off of people without any diagnosis since that was what you probably thought yourself to me until you got your diagnosis. I myself am everyday chanting in my head about this and always try to catch myself when I compare myself with someone like my sister that is what I call “normal”.
To change something that’s so deep in your core is unfortunately going to take a lot of time and my first real step in the right direction is coming to this site to pick up information from autistic people for my new and improved standards. I feel that sometimes sharing your negative experiences can be quite reliving especially when it’s anonymous. Since nobody is going to know who you are anyway why not just dump it all out and be done with it ehe. You might just get some good advice in return ehe.
I only know of this technique of telling yourself everyday by testing it and seeing results, I did just that with my self confidence of my body and have come to love it by complementing myself in the mirror all the time which made me believe it completely and is rarely affected when/if someone comments on my body.