Published on 12, July, 2020
Good morning!
I was diagnosed earlier this year and thought it’d be a good idea to open up to some likeminded people, as to maybe try and ease my loneliness and also speak with people who may understand my experience.
I’m nearly 30 and have always felt very isolated and alone, as I am high functioning, I have masked all my life and have been very successful in hiding all my traits.
This has led to feelings of shame around who I actually am, which in turn makes the masking even more exhausting as I’m in a constant negative feedback loop that I will only be accepted as long as I present as neurotypical.
I unfortunately, often feel like a bad person, as I don’t connect in the ways I see everyone around me. I’m very blunt and can’t lie to save my life, I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but everyone around me seems to be able to have their own opinions and that’s fine, but if I do, I’m an awful person.
I'm exhausted trying to figure out the unwritten rules of humans, I don’t notice hierarchy, I don’t know when it’s a good or bad time to speak in a social setting, I don’t know how to show I care, even though I do deeply, I have been told I come off as cold many times throughout my life.
Sometimes, it just feels like no matter how much I try, it isn’t enough.
I apologise for the more negative post, I’m just feeling very overwhelmed and if anyone has any tips or things that have helped them not be so hard on themselves, I’d really appreciate hearing them.
I understand your frustrations, I am 50 and was diagnosed only 6 months ago, I am still on the rollercoaster of relief and horror at the fact I have spent my life in a world that doesn't understand me. I keep going back over all the events in my life with my new ASD goggles on and I am quite honestly distraught at how hard life has been. I often think 'What if I had known earlier' but then I think as a woman it wouldn't have made much difference.
I have had some rough times lately with what I believe is Autistic burnout, my life revolves around typical's and as you say, it's exhausting trying to work through the unwritten rules, many of which they don't even know themselves.
Happy to chat, I could do with it myself as I struggle to share with family.
Thank you for sharing your experience, I really relate to everything you mentioned. It is very shocking looking back on how unfairly we can be treated and in my personal experience, just how naive I was for such a long time. I agree with the being a woman statement though, I often wonder if earlier diagnosis would’ve changed things, but I’m not entirely sure it would’ve either. I’m currently in a burnout myself, so I really empathise with you right now, I know how tough it can be! I would love to have a chat, please feel free to message me, I’m unsure still how to use this site, but I’m more than happy to chat :)
Hello 90798, I am Number.
You sound measured, reasonable, self aware....and young!
Imagine being you....but 20+ years from now....and only THEN realising what you describe with such clarity and resonance above! That's me mate (although i am a bloke...I most closely fit the profile of a late diagnosed female...ie highly "effective and flexible" masking capabilities.
Rest assured, you are DEFINITELY not alone....but perhaps you haven't previously met the rest of us like you. We're here = well done for seeking us out.
I hope to find you elsewhere in these pages soon.
Welcome.
Kind regards
Number.