Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I just need some much needed advice. I have two boys on the spectrum. One is 21now and has Aspergers Syndrome. My youngest is 18, he’ll be 19 in December and is High Functioning. It’s my youngest who is the handful. .
Since he was 16 he lived with his dad following suffering with NES for a year and really hating the area I used to live.
in the last year, I’ve moved house and got married, i didn’t intend to do both those in the same year. My youngest has for the last year been vaping and I can’t seem to get him to understand that I don’t want to breathe in the fumes and to do this outside. He says ok but then doesn’t do it. He won’t listen to curfews and comes in at silly o’clock. His girlfriend is younger than he is, she has only in August turned 16, to me this is too young for him. She lives closer to where my new house is, so he stays with us at weekends to see her and us, but mostly it’s to see her. It puts a huge strain on life. I don’t know how to deal with his behaviour. Both his teenage years and his Autism make this stage of his life really hard. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this stage, I’d be so grateful!
Your youngest is an adult technically so your approach will need to reflect his status - I would suggest laying down the rules of the house and the consequences of breaking them.
Tell him if he is vaping in the house then you get to confiscate his vapes and refils and destroy them. Repeated breaking of this rule will result in and escalation (you chose what things you pay for that you can remove access to, eg mobile phone, subscription to Netflix or whatever) but it needs to be something he will feel the effects of.
This is going to be an introduction to actions and consequences that will be important to help him transition into working life.
If he breaks curfew then lock him out (have a chain on the door) - make him have to knock on the door to be able to get in and make him wait and explain himself before he is allowed in.
A second break of curfew should result in him being disinvited for the next 4 weekends to make it hurt getting to see his girlfriend.
A 2 year age gap is nothing. I have a 6 year age gap to my wife and many friends have more than this - she is old enough to make an informed decision on her own as is he so let them be.
Like most babies, when it comes time to fly the nest you sometimes need to make it unpleasant for them to hang about and be a problem. If they follow the rules then they are welcome - make sure this is repeated so they know the pain they experience is of their own doing.
That would be my approach.
Thank you. I think when it comes to the girlfriend, it’s more that she has only just turned 16 that we’re not happy with - you’re right, in general a 2yr age difference isn’t bad, but my son being an adult means that we of course can’t stop him from seeing her.
After speaking to him earlier, I was having a conversation but he went off on one which turned into a huge meltdown - shouting, swearing at me and hitting the wall. I’ve told him that if he’s not back by 11pm that he’ll have to stay somewhere else or drive straight back to his dad’s house. I did that in collaboration with his dad. I’ve told his dad that if it continues, then he can’t come to stay with us at the weekends till he learns, which we were both in agreement with…but, how long for will be the next problem.
NAS89578 said: I’ve told him that if he’s not back by 11pm that he’ll have to stay somewhere else or drive straight back to his dad’s house.
That is a great start - I'm glad his dad is on board with you on this as it takes some courage when the kickback is as raw as it was.
I would keep reinforcing the rules - give it to him in writing if he works well with things in black and white and have exceptions to the rule under clearly defined situations (eg his and/or her birthday) when he gets a pass to stay out late.
He will be wanting to feel like an adult and do the things he thinks adults should be able to do, but he needs to be taught that being an adult involves following rules too when you are staying with someone else. Maybe treating him like an adult in more areas when he is compliant is a way to defuse the feelings about the stuff that he is not allowed to do will help.
This should allow enough freedom to stop him thinking he is trapped in a prison at home.
Good luck with progress here.
You have the nuclear option of refusing his visit if he does not follow the rules - not one to be taken lightly as it means you get to see even less of him, but so long as you spell it out clearly and give escallating warnings then you are well within your parental rights to teach him about these consequences.
The punishments don't need to be financial, they can be earned freedoms which involve being free to come and go so long as you respect the house rules.
I would definately keep close co-ordination with his dad over this so he is getting it from all fronts and does not see you as a pushover.
Thank you. It’ll be a one day at a time process for the curfew, but last night was positive progress, I called him at 10pm to make sure he was on the way back and he was actually back before 11pm. I’m not expecting that to happen every time though, so it’s baby steps. The next thing to tackle is his vaping - that’s not so simple at all. I also found out yesterday he’s actually not doing it at his dad’s house, i think this was after his dad and older brother chucked a load out. I agree with you about chucking them out if they’re in the house and it is what his dad has clearly done too. But, I’m also thinking that his dad finances his life now as he lives with him, so the only way to deal with it is potentially to just stop him from staying here with us till he has quit. I can’t think of any other thing to use as a consequence, there are no financial things I can take away from him.