Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I just need some much needed advice. I have two boys on the spectrum. One is 21now and has Aspergers Syndrome. My youngest is 18, he’ll be 19 in December and is High Functioning. It’s my youngest who is the handful. .
Since he was 16 he lived with his dad following suffering with NES for a year and really hating the area I used to live.
in the last year, I’ve moved house and got married, i didn’t intend to do both those in the same year. My youngest has for the last year been vaping and I can’t seem to get him to understand that I don’t want to breathe in the fumes and to do this outside. He says ok but then doesn’t do it. He won’t listen to curfews and comes in at silly o’clock. His girlfriend is younger than he is, she has only in August turned 16, to me this is too young for him. She lives closer to where my new house is, so he stays with us at weekends to see her and us, but mostly it’s to see her. It puts a huge strain on life. I don’t know how to deal with his behaviour. Both his teenage years and his Autism make this stage of his life really hard. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this stage, I’d be so grateful!
Your youngest is an adult technically so your approach will need to reflect his status - I would suggest laying down the rules of the house and the consequences of breaking them.
Tell him if he is vaping in the house then you get to confiscate his vapes and refils and destroy them. Repeated breaking of this rule will result in and escalation (you chose what things you pay for that you can remove access to, eg mobile phone, subscription to Netflix or whatever) but it needs to be something he will feel the effects of.
This is going to be an introduction to actions and consequences that will be important to help him transition into working life.
If he breaks curfew then lock him out (have a chain on the door) - make him have to knock on the door to be able to get in and make him wait and explain himself before he is allowed in.
A second break of curfew should result in him being disinvited for the next 4 weekends to make it hurt getting to see his girlfriend.
A 2 year age gap is nothing. I have a 6 year age gap to my wife and many friends have more than this - she is old enough to make an informed decision on her own as is he so let them be.
Like most babies, when it comes time to fly the nest you sometimes need to make it unpleasant for them to hang about and be a problem. If they follow the rules then they are welcome - make sure this is repeated so they know the pain they experience is of their own doing.
That would be my approach.
Thank you. I think when it comes to the girlfriend, it’s more that she has only just turned 16 that we’re not happy with - you’re right, in general a 2yr age difference isn’t bad, but my son being an adult means that we of course can’t stop him from seeing her.
After speaking to him earlier, I was having a conversation but he went off on one which turned into a huge meltdown - shouting, swearing at me and hitting the wall. I’ve told him that if he’s not back by 11pm that he’ll have to stay somewhere else or drive straight back to his dad’s house. I did that in collaboration with his dad. I’ve told his dad that if it continues, then he can’t come to stay with us at the weekends till he learns, which we were both in agreement with…but, how long for will be the next problem.