On the road to Diagnosis

Hello.

I'm Christopher, 39 from Brighton.  I work as a Teaching Assistant and I'm an artist.

I've always struggled with social interactions.  Like something doesn't seem to quite fit and I feel awkward, dislocated and (nearly always) lonely.  Sometimes I meet people that I click with and that is like fire.  It is wonderful and then when they're gone, its like I don't understand inside me how to feel anymore.  When they're gone from my life seemingly forever, it feels like I'm crushed on the inside.  Too many people around me causes panic, especially when they're all talking at once - I can't follow the flow of conversations and I start to feel at odds with myself and want to run away or just freeze, then I feel sad and distant before panicking.

I overthink everything until my head hurts.  Especially when I care about something I'm going to be doing or people I like.  Its like I'm having five conversations with myself as they're talking and I'm trying to work out what their intent is.

I struggle with my body.  Before my counsellor said I was very likely Autistic, I was scared of telling her (and others) that my body doesn't quite feel like my own, like there is always some kind of distance between my head and touch.  I thought I had gender dysphoria at one point, but going down that path didn't make me any more comfortable in my skin.  Things I touch often feel intense - things like leaves on bushes can feel very uncomfortably sharp whilst bricks feel softer.  I described it to a friend I've opened up to as feeling like I'm sometimes watching myself do things or that I'm "wearing" my body like a bag.

Things sometimes 'shimmer' with my eyesight.  I've bought it up with the optician, but they never found anything wrong.  Things sometimes look like there is a kind of sparkle around them.  Stones at the beach are the most noticeable, its like I see them all individually and not as a 'beach'.  I can't really explain it...

I like having a routine given to me and being pushed into it being fulfilled because I thrive on routine, but I'm *terrible* at making my own.

I like jobs if I'm socially interacting.  Doing a 'task' like being someone to welcome others at church or serving coffee lets me concentrate on the task and not overthink.

I feel like my head, emotions and body are all three separate things that work independently and rarely do they all fully agree that something is good\bad\pleasurable\wanted.

I'm sorry for the long intro, but I'm just looking to see if anyone else shares in some of my experiences here.  I'm still waiting to be formally diagnosed and am likely to go private as I don't want to wait two years at this stage of my life.