Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello.I'm Christopher, 39 from Brighton. I work as a Teaching Assistant and I'm an artist.I've always struggled with social interactions. Like something doesn't seem to quite fit and I feel awkward, dislocated and (nearly always) lonely. Sometimes I meet people that I click with and that is like fire. It is wonderful and then when they're gone, its like I don't understand inside me how to feel anymore. When they're gone from my life seemingly forever, it feels like I'm crushed on the inside. Too many people around me causes panic, especially when they're all talking at once - I can't follow the flow of conversations and I start to feel at odds with myself and want to run away or just freeze, then I feel sad and distant before panicking.I overthink everything until my head hurts. Especially when I care about something I'm going to be doing or people I like. Its like I'm having five conversations with myself as they're talking and I'm trying to work out what their intent is.I struggle with my body. Before my counsellor said I was very likely Autistic, I was scared of telling her (and others) that my body doesn't quite feel like my own, like there is always some kind of distance between my head and touch. I thought I had gender dysphoria at one point, but going down that path didn't make me any more comfortable in my skin. Things I touch often feel intense - things like leaves on bushes can feel very uncomfortably sharp whilst bricks feel softer. I described it to a friend I've opened up to as feeling like I'm sometimes watching myself do things or that I'm "wearing" my body like a bag.Things sometimes 'shimmer' with my eyesight. I've bought it up with the optician, but they never found anything wrong. Things sometimes look like there is a kind of sparkle around them. Stones at the beach are the most noticeable, its like I see them all individually and not as a 'beach'. I can't really explain it...I like having a routine given to me and being pushed into it being fulfilled because I thrive on routine, but I'm *terrible* at making my own.I like jobs if I'm socially interacting. Doing a 'task' like being someone to welcome others at church or serving coffee lets me concentrate on the task and not overthink.I feel like my head, emotions and body are all three separate things that work independently and rarely do they all fully agree that something is good\bad\pleasurable\wanted.I'm sorry for the long intro, but I'm just looking to see if anyone else shares in some of my experiences here. I'm still waiting to be formally diagnosed and am likely to go private as I don't want to wait two years at this stage of my life.
ChrisArt said:Some of how I have been feeling (and sometimes acting) has made me feel like I'm completely insane
Just be partially insane as I am
Seriously, though, you are definitely not:
ChrisArt said:Its nice to know I'm not alone
Thank you for the link. I've taken them this evening.190 on the RAADS-R and 40 on the AQ 50 question test.Its nice to know I'm not alone. Some of how I have been feeling (and sometimes acting) has made me feel like I'm completely insane and that isn't a nice feeling
ChrisArt said:I've always struggled with social interactions.
Me too.
ChrisArt said:Too many people around me causes panic, especially when they're all talking at once - I can't follow the flow of conversations
ChrisArt said:I thrive on routine
Again the same, although I am good at making my own routine.
I'm not sure re the body stuff and my eyesight is too awry to know whether it's what you experience of just having odd eyesight.
You have asked if 'anyone shares in some of your experiences, and I'm sure it will be a 'yes'.
If you are seeking some further confirmation of autism, one of the tests would be a good option, if you haven't already done one.
The RAADS-R formed part of my diagnosis procedure:
https://embrace-autism.com/autism-tests/
All the best.
Its not jumbled at all and I totally get all of what you've said.My doctor has tried putting me on Sertraline in the past, but it just erases my personality. And my emotions. Its like being disassociated 24\7. Which is like a nightmare.I took an AQ test with my counsellor. I scored 34. Some of that was erring on the side of caution because I can't remember much about being a child... so we had to work on the basis that struggling now was something I always struggled with.I'd love to make friends, too, as I often struggle with that.
Hi Chris,
Upon reading your intro i feel like what you have put is literally me! Im 41 i have 7 children youngest is now 12. I also have grandchildren, anyway i have always felt that i was ' different' i used to think it was just due to losing my mum to CJD when i was 13 years old, after watching her deteriorate for five years but as ive got older and struggled with many more obstacles including school and learning after my episode of turning to alcohol to deal with grief at a young age it also felt like it helped me mask and interact with people better than i could in a sober state. I dont even know whether any of this is making any sense. I have always struggled socially and find it hard to follow conversations and instructions at times depending on how much information is given, i get really overwhelmed if there are too many people talking at once and too many people around me, sometimes i can hide it well by how do i explain it.......like numbing myself but then i dont know if thats part of my complex ptsd and panic disorder. I used to suffer multiple panic attacks a day until my doctor put me on propranolol i still have them just not as intense. Im about to start my third year of my open university degree and I am currently waiting to hear back from the Autism assessment unit as i know deep down wiuth how i am as a person that im on the spectrum and it provides me with some relief in a weird way so i proceeded to contact my doctor who gave me the adult a10 quotient which i scored very high on so they referred me to the unit. I wish they would hurry up as then i could possibly find it easier to get some extra support whilst studying, i dont know how i have goit this far albeit i am having to redo year 3 i dont remember half of what i have learned im totally unorganised (my desk is so so untidy) I dont know how to learn study skills or what my learning style is. I found this website ansd would love to make some friends on here
rachael
Im sorry if all that is jumbled
Hi Chris, I'm Pegg - I'm a school mentor and allegedly artistic!
Welcome to the Community!
Welcome