Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, my name is Dave and I'm 36.
I've had a series of failed relationships in my adult life, ending early on (2-3 month) and each have ended suddenly with reasons similar, that I say things that put the other person down. Little things that add up. Or that I don't ask about the other person or consider them like I should. in my own mind I feel I am considerate at the time and don't realise, but on reflection now I can understand the way I can make a partner feel. But each have always made the point that I have a heart of gold and that I am a good man. I want to be clear that I am a good person and would never intentionally do anything to hurt anyone in any way.
I write now after researching and realising that I believe I am autistic.
I cried tears of relief and understanding whilst reading an article online explaining autism in a relationship and I've now found this board to talk about it. It's not just relationships I seemingly struggle with, I don't like group socialising, i home in on specific things I enjoy and over-talk about them. For example, I recently found a love for gardening and I now realise its because it calms me inside and takes away the world. I find comfort in dogs. I'm convinced dogs can sense my mind and they usually always want to be next to me to comfort me, even the kind of dogs that don't crave attention with other people.
I also love cars and although I've never had any mechanics training, I can diagnose and fix them and enjoy doing this with my car. The same goes with things in the house. I've diagnosed and fixed boilers amongst other things. I'm very practical and take lots of satisfaction in finding solutions. My mind won't rest until normal order is resumed, no matter what that may be. Consistency is everything to me.
I have a very very mentally challenging job, which involves rapid problem solving at a high level with consequences, and I excel in this. My mind is suited perfectly to this role and I now add that into the mix as to why I'm very good at that, but can't make a friend or socialise easily. I like my own company and doing things my way. I will plan everything, for example I feel like I have to plan a day out and leave no stone unturned so I know what to expect. Whilst saying all this, I crave to be happy in a relationship and would love my own family and I hope now with this realisation that I can explain all this to a future partner who is willing to understand, help and accept that this doesn't make up the person that I am, I just simply do and say things a little differently.
I have a 7 year old niece who is autistic and still non-verbal and it's through her that my very first realisation came, but I never explored it until I received further recent truths from another recent failed relationship and now everything just seems to make sense.
I'm waffling now, as I tend to do!
I am going to explore receiving a diagnosis and the thought of this makes me feel relief inside.
I just wanted to post this and get the relief of writing that I believe I am autistic. If anyone can relate or offer advice, please feel free to respond.
Thanks for reading.
Dave
Hey Dave. I am not sure whether I am still in a `kind of` relationship or not??!!!! I get angry at the fact that this breakup could be down to my autism, as it has never been stated as such. I lovey girlfriend, and due to my loyalty am finding it hard to let those feelings go (-I am not a quitter??!!). I feel like I am sitting waiting for the next decision, from my gf, and I keep trying to tl myself that it shouldn`t be this way....I should be looking out for me and, if she decides that she still wants something between us then so be it....I just feel that I am the one that has made tngs go wrong (-although I suspect she is on the spectrum and is blaming me for things that have gone wrong in her life,,,,even before I came on the scene!!)....Anyway, blah, blah, blah......If youo go for a diagnosis let us know which road you have chosen to go down and whether you have deemed it to be a worthy one...All the best mate
Thanks for reading and sharing your own story. I also struggle to process why things end in a relationship as I never understand, but now I'm beginning to realise I think differently and my brain works a different way. I think almost all of my relationships have ended because of traits I gave which I now suspect to be autism. Sometimes we have to go through a mental block when a seperation happens, but it doesn't last forever and someone new will come into your life. It's hard to let go initially, but if things don't work out then try take all the things you've learnt about yourself and with that person and put that into your next relationship.
Best of luck to you.