Published on 12, July, 2020
This is my first post, an introduction to me. I’m not sure how in depth the introduction is supposed to be but as I’ve been typing this I’ve gone deeper into my psyche than I realised, admitting stuff to myself that I hadn’t really thought about.
I have struggled in my years on this planet, always fought to appear ‘normal’. I have risen to the challenges life brings and I have managed to hold my own and succeed in elements but after decades of doing this I am now just exhausted by it. I am at a stage where I am struggling to cope so I feel that acknowledging my troubles and finding better coping strategies is the way forward. Behaviours that I thought were ‘normal’ are in fact just normal to me.
Over the years I have been diagnosed with a number of mental health issues but none of them seemed to truly fit me, the doctors rightly seemed to focus on the symptoms I described rather than the characteristics I didn’t tell them about and it was these characteristics that were the real troubles.
I remember at school being talked about as having characteristics of ASD/ADHD but it wasn’t taken further due to the then negative perception of ASD (different times) but over the years these character traits never went away I just covered them up. My parents focussed on the very high IQ rather than the ‘symptoms it was covering up. It turns out I wasn’t covering up very well as when I speak to my boss and partner they are not surprised as I have been displaying the characteristics without realising it was so obvious, even my parents acknowledge there’s a very good chance I’m on the spectrum now there isn’t the stigma attached to it these days.
I watch how my colleagues interact and the friendships they build and I’m realising I actually don’t have any real friends, I know I have my partner and pets, family that live close by but I am so lonely.
Thank you for your welcoming replies.
I realise there is still an element of judgement around the adjective ‘autistic’ but I am lucky that my work environment is an incredibly supportive one and my colleagues are lovely medical professionals. Back in the day at the schools I went to an ASD/ADHD description meant you were probably put into a special class, you were expected to be disruptive and not allowed near any sharp objects.
Even these days I’m not going to be wearing a badge with ‘Autistic’ on it, it just means I get to know myself a little better. It means if I know myself a little better and then I can help other people who need to know understand my needs.
Hello Looney Tunes, and welcome to the forum.
Looney Tunes said: but after decades of doing this I am now just exhausted by it.
Oh yes, I know just how you feel, as will others here.
I was diagnosed at the age of sixty-seven after a near lifetime of struggles, during which I received several different diagnoses, each containing the word 'anxiety'. I saw NHS counsellors, a psychiatrist and several psychologists before eventually going private and receiving what I have no doubt at all was the right assessment / diagnosis. During most of this time I worked and tried to mix with others and behave like them in order to fit in... 'masking' it is called, but I think of it as 'faking', and I see you use the term 'covering up', they all mean the same and are extremely exhausting.
It all came a bit late, but at least I now know just who I am and understand my differences and a great deal of my past.
I have gained much peace of mind, as I hope you will.
Ben
Yea - but Desmond - you also have "us lot on here" - AKA your select group of God-knows-whats ! I wouldn't like it nearly as much if you weren't around mate. I might not be quality, but I am part of the quantity that evidently value you. It's easy to forget the simple blessings sometimes mate. Stay happy.
Hello Looney Tunes, I am Number.
Welcome to this place.
Your introduction is very resonant with my feelings at the time that I realised that it was an autistic brain underlying most of my curiosities and inexplicabilities. It was quite a relief to know. I am MUCH calmer these days now that I am armed with that knowledge.
I hope you will choose to stick around for a while to join in with some of the threads and see what resonates back at you too.
One word of friendly caution to you though....for what that is worth......you say;
Looney Tunes said: now there isn’t the stigma attached to it these days.
.....and I say, "I wouldn't be too sure of that Looney Tunes!"
Many discussions in this place seem to confirm my personal experience that there remains PLENTY of stigma associated with autism.
Anyway, I don't want to rain on your parade - so I simply finish with another WELCOME !
Kind regards
Number
Quality, not quantity, of friendship is important.
You have a partner, and pets. That's more than I have. But I focus on my select group of contacts.