Published on 12, July, 2020
This is my first post, an introduction to me. I’m not sure how in depth the introduction is supposed to be but as I’ve been typing this I’ve gone deeper into my psyche than I realised, admitting stuff to myself that I hadn’t really thought about.
I have struggled in my years on this planet, always fought to appear ‘normal’. I have risen to the challenges life brings and I have managed to hold my own and succeed in elements but after decades of doing this I am now just exhausted by it. I am at a stage where I am struggling to cope so I feel that acknowledging my troubles and finding better coping strategies is the way forward. Behaviours that I thought were ‘normal’ are in fact just normal to me.
Over the years I have been diagnosed with a number of mental health issues but none of them seemed to truly fit me, the doctors rightly seemed to focus on the symptoms I described rather than the characteristics I didn’t tell them about and it was these characteristics that were the real troubles.
I remember at school being talked about as having characteristics of ASD/ADHD but it wasn’t taken further due to the then negative perception of ASD (different times) but over the years these character traits never went away I just covered them up. My parents focussed on the very high IQ rather than the ‘symptoms it was covering up. It turns out I wasn’t covering up very well as when I speak to my boss and partner they are not surprised as I have been displaying the characteristics without realising it was so obvious, even my parents acknowledge there’s a very good chance I’m on the spectrum now there isn’t the stigma attached to it these days.
I watch how my colleagues interact and the friendships they build and I’m realising I actually don’t have any real friends, I know I have my partner and pets, family that live close by but I am so lonely.
Hello Looney Tunes, and welcome to the forum.
Looney Tunes said: but after decades of doing this I am now just exhausted by it.
Oh yes, I know just how you feel, as will others here.
I was diagnosed at the age of sixty-seven after a near lifetime of struggles, during which I received several different diagnoses, each containing the word 'anxiety'. I saw NHS counsellors, a psychiatrist and several psychologists before eventually going private and receiving what I have no doubt at all was the right assessment / diagnosis. During most of this time I worked and tried to mix with others and behave like them in order to fit in... 'masking' it is called, but I think of it as 'faking', and I see you use the term 'covering up', they all mean the same and are extremely exhausting.
It all came a bit late, but at least I now know just who I am and understand my differences and a great deal of my past.
I have gained much peace of mind, as I hope you will.
Ben