Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there,
I'm new to the group and wanted to come here to ask about this as I think it might be an Autistic thing.
I've really messed up with a friend of mine (we're both on the spectrum). My grandfather passed away recently with us all at the bedside, and just the other day, my friend lost her grandfather too. However, while I didn't know her grandparents, it feels like her family weren't supporting him at the end...her parents were out at a dinner with friends, despite knowing her grandfather was unwell, and her grandmother was all alone with her grandfather when he died. And even though they live near each other, her grandmother told them by text. They really should have all been with her grandparents as we were with my grandfather, that's what families should do. I just thought all this was appalling, so when she texted me to say her grandfather had died, I told her that it was so wrong her grandmother was on her own with him and that she should go over to be with her. My friend got really upset by this and now isn't speaking to me. She claims that they're all very close and that they'd been in and out supporting her grandparents all the time, and that they hadn't known it was going to be that day, and I was 'judging how her family grieved'– that her grandparents had wanted things to go on as normal right up until the end of her grandfather's life, and that ideally her grandmother wanted to be alone with her grandfather at the end (to be honest, I wonder if that's even true, she's never told me that before). She said she was upset with me and didn't want to speak to me until after the funeral. Of course I'm so sorry to have upset her, especially with what she's going through, I feel so awful, and I did apologise, but I just think how her family treated her grandfather at the end of his life was really wrong, especially as my grandfather was so supported by us all, and I felt it was important to say that. Also I think it's a bit unfair she's said she doesn't want to talk to me for a few weeks, because I think we should be supporting each other as we've both just been through the same thing.
Please be honest, I can take it!
Thank you.
Thank you, absolutely, I think I need to give her space. I've been too focussed on myself here but I do stand by that her grandfather wasn't treated well by her family. If you know a family member is going to pass away you should be with them, not off having dinner or sitting at home.
But did they know he was going to pass away then that evening? People can’t sit at a bedside for days or weeks without leaving it’s just not reasonable especially for an entire family to do that. I happened to be at my Grandad’s passing by chance because my usual plan for the evening was cancelled and I happened to be visiting him when he passed away somewhat unexpectedly. My Mum, aunt and uncle were also there. I was heavily pregnant and very unwell with a nasty virus when my Nan died so I stayed at home and my Mum phoned me in the morning to say she passed away. Just because your friend didn’t say before that her grandparents wanted to be alone doesn’t mean that wasn’t true. My uncle and aunt were alone together in the hospice when my aunt died and it was a very peaceful experience for them together. Just because your family did or experienced something a certain way doesn’t mean that everyone else has to do exactly the same. I have this with my husband quite a lot he can’t always grasp that different families grew up differently to him, what he did and his parents and brothers and sisters did wasn’t some sort of unwritten law that everyone in the world does. Especially when it comes to death and grief people experience and deal with it in very different ways and you have essentially told your grieving friend that you think they didn’t give a F about the dying grandfather, at least that’s highly likely how they interpreted what you said