Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel like part of my has just "shutdown", "checked-out" or "shut up shop"? It's like I'm doing the bare minimum to get by - working, cleaning myself and closed but not much else. I have lots of hobbies and crafts that I like, but I'm maintaining them but buying stuff for them, but doing very little with them. Thing is, I can't work out how I'm feeling. if I'm sad or depressed. I feel more confused as to why every thing has stopped. If I just leave it, will I start up again, or has everything changed for good. I think I'm just waiting for something to be different, even though it might never change. I think that worries me, as I used to enjoy working out and I'm not doing that, needle craft and doll art still has my interest to watch other people doing it, but not myself anymore. Drawing and painting used to help, but that's died.
I've been focusing on not being too hard on myself and just seeing what happens which is why I've not been to upset and stressed by it. But how will I know if this is just my life now, or if I'll be what I was before?
As a side issue, I finally looked at my medical history online. I didn't realised I'd been diagnosed with anxiety in my teens, or fully diagnosed as an anorexic. My mother didn't tell my and the doctor didn't do anything about it either, but it was there in black && white. Is this unusual? I'm 52 so maybe that happened a lot back in the day.
Yes. i gave up on most aspects of actual outside life many years ago. I now generally stick to the house. I might add walking to my routine again soon. If i can fight through being so depressed and come out the other side of that. As soon as i hit the pavement it's like remembering what you could have won. The faceless NT's passing you in the streets. I mean, i'm sure most of them are miserable too, given that's it's the UK in 2023. But i will never stop envying them. The best an Autistic can do is suppress your envy of regular folk. Some will be better than others at that.
I think that's what I've done given up aspects of outside life". I'm not sure I intended to, or how I feel about it. Weird thing is I used to do this repeatedly and when I was younger and get really down and destructive when it happened like I was tired of trying to keep up. Eventually I would move on. This time I feel like I'm watching it in slow motion. I'm not sure it this is progress or not. Maybe it's because this time round I think I'm armed with ND knowledge?
I was never envious, but insanely angry at NTs - like they wanted me to carry on despite how many time I broke down. Like nothing was more important to them than my pretending to be normal whether I liked it or not. "I was living to spite them in my head! You want normal? Get a load of this!"
Right now who knows what I'm doing.