Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
Recently took AQ50 test online and scored in the mid-40s. So much of my life story now makes sense. I have also considered other conditions and have realised I am mildly dyslexic, something which I understand is often comorbid with autism.
As a woman I have spent my whole life masking, with the inevitable stress that causes. I have been hospitalised 4 times, 2 of which were sections, due to extreme depression, anxiety, and my resultant actions.
I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in, watching but unable reach others, not understanding their behaviours, their jokes, especially females. It has always been a bit easier with men who tend to be more direct.
In a recent move, I got a house with a garden. Having a garden and not working meant I could have a dog. Due to a bereavment, someone I know had taken on the brother to her dog but they fought, so she gave him to me, knowing he would have a good home. He is a wonderful clever kind friendly little dog and my constant companion. Despite our respective ages, 66 and 13, we do agility and have a number of wins under our belts. He is my life. I have never had this close a relationship with anything, anyone which is wonderful but scary as I will outlive him. With him, I can socialise because he makes the introductions. I can look at him rather than at the people I am with. I can calm myself by stroking him.
I have also taken up outdoor swimming. I swam as a small child, but stopped in my teens. About 6 years ago on World Mental Day, I joined an event at a lake near me. This was my introduction to all year swimming outdoors without a wetsuit. I am very cold tolerant so even swimming in temperatures close to freezing is relatively comfortable for me. The repetitive actions of swimming are quite calming, and I enjoy doing mental word and number problems as I go. There is a welcoming, undemanding community where I swim. Amongst these people, are those who are just about my first ever friends.
Hey, I am the same. The first time in my life I have a dog. He is a year old miniature poodle and he has vastly improved my life, well apart from my bank balance haha. But he helps me get out and about make small talk to other dog walkers, not that I want to but I have to when Ted (my dog) wants to say hello to their dog.
outdoor swimming sounds incredible and bloody freezing but what a rush. Keep up the good work.
Hi - my dog is also my lifeline. He makes no demands on me (except for food and a quick walk!) I have no need to explain myself to him. He instantly knows when I have a sad thought or if I'm worried and comes straight to my side. I've had dogs all my life and used to "joke" that I prefer them to people.
I was interested in your comment regarding men being more direct so more relatable than women. I've had more male "friends" I never thought about why this was but perhaps this is why in my case also. Thinking about it more deeply though - I realise that the men were my husband's friends and I just tagged along (every day brings a fresh insight!)
Your description of being on the outside looking in really resonated with me. Until recently I thought I was the only one who felt like this. It's helpful to know I'm not alone.
Until recently I had a "bestie." A lady I met at church. I only knew her for about 6 years. Initially I only knew she was my bestie because she told me we were friends! She died after a short illness in 2021. I'm no stranger to loss (my husband died 8 years ago). Loosing him was horrible. I now realise he was the crutch that helped me navigate the world . Loosing my friend caused me to have a huge meltdown because of the realisation that I will probably never have another friend :( Good job I have my dog!
Its lovely that you've found a space and an activity where you feel you belong. Enjoy!
Inula
I am very happy for you both. Your life story from recent times is uplifting and positive. You are not the first (and won't be the last) to find true life saving companionship from our canine blessings. Thanks for sharing.
I too got a dog last year and she is amazing. Great company on walks and runs, doing the garden or being home. She's such good company and a great listener. She makes me feel so loved and wanted.
Hi thank you for feeling comfortable with sharing a wonderful insight into your life. It's nice to hear that you have found friendship in your dog as well as your new swimming group. I love animals and they are great companions and we are super lucky to have them in our lives.