Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm going to try again as I didn't really introduce myself in my last post. I'm not sure if I can post as I haven't had a diagnosis yet. I find posting on threads really hard as it really gets to me if I don't get a reply, my brain doesn't see it as your thread/post may not make sense or there just isn't an answer. I see it as people don't like me even though I haven't met them.
I'm 45 years old and for as long as I can remember have never felt like I fitted in anywhere, I was the weird one that everyone avoided unless they wanted something. I don't want everyone to know if I get diagnosed but part of me wants to know why I'm different and why I don't fit in anywhere
I have been struggling at work recently as it seems that the managers have it in for me, so I have been signed off. The doctors thinks it stress and anxiety but whilst I have been off I seen a program on women with autism and what was being said was like that is me, even my best mate said it.
These are just a few. I have been going over and over in my head as to whether I could be autistic or not and whether I should seek a diagnosis or not at my age. I finally rang my doctors today and booked the next available appointment which is the 28th April.
Hi Shazza, I read your post yesterday and started to reply but as is usual with my terrible memory I got distracted and then forgot I hadn't finished my reply. I found your story very interesting and think it's amazing that at the start of your journey you are able to understand your feelings and what your going through so clearly, it took me a lot longer than that!A few thoughts on what you wrote in both posts. Obviously it wouldnt be right for me to say whether you are autistic or not but a lot of your experiences certainly chime with the autistic experience and sound very similar to what I go through and what other autistic people I know go through.
I know what you mean about not fitting in anywhere. This is the first place in my life where I have felt I even somewhat fit in. Its like other people are a different species and I am trying to observe them and learn their language rather than being one of them.
The thing you said about throwing your phone I really identify with too. I once threw my phone at the car dashboard during a meltdown and it bounced up and cracked the windscreen. I hate phones anyway, I think its so rude how people are on them all the time.
I really get the thing about not reading people's expressions and not knowing when to talk in a conversation and always thinking your boring people. I think a lot of us go through that
Im sorry to hear your having a bad time at work too and facing a disciplinary, they are not fun! What do you do for a career if you dont mind me asking? I think its really interesting that you were in the army. My dad was an army man and I used to work in the Public Services department of a college teaching kids who were going into the army
Anyway just wanted to reach out and say you are not alone! If you want anyone to chat to while you figure this stuff out Im here
Thank you for your response and I’m the same I mean to reply then think of something else and then forget what I was doing in the first place. I’m an HGV driver at the moment, I like that once I have my keys and paperwork I’m in my truck on my own, as always I like being on my own. I do see my best mate at weekends as she’s the only one that gets me. I think the only thing I liked about the Army was the structure, I found the social side very hard. My mate says work don’t understand me as I see things very black and white. I’m just worrying as someone I know is getting married in April and she wants me to go to her hen party on Saturday and her wedding at the beginning on April and that just freaks me out. I only know her and my best mate.Thanks again for your response just finding things hard at the moment