Published on 12, July, 2020
Please help. After years of speculation and some gentle suggestions, my 16-yr-old son has just received a diagnosis of autism. And he is angry at being given a label
He is a bright young man who has a job, plays sport, is focused on study and keeps himself fit and healthy. But his need for routine and advanced notice, his inability to forward plan, as well as introspection and black and white views, have started to become significantly more noticeable and problematic. And could hinder interviews and such as he progress through his chosen education and career route.
From my perspective I wanted a diagnosis so he could access support whenever he encounters a challenge because of the way he thinks and views the world. And I have told him repeatedly not to think of it as a label, but as a key.
It is his diagnosis and his choice to share the diagnosis; but how do I support him without making him feel I am overbearing or suffocating him.
I too have had speculation about being autistic, from friends, my daughter and cousellors; and I was advised to seek further support if my son's diagnosis was positive.
I just want to help him; to me he is my vulnerable little boy, but he would hate to know I see him that way.
Are there any books I can get him to help him come to terms with the diagnosis. Any suggestions will be so gratefully received.
He did consent, it was an open conversation with him all the way. I just don't think he expected the result. I agree with you. I will take a step back, educate myself better and leave an open door for him to ask questions of me or the clinicians in his own time. Thank you.
Thank you so much. We already do so much of this. I give him as much independence as I can, and he is so incredibly adept at looking after himself. His speech and conduct with adults outside of our family is amazing, but I only get glimpses.
While we wait for the diagnosis to be posted out, what hit me the most from the meeting was that there was an strong element of anxiety identified; but I don't think my son can see what this is, what triggers it or how it manifests; and without knowing when he feels anxiety, I worry I may be unwittingly adding to it.
As a mother raising a son who identifies as male, I was made aware of just how important it was to help encourage a positive sense of masculinity. Affording matters of dignity and respect to children in ways that speak to the feminine / masculine or however they identify is crucially important. As they will in turn, learn to expect the same from others which can often dictate a sort of internal bias, shaping how they treat others.
Sometimes males experience the need to find their own strength and anything which makes them appear "weak" feels incredibly threatening. My own son is happy to be warm and caring and open in private and is incredibly sensitive with his girlfriend now (he's much older - dyslexic, several spectrum traits) but when it comes to public matters, as he will say, males cannot afford to look weak in public. Society will take advantage.
I don't have all the sociology behind it, but teens to early 20's can be difficult. Perhaps it could be good to begin to envision the man he can become and treat him as such. Speak into his future and believe him in to what he's capable of. Sometimes this shift, is all he may need from you. A future father of a few wonderful grandchildren.
Honestly depending on how he is feeling he might not feel like reading anything you can put in front of him. And if he didn't know he was going to be and didn't consent to being diagnosed in the first place you are going to meet a lot of "eff you" sentiment. Being autistic doesn't mean an autism diagnosis is necessarily helpful, required, or wanted by some idividuals either. There is still a lot of stigma attached to being autistic. Honestly I think you are best lifting your foot up off the gas pedal, and just letting him come to terms with it for a while, otherwise you may encounter the PDA/ODD wall and risk making it 10-100 times worse.He needs to be able to come to terms with it under his own steam without pressure from anyone else.