Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, don't really know what I'm hoping to get out of this, I think it's more of a hope that somebody can at least identify.
I'm a 41 year old dad and have just had my autism assessment (waiting on the results) but I struggle sooooooooo much being a dad.
I just can't be the dad I want to be, and kills me so much, and it seems like my issues with sound and my need for timeout is effecting my daughter. I feel absolutely awful. The noise just gets too much, the lights everything and then I end up get snappy and being all moody n stuff, which obviously my daughter is witnessing. I've explained to her that's she's a good girl, she's done nothing wrong, and that daddy's got a few issues he's trying to deal with and that she's done nothing wrong, I've even tried to explain to her that it's like a volcano, the pressure builds. When it gets too much, I do end up s/h.
My partner is the one who takes her to the parties, all the social things cause I am awful with it. I even get anxious taking her to the park. I have missed out on a lot because of the issues I've got, but more importantly, she's missing out on time with me, and it breaks my heart.
It's causing issues with my partner, which only adds to the stress because I'm worried ill lose them, and it's like a never ending loop of stress. I'm hoping, I'm praying I am diagnosed, so I can get the help I need, and be able to explain to her in a more accurate way why I am the way I am.
I'm not after sympathy, I'm just hoping someone else might understand, cause honestly I feel so alone with this, and I often feel they'll be better off without me.
Thanks if you've managed to read this.
Hiya - 38 year old dad of a 3 year old here. Only got my diagnosis 3 weeks ago, and I can relate loads to what you’re saying.
I had a long day at work yesterday and came home completely exhausted from all the social interactions etc. Then my boy started acting up in the evening (as 3 year olds do) and I really snapped at him. Felt awful afterwards and immediately went and shut myself in the bedroom whilst my wife sorted him out. It was all okay in the end, but absolutely hated myself for it.
I can completely relate to the social stuff as well. My wife is from a very sociable family, and there always seems to be something going on every weekend. Everyone is lovely, but I find that I dread any event coming up as I just can’t deal with it all. We’re just now coming up with ideas of how my diagnosis will change things and how I can still be part of the family without getting overwhelmed.
Hope you feel better about things soon. Parenting is tricky enough at the best of times - let alone when you’re waiting on a diagnosis!
You sound exactly the same as me lol it is very reassuring to know Im not the only with these issues. You see and hear other dad's doing x,y, z and its hard not to compare yourself...I too have to lock myself away somewhere, especially like you, at the end of day...I need that time to ground myself again, otherwise it just escalates. I'm thankful my partner does understand though.
We've got a holiday coming up, with her family, and I am dreading it, because we're all in the same lodge, which means my usual routines etc will be distrupted and I'll be round people all day for 5 days...I am truly dreading it...I'm hoping if I get my diagnosis I can then explain to them a bit more, which might take the pressure of me a bit.
I hope the diagnosis you've got helps you manage the issues you're facing, and discover some helpful ways of coping.
Thanks so much for replying.
I did the family holiday with everyone in the one lodge a few years ago (way before I’d even considered a diagnosis), and to be honest I really struggled with it. If there were people in the communal area I didn’t even want to leave our room to use the bathroom in the mornings.
If I’d known then what I knew now then I could probably have had a conversation about the best way to deal with it, but sadly at that point I thought I was just in the middle of a breakdown and didn’t know what was happening to me.
Sounds like we both have understanding partners in our lives which is fortunate. Since then we’ve just ensured that if we go away that we have a space of our own which I can retreat to if needed, and it’s worked much better.
I’d say even if you’ve not had your diagnosis by that point (don’t know how soon your holiday is!), it could just be worth explaining that there will be points where you will just need time out. I’ve told my partner’s family, and if nothing else it just allows me to leave a space/event without needing to come up with some sort of excuse!