Newbie, but really struggling

Hi. 

Not a parent so can't help with that, but defi itely have my geeky and gothic moments. 

I did the family holiday with everyone in the one lodge a few years ago (way before I’d even considered a diagnosis), and to be honest I really struggled with it. If there were people in the communal area I didn’t even want to leave our room to use the bathroom in the mornings. 

If I’d known then what I knew now then I could probably have had a conversation about the best way to deal with it, but sadly at that point I thought I was just in the middle of a breakdown and didn’t know what was happening to me. 

Sounds like we both have understanding partners in our lives which is fortunate. Since then we’ve just ensured that if we go away that we have a space of our own which I can retreat to if needed, and it’s worked much better. 

I’d say even if you’ve not had your diagnosis by that point (don’t know how soon your holiday is!), it could just be worth explaining that there will be points where you will just need time out. I’ve told my partner’s family, and if nothing else it just allows me to leave a space/event without needing to come up with some sort of excuse!

You sound exactly the same as me lol it is very reassuring to know Im not the only with these issues. You see and hear other dad's doing x,y, z and its hard not to compare yourself...I too have to lock myself away somewhere, especially like you, at the end of day...I need that time to ground myself again, otherwise it just escalates. I'm thankful my partner does understand though. 

We've got a holiday coming up, with her family, and I am dreading it, because we're all in the same lodge, which means my usual routines etc will be distrupted and I'll be round people all day for 5 days...I am truly dreading it...I'm hoping if I get my diagnosis I can then explain to them a bit more, which might take the pressure of me a bit.

I hope the diagnosis you've got helps you manage the issues you're facing, and discover some helpful ways of coping.

Thanks so much for replying.

Hiya - 38 year old dad of a 3 year old here. Only got my diagnosis 3 weeks ago, and I can relate loads to what you’re saying. 

I had a long day at work yesterday and came home completely exhausted from all the social interactions etc. Then my boy started acting up in the evening (as 3 year olds do) and I really snapped at him. Felt awful afterwards and immediately went and shut myself in the bedroom whilst my wife sorted him out. It was all okay in the end, but absolutely hated myself for it.

I can completely relate to the social stuff as well. My wife is from a very sociable family, and there always seems to be something going on every weekend. Everyone is lovely, but I find that I dread any event coming up as I just can’t deal with it all. We’re just now coming up with ideas of how my diagnosis will change things and how I can still be part of the family without getting overwhelmed. 

Hope you feel better about things soon. Parenting is tricky enough at the best of times - let alone when you’re waiting on a diagnosis!

You have already cracked it!  That was easy!!

When you want to spend some quality Dad/daughter time with her, first ask "what do you want to photograph?". Get HER topics of interest and then you go on an adventure to deliver that for her.  Get her a cheap digital that is her own.  Download her photos and show her how to manipulate them / filters etc.

Brilliant.

You are very welcome. The charity Autistic Parents seems like a great support network, maybe this is what you are looking for. 

Thankyou so much, I will have a read now. Thankyou.

Thankyou, that's awesome advice. She does like cameras like me, and woodworking like me, maybe as you say, focus on those things as opposed to the usual generic patenting things. I so needed to reach out tonight, I can't thank you all enough for just replying, it means a lot. It really does. 

It is all about being honest, you are just feeling, imposter syndrome, the diagnosis is only the start of the journey. Obviously there isn’t a cure for autism, it’s about learning what affects you and working out strategies that improve your life and those around you.

Hello. Welcome to your autistic community!

I don’t have any similar experiences to share but I thought this website link for the charity Autistic Parents may be useful for you:

https://www.autisticparentsuk.org/

I hope this helps. You are not alone.

Don't panic!  Dads of every description struggle.  Stop beating yourself up for being you and stop trying to explain yourself to your daughter (would be my starting advice.)

My follow up advice would be this.....there WILL DEFINITELY be something that you and your daughter can happily do together....you just need to fathom it / work out what that is.  It WILL be something that already makes you feel happy but that you can't imagine she will like doing too.  It never ceases to amaze me how adaptable kids are....she will just be happy to be with you in your "happy place."

I recommend that you try some "weird and wonderful" / mundane activities together - keep experimenting.....tell her that you are experimenting....ask her to join in.  DON'T give up.  Think outside the box - you are probably very good at that!

Best wishes - Number.

Thankyou so much for your reply, I really appreciate that. Sorry you've had similar experiences. Sounds like you can understand so thankyou for replying. Deep down I know I am autistic, I think just having that clinical acknowledgement that what I am feeling is real, and there is a reason for experiencing what i experience If that makes sense. My partner is very understanding, and she czme with me to the assesment. She does put up with a lot, and I'm terrified of losing her and my daughter. It's just so hard sometimes to feel like you're not alone.

Hi, firstly welcome. I identify a lot with what you have written,  I’m 55 and made complete hash of being a parent. I didn’t know I’m autistic, so much of parenting was a massive sensory overload, my children are adults now and  understand why I struggled so much, my wife was at the point of leaving me, social occasions are still a nightmare, I would shutdown as the occasion became nearer. My wife would get so frustrated, “ here we go again, radio silence,” I explain more now and my wife has learnt with me, I often just blurt out what’s causing me stress, it can be something like a supermarket. It’s not easy to communicate sometimes. I was stimming in the kitchen earlier, it was a very obvious big stim, I always hid my stimming, my wife now doesn’t question it,  You must try to explain how autism affects you, don’t worry too much about your diagnosis, I’m sure you know the answer.