Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, don't really know what I'm hoping to get out of this, I think it's more of a hope that somebody can at least identify.
I'm a 41 year old dad and have just had my autism assessment (waiting on the results) but I struggle sooooooooo much being a dad.
I just can't be the dad I want to be, and kills me so much, and it seems like my issues with sound and my need for timeout is effecting my daughter. I feel absolutely awful. The noise just gets too much, the lights everything and then I end up get snappy and being all moody n stuff, which obviously my daughter is witnessing. I've explained to her that's she's a good girl, she's done nothing wrong, and that daddy's got a few issues he's trying to deal with and that she's done nothing wrong, I've even tried to explain to her that it's like a volcano, the pressure builds. When it gets too much, I do end up s/h.
My partner is the one who takes her to the parties, all the social things cause I am awful with it. I even get anxious taking her to the park. I have missed out on a lot because of the issues I've got, but more importantly, she's missing out on time with me, and it breaks my heart.
It's causing issues with my partner, which only adds to the stress because I'm worried ill lose them, and it's like a never ending loop of stress. I'm hoping, I'm praying I am diagnosed, so I can get the help I need, and be able to explain to her in a more accurate way why I am the way I am.
I'm not after sympathy, I'm just hoping someone else might understand, cause honestly I feel so alone with this, and I often feel they'll be better off without me.
Thanks if you've managed to read this.
Hi, firstly welcome. I identify a lot with what you have written, I’m 55 and made complete hash of being a parent. I didn’t know I’m autistic, so much of parenting was a massive sensory overload, my children are adults now and understand why I struggled so much, my wife was at the point of leaving me, social occasions are still a nightmare, I would shutdown as the occasion became nearer. My wife would get so frustrated, “ here we go again, radio silence,” I explain more now and my wife has learnt with me, I often just blurt out what’s causing me stress, it can be something like a supermarket. It’s not easy to communicate sometimes. I was stimming in the kitchen earlier, it was a very obvious big stim, I always hid my stimming, my wife now doesn’t question it, You must try to explain how autism affects you, don’t worry too much about your diagnosis, I’m sure you know the answer.
Thankyou so much for your reply, I really appreciate that. Sorry you've had similar experiences. Sounds like you can understand so thankyou for replying. Deep down I know I am autistic, I think just having that clinical acknowledgement that what I am feeling is real, and there is a reason for experiencing what i experience If that makes sense. My partner is very understanding, and she czme with me to the assesment. She does put up with a lot, and I'm terrified of losing her and my daughter. It's just so hard sometimes to feel like you're not alone.
It is all about being honest, you are just feeling, imposter syndrome, the diagnosis is only the start of the journey. Obviously there isn’t a cure for autism, it’s about learning what affects you and working out strategies that improve your life and those around you.