17 year old son and at my wits end

I think all of this talk of ‘impracticality’, and ‘huge’, and ‘no longer’, and ‘at a loss’; say it all for me. The way your husband and yourself team up for intervention, says it all. It is just too confrontational, autistic people freeze in the face of confrontation, so the ‘disrespectfulness’ you are encountering is likely Alexithymia. It sounds to me like your son is trying his very best, but it also having to deal with the energy-cost of masking, brought on by your pressing of him.

Negative emotion is not just something that your son is emitting. In reading the choice of vocabulary that you are using, I am informed that your son will be anxious; because he has a social impairment, and you are trying to force an understanding on him, you are  cyclicly-emphasising his weakness.

You seem, if I may be so bold, to be a perfectionist. The problem with perfect is that it cannot be added to, your son cannot please you more or follow your instruction, because you are so absolute in your language, which is the literal interpretation that your son takes from you.

Vocabulary and grammar grants us communication; communication grants us reason-and-logic; and reason-and-logic grants us rhetoric/the-ability-to-negotiate.  
Thus, if you do not use positive words, you will not inform your son in a positive way; your son will not think positively, he will not manifest positive things.

Perhaps you could start by abandoning your active voice and adopting a more passive voice. Stop using superlatives for every single point that you make. Instead of pushing your son in the direction of your gladness; you could invite, or persuade or support him -indirectly- to work at the goal or feeling he is inclined toward. 

The best advice I can give you: Is to stop talking your advice at-him and start supporting-him in the manner that he is naturally-inclined to go. There is entirely too much negativity and directness to your rhetoric, and it doesn’t surprise me that he is exhibiting signs of moodiness and stress, you would be wise to consider the cost of pushing him towards disorder.

You may have noticed that I have adopted an ‘active voice’, and have used the word ‘you’ a lot throughout the course of this dialogue, this is by design. I wish to impress upon you the feeling of blame and directness that arises when you are overly imperative and direct with your audience. If you felt that I was accusing you and if you feel backed into a corner, then I have achieved the desired affect.   
It is far easier to walk past sheep undisturbed, by not using eye contact, than using eye contact. Use the carrot and not the stick. Use Honey, instead of vinegar.

I don’t presume that your mannerisms are to be changed overnight, but if you wish to see a change in your son from his current mindset; he is going to have to see you commitment to balanced and reasonable mood first, as an example to literally take from, you’re going to have to lead by example..:)

Thanks for your input which I will certainly think on.

I may not have been as eloquent at expressing myself as I should have been on this thread. I was being honest with the expectations that society is thrusting on him - and us. If it was down to me, I’d let him thrive in his own way as he is remarkable individual. I do acknowledge I may be listening too much to outside pressure and needed awake up call to remind me of that.

You have assumed this is the method in which me and my son communicate and it is not. I have an entirely different approach as that is what he needs. 

I have already started to implement the suggestions given to me on the other replies. And for me the start of the journey is to acknowledge where I could do better. My son has been very responsive and even said to me that could not have a more supportive and caring mother so I will take his judgement onboard more than someone who makes an assumption on the very little they know about us. 

if you are interested my response to his statement is that I am not doing anything different than a good mother does and what he deserves as he remarkable individual. 

My goal is to help my son in any way he needs it, which is why I posted for advice.  A thought for you is that your negative assumptions and failure to enquire more before reaching a conclusion is exactly why he faces lack of understanding in society. People judge without the full story. 

Your response left a bitter taste that I should not have posted here to help improve the way we interact. I feel shamed, judged and miss understood. Ironically, that’s exactly how my son feels every day from the outside world.

And as for being a perfectionist you have no idea how far from the truth that is. But only if you knew me, but you don’t. What I am is a mother prepared to do anything to help my son be happy and fulfilled.  Misguided sometimes yes, but devoted to be what I need to be for him, yes.

Thanks for your input which I will certainly think on.

I may not have been as eloquent at expressing myself as I should have been on this thread. I was being honest with the expectations that society is thrusting on him - and us. If it was down to me, I’d let him thrive in his own way as he is remarkable individual. I do acknowledge I may be listening too much to outside pressure and needed awake up call to remind me of that.

You have assumed this is the method in which me and my son communicate and it is not. I have an entirely different approach as that is what he needs. 

I have already started to implement the suggestions given to me on the other replies. And for me the start of the journey is to acknowledge where I could do better. My son has been very responsive and even said to me that could not have a more supportive and caring mother so I will take his judgement onboard more than someone who makes an assumption on the very little they know about us. 

if you are interested my response to his statement is that I am not doing anything different than a good mother does and what he deserves as he remarkable individual. 

My goal is to help my son in any way he needs it, which is why I posted for advice.  A thought for you is that your negative assumptions and failure to enquire more before reaching a conclusion is exactly why he faces lack of understanding in society. People judge without the full story. 

Your response left a bitter taste that I should not have posted here to help improve the way we interact. I feel shamed, judged and miss understood. Ironically, that’s exactly how my son feels every day from the outside world.

And as for being a perfectionist you have no idea how far from the truth that is. But only if you knew me, but you don’t. What I am is a mother prepared to do anything to help my son be happy and fulfilled.  Misguided sometimes yes, but devoted to be what I need to be for him, yes.