Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I'm 30-something suffering from the sort of burnout that really makes me think I might be on the autistic spectrum.
When I was 16 I took a dyslexia test and the psychologist just stopped shy of diagnosing me with a non-verbal learning disability (NVLD). She found a big difference between my verbal and performance IQ but basically said I was so high functioning that I didn't really need many accommodations.
I thought that was that and that I was basically OK. I've always known I was different to other people but I've generally found my own ways to cope. Recently, however, I have been feeling increasingly burnout at work and unhappy. It occurs to me that the dyslexia test focused on my IQ/learning ability and not the other areas of my psychology. I do a lot of weird things that are a bit autistic-y, if that makes sense. My Mum is pretty sure l must be on the autistic spectrum and even says I'm just like the character of Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory.
Here is a list of some of my historic and current strange behaviours; could they be signs of autism or even another form of neurodivergence?
1. I cannot form deep or meaningful relationships with other people. In other words I cannot bond. I don't know how to explain it but I can see that other people connect with each other and I can't do that. My family have always said it's because I'm too shy or don't try hard enough to make friends but, even though I can get on well with some people, I just can't form any sort of attachment. Personally, I don't see this as a problem, as you can't miss what you've never had, but other people seem to think it's an issue. I generally work to hide this from strangers and casual acquaintances so that I don't look like a weirdo or loser.
2. I keep to a really strict routine and don't like it when I have to alter it. Altering my routine makes me so uncomfortable that I've been avoiding visiting my family for the past year or so as I know it will involve staying up later or eating at different times.
3. I cannot estimate time correctly. You make think this means I'm regularly late for things but quite the opposite, I'm always ridiculously early. I tend to think that I'm going to be late and so give myself far more time than is needed to get anywhere. To put this in context, I used to arrive at university lectures 20 minutes early and I currently get into work before 7:30am (I'm usually the first person in the office).
4. I consciously and unconsciously compare my behaviour to others and copy their behaviours and mannerisms. When I was a pre-teen I unknowingly copied the way my babysitter ran; I'm sure I did this sort of thing more regularly but I actually realised it on that occasion. Sometimes I do it knowingly; when I was very young I used to study my classmates when they were drawing so that I could make sure my drawings looked right.
These are just some of the strange things I do. I would like to figure out whether I'm on the spectrum as I know it should inform how I treat my burnout. I did ask for an assessment referral from my GP but they said there is a 3 year waiting list and that counciling would be a better option for me.
I think my issue is, that whatever I have, I am very high functioning so I can sort of muddle through life until something comes up that I really can't handle. Now that I'm in my 30s I think I need to be more intentional about the coping strategies I create as some the ones I've used in the past aren't working anymore.
My son has said in passing he thinks I'm a bit like a female Sheldon :)
NAS84927 said:I cannot bond
Within the "NeuroNormative" world, this is common for many of us. At least with other not on our wave-band. I recently heard a neurologist talk about how like minded individuals have the capacity to sync up their brain waves in a room together working on the same ideas. There is something happening in the realm of physics where similar minded individuals appear to be able to get a read on one another. For me, it's made sense of why I feel better understood by ADHD friends and why I now realise I seem to 'attract' them. I've recently stumbled across several newly published medical papers suggesting we share neurochemistry - the same type of being overwhelmed from our sense-perception, meaning we potentially have similar fundamental salience networks and the same hyper-focus, "Monotropic" brain. Same with Dyslexia and other Spectrum-thinkers, I shall call them
I had to learn rules of creating, investing in and growing friendship/relationships. Rules of bonding. I learned some principles of being and how to express good ethics, which actually helped spot others I wanted to choose as friends (what a concept! But so helpful).
NAS84927 said:Altering my routine makes me so uncomfortable
Altering the ground rules of my routine can be dangerous. I REALLY had to learn to make boundaries. I do things one at a time, I finish them and move on. I close things or I knock into them. I put my glasses in my case even if I've finally gotten cozy in bed and forgotten the case. I have had the same glasses for 10 years and I like them. Also, money is of consequence. And so on. Comfort is not quite the word...
TIME.
I've now found 2 autistics in academia working on explaining why we have a different understanding of time. I used to battle with my ex that I needed to plan, he thought it was because I couldn't be in the moment and I couldn't explain enough I needed to get out of the moment. This is a thing! Aion & Kairos vs Chronos.
It sound like you're on the right path! My personal thought is 100 years ago, someone with more extreme differences might be recognised but many of us who copy to socially fit in, would just be accepted as a little different. The world wasn't as sensory assaulting as it is today and boarders were a little more open and group-think didn't extend globally as humans weren't so connected by media. If I was overwhelmed when I was small or even in high school, adults just let me have space or hide out somewhere, I wasn't forced to comply, I was allowed headphones in difficult tasks and could hide out in the art room or library without question. Sadly, it's quite different for kids today.
Hello NAS84927,
Thank you for sharing this with the community.
ou may like to look at our information about autism spectrum disorders:
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism
If you were interested in finding out if you are on the autism spectrum, you would need to have a formal diagnostic assessment. You may find it useful to have a look at the following link for further information about diagnosis and the benefits of getting one:
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis
Furthermore, it is important the professional you see has experience of autism spectrum disorders. You can find details of diagnostic services on our Autism Services Directory in the Assessment and diagnosis section:
https://www.autism.org.uk/directory
All the best,
ChloeMod
Hi There, I understand everything you have said. You sound like you have been masking for a very long time just as I have. High functioning is a term they use to describe me because if you do put me in a situation I can get through it, smile when needed, nod when needed, do what is expected of me and excel far beyond people's expectations, this is just the ADHD side of me I have discovered as I hyperfocus on things, but I get burnout every 1-2 years and have to withdraw for a few months from basically everything, my latest withdrawel has been ongoing for nearly 3 years, outside peopleing is not for me.Don't be put off by your GP and just settle for counselling, counselling will help, but only if you know what the underlying problem is. The wait is really really worth it so my advice would be to get on the waiting list now, I wish I had done mine sooner, I might not be so dysfunctional now if I had, but then I grew up with the 'Autism and ADHD were just for boys' so I only started realising who I was around age 38, diagnosed with ADHD at 40 they lost my paperwork and now fighting to get an Autism diagnosis.