Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm looking for any sort of advice,my daughter has autism and although it's been hard for her she's always had my support with everything,she's recently been saying some awful hurtful things like she had a bad childhood and how I'm such an awful person and she'll make up all these events (which didn't happen) , it's gotten to the point where I've ended up saying I don't think you should live with us anymore (myself and her siblings) so she took off ,the problem is I can't sleep because even though she's so hurtful towards me I can't help but worry about her,has anyone had a similar experience,people say I'm right and I shouldn't put up with it and I always make excuses for her because of her autism
I can’t know what your relationship was like with your daughter growing up. But so many parents put such pressure on their autistic kids to be ‘normal.’ And they even tell themselves they’re doing it for their kids good. But it breaks them.
plus parents of autistic kids can be very overprotective and it can really screw up their kids too.
it’s like parents see their kids struggle in social situations so they try to keep them from them, to keep them getting hurt, taken advantage of. But really to give their kids the best chance of having a decent childhood they need to push them towards social situations.
I can’t know if that’s what it was like for you and your daughter though.
Although she's had extra support mainly for when she's been down and got stuck, she's always been encouraged to do as much "normal" things as she wanted to, she's been using the bus alone since 14 and a half as I always wanted her to be as independent as possible,I'm happy for her to move out but I just feel she needs some sort of support even if it's a very relaxed version of supported housing
I'm sorry to hear that... it actually reminds me of a similar incident when I was 9. Mum said she might be late from work and might not make it in time to pick me up from a rehearsal after school- she said that if she was not there at the end of it, I should get a ride home with one of my friends. I got out of the rehearsal and Mum was not there. I waited for a bit and all of my closer friends started leaving ... so eventually I asked a classmates Mum if she could take me home as I was worried I would end up all alone outside the school. I got home but Mum wasn't there... Turns out the rehearsal had ended 10 min or so early and I hadn't realised. So mum had gone to the school and noone was there, whilst I was alone at home. She was furious at me about that... then went on to get me a mobile phone so that something like it could not happen again...
But in many other ways my mum supported me in independence- she dared me and my friends to take bus to a nearby restaurant during the lunch break at school when I was 11 (as the school food was awful)- we were all super nervous but did it- turns out that one of the other mum's was apparently following us secretly ... my Mum felt that was ridiculous when she found out...
It's really hard to tell what she would have reacted to if I had wanted to go out when I was older... I didn't want to or ever do. I had no friends at secondary school and all I did was go to the stables with mum after school. I usually begged her to stay as I didn't feel able to cope on my own and I just felt so reassured by her presence.
I'm really sorry your parents didn't support you in becoming independent...
When I was 9 id been saving up my money for some fimo. My mother promised she’d take me to the shop to buy it on this particular day. An hour or two after lunch when she was knee deep in housework it became clear she was going to break that promise, inspite of my continued nagging. So I said if you won’t take me now I’ll just walk into town and buy it. And she didn’t belive I would so she waved me off.
so I walked for about an hour into town bought my fimo and walked back to find my mum freaking out, she’d called the police, dad threatened to ground me for ever etc. around that age I just stoped wanting to be dragged around by my parents. Didn’t see why I had to accompany them on errands that had nothing to do with me. I’d run off from time to time if taken out on long errands or start fights with other kids when dragged to adult parties I didn’t want to go to. My parents fought against every bit of independence I tried to get.
by the time I was 16 when my mum didn’t come to pick me up at college, also an hours walk from home, I just sat their for nearly an hour and a half repeatedly ringing her mobile from a phone booth.
That's very interesting. I wonder if I pushed for independence earlier on... My mum always said that when I was very young (about 6 or 7) I was very independent... but then later on less so. I thought for some time that my mum was overprotective and maybe she was a little, but on the other hand I am not sure I would have coped without her support. I even remember my Mum trying to bribe me to be more independent when growing up, like saying she would give me 2 euro if I went and ordered myself a drink and a glass of wine for her etc. She says she would have loved me to be more independent but that after watching me try and fail on my own she would step in. I guess we will never know what could have been but I know that she did her best and we are super close again now. And I feel really bad that I am causing her so much worry. My mum is autistic too most likely so I think that does help a lot though as we understand each other extremely well. It even caused friction in my family growing up as my stepfather would often feel left out and even jealous of how close mum and I were...
You know if you have a noisy dog that tends to chase people barking at them and then you chain it up to stop it doing that. Well eventually it stops itself before the collar jerks on its neck. Then if you take the collar off it’ll run to about the length of the chain then stop.
autistic children often don’t think of themselves as children. Especially when they get to around 10. So if they try to take more independence at that age and you stop them … well you’re treating them like children when they don’t see themselves that way. So why would they expect more freedom at 14? In their minds they probably haven’t changed all that much.
I’m speculating but maybe your daughter tested the limits of her independence before you were ready, and then didn’t challenge it again until late in her teens, way later than she probably should have.
that’s the thing with autistic children. If you don’t let them have independence when they’ve confidence to ask for it, even if you think they’re not ready, they don’t push for it again until it’s far to late. I’m speaking from experience as someone who was an autistic kid.