Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
I'm a 47 year old male and was diagnosed with autism in May of this year after struggling all my life with depression and anxiety. I've always felt 'different' and 'odd' and it explains a lot. For over a decade running (especially trail running, where I'm usually totally alone for hours) has helped me cope.
Initially my diagnosis was a relief as it explained a lot about my issues but longer term it's left me feeling quite conflicted as I've always pushed myself to be 'social' and not to give in to my anxieties. Now I find myself in a position where I struggle not to use it as an excuse and it's also knocked my confidence (even in my ability to run).
I just wondered what experiences others have had after receiving a diagnosis as an adult, especially as I've had no support/advice since receiving my diagnosis.
Congratulations on your diagnosis.
You aren't alone. I lived for 56 years without knowing I am autistic. I do social - differently and its tiring, but I do it. I am a trainer even, albeit my mates have always defined me as quirky and forthright, and I would so agree. I often haven't "fit" but the people who love me enjoy rather than deride my quirks. The others, I don't care about. The anxiety,...oh yeah
But you know, you are not any different today as you were before your diagnosis. Except that now, you KNOW the what for and why you are you. You know what those differences are all about.
It's normal with a late diagnosis to have a feeling of relief to be followed by questioning of another sort. Take your time to process. There's no rush.
Ultimately though, ditch the "excuse" thing though. You are not making excuses. You are wired differently. You need certain things to be tailored to that wiring in order to function at your best and give of your best; we struggle to get others to understand it at times. But you don't need to have or make "excuses". No excuse is needed to be you. Being 'you' is a right for everyone.
Thanks Dawn, I really appreciate the advise.
I get the point about dropping the 'excuses' thing, I just think it will be hard to do as I've masked very effectively for my whole life, so much so it's almost 'hard wired' into me. When I was assessed my psychologist reported I was very good at social camouflage. It's true to say I can literally switch personalities to suit the situation I'm in.
I think part of the issue for me is that if I stop pushing myself my job would suffer and I have a wife (who has health issues of her own) and 2 teenage daughters who rely on me.
My biggest issue at the moment is that it feels like no one around me really understands, plus I've masked effectively for most of my life so people struggle to accept that most of what they see is my masking. I guess that's why I started on this board, to try and get talking to people who understand.
I'll definitely take your advise, I just think it's something I'll have to do over time.
Thanks again for your reply
Unmasking after so many years of unconsciously masking is ultimately good for us but hard to do.
Totally get the family reliance thing. My folks rely on me just when I need that support myself, yet have none. We do what we can in this life given what we have to give. You can do no more.