Published on 12, July, 2020
I moved alone to Warrington about five months ago. I got a stable job in a warehouse to secure my income. I plan to go to college next year. Everything seems to be fine but my social life is like a mess. I am new to this town so I tried to reach out to others to make some friends. One of my neighbours approached me and we ended up going to the police because of some inappropriate behaviours. At work, I faced some sexual harassments from coworkers. I have difficulties in trusting people as I couldn’t tell if they are just acting to be friendly while sticking a nose to your personal life. Shall I try to get a diagnosis from GP? How can I protect myself if some bad stuffs happen again?
**I would like to add one more thing. My ex-partner, he is also in the spectrum. He was an alcoholic and switched to vaping recently. It’s not possible for me to talk him out of substance abuse. He is a typical predator and abuser. He has not yet applied physical violence on me but already showed some signs. I don’t know what else I can do for him other than having him moved to a sharehouse with better living conditions and with fewer people. He originally lived in a small room like prison cells and being bullied by his housemates and possibly by the landlord as well.The relationship however didn’t end well. I had to cut contact with him before more bad stuffs happened. I wish to reach out for some community support for him when I still can. It’s hard to see someone like us also suffer. His family took good care of him before he came to uk. This is the sixth years now and he shows signs of depression with suicidal thoughts due to loneliness. He needs professional help but it’s out of my ability.He maybe a worker, yet he is the most educated man I have ever seen in the warehouse. Is there anything else I could do other than walk away?
Hi, I'm so sorry to hear that you had such bad experiences. It can be hard to find friends. 5 months is not that long yet. Being lonely and desperate to make friends can make you more vulnerable to these bad experiences- I was also sexually harassed/assaulted by someone I thought was a very close friend- thinking back there were some warning signs and there had been a previous incident but I was very forgiving- he apologised and I was lonely and I thought if I clearly explained again that it wasn't ok and that I did not want a relationship it would be fine. Then the second much worse incident happened. I apologised afterwards as stupid me somehow felt responsible. I was really struggling to come to terms with it and only a few weeks later after confiding to a friend and my dietitian (who had been providing a lot of emotional support) I decided to cut off contact. We didn't talk for a year but I felt lonely again and we started talking again- I thought he had finally understood but he is sending me messages almost every day implying he wants more than friends, it was subtle so I ignored it and did not react. But he has tried to take my hand and hug me too a few times now and when I said nothing had changed and I do not want a relationship, he ran off. But since then he is still pushing to meet up and sending me messages that make me feel uncomfortable. I'm so confused if he is a friend and just not able to control this but I have explained so clearly so so many times that I do not want a relationship and he knows I do not like to be touched etc. So why then can he not respect my personal space? Sorry I just went off on a tangent about my own issues- The reason I was thinking of this is because I think my loneliness makes me more vulnerable to situations like this.
I think with real friends that you connect to it just feels right- I never had any friends at school and only at university I came accross likeminded people that I made friends with without even trying- I still have to push myself to go and meet people sometimes but spending time with these people feels right and makes me happy. If it is exhausting and requires a lot of masking it is probably not right. I met all of my friends through shared interests (mainly my studies etc) and I realise now that I was extremely lucky to have studied where I did as I think it would have been much harder otherwise. So in my opinion it really is a matter of finding the right people, but that is hard too... because putting yourself in a situation where you can meet these people might be hard (it was easier for me as at university I saw people in lectures or at scientific talks etc)- do you have any interests outside work through which you might be able to meet people? Hobbies? or do you like exercise/walking/hiking? I find it easier if it doesn't involve groups of people- all I can say though is that for true and close friends the friendship happened almost effortlessly and it felt right. I still feel lonely though too as I do not have many friends and I find it hard often to build up the energy to meet them (plus working so much).
As to how you protect yourself I am not sure. I also find this very hard (and have been exploited in different ways in past) as I am very bad at reading people and always believe in the best in people. I take what they say at face value. It often takes me a long time to realise when I am being used and usually only after bad things have happened- I have noticed though that when words do not match up with actions that is a warning sign... but also not useful because once they have started acting in a not nice way it is somewhat too late already.
And like you say having had bad experiences makes it even harder as it takes up a lot of space in your mind worrying about people's intentions etc. Also I often worry about missing out social cues or accidentally offending people/ not being nice without meaning to etc. Meeting my friend today though has made me realise that with true friends it just feels easy.
I really hope you manage to find friends- maybe think about any interests or activities you like that might maximise your chances of coming accross the right people?
It makes me mad and sad that in this world you cannot take people at face value- it makes me sad to hear about how your coworkers and others have treated you. I have been on the receiving end too of bullying and other things and I don't understand why people behave like this- does it make them feel strong? or does picking on someone strengthen their feeling of being part of a group (ie a them and us scenario)? do they enjoy being cruel? Or do they not realise how much their behaviour can hurt others? I don't know.
I just want you to know though that there are nice people and there are people that you can connect you and that are right to be your friends - it's just a matter of finding them. you will.
I think you need to cut ties with this friend and delete and block the phone number. It’s hard to see when you’re in it, as you have an emotional attachment with him as a friend. But his advances are definitely not okay, especially the amount of times he has tried it despite you saying you do not want that kind of relationship. It’s making me feel uncomfortable for you and concerned. He doesn’t appear to be respecting your boundaries at all. Please stay safe.