Published on 12, July, 2020
I would really welcome any advice members can give. I am finding this very hard.
I have a 25 year old son , who is high functioning in many respects. He got through school fine, did well at University , is living independently and appears 'normal' in terms of social communication, friendships etc.. There were none of the obvious signs until now that he might be autistic to the outside world (other than my intuition). He had a good group of friends at Uni. school , has hosted radio shows etc and even has a degree in communications.
however , I strongly suspect he is on the autism spectrum (my father , now deceased, was definately on the spectrum and I believe my brother is too). I have been worried about my son for years - difficulty learning new material at school, very rigid patterns of thinking, obsessive hobbies, wanting complete clarity in everything he does, an inability to read social cues outside formal situations , stress when faced with any uncertainty, sensory issues etc, no girlfriends yet despite expressing an interest in having one). The problem is getting more serious now though as he was let go in his last job , for no apparent reason, but reading between the lines it may be because of him displaying these traits in a work situation. After a short period of unemployment, he was hired to a great , new job, at management level. Within a few weeks he is underperforming and his new boss has said she may have to let him go - again, listening to what his boss said, it sounds like it could be his rigidity and lack of understanding of how to behave causing this. I have tried to gently mention to him perhaps he needs a particular environment and could perhaps be on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum (which would not be a problem, but helpful for self awareness and to choose the right work environment in future) - but he is strongly resistant to this. His self image is important to him, and he seeks adult independence. He is convinced the problem is his boss/ the workplace / colleagues and is not ready to consider his own behaviour might be behind this inability to fit in. He has said he intends to find another similar job in a slightly different field! He had a childhood friend with autism who went to a specialist school and he has a negative view of what being autistic might mean. I am really worried now as he is incredibly stressed at work, and I think is about to be sacked again. His savings are dwindling and he is so frustrated with trying to find a job he enjoys. He works very hard too.
At the moment, I think it very unlikely he will request a diagnosis or seriously consider whether he might be autistic. How can I help him come to terms with his situation, and help him establish a good independent life if he is not diagnosed? (By the way, I am a /was a career coach by profession, so could help him through employment choices!). How might I convince him to get assessed? What services might be available to us as his parents to learn how to help him manage his condition and also our own emotional reaction ? he relies very heavily on our day to day advice and support, and financial help, and we are feeling like things are never going to improve. (We are prepared to pay for specialist help if needed). Really appreciate any help from others who have experienced a diagnosis of an adult child. Thankyou
Lisa
NAS80015 said:I have tried to gently mention to him perhaps he needs a particular environment and could perhaps be on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum (which would not be a problem, but helpful for self awareness and to choose the right work environment in future)
I would be very careful about this. Most autistic people choose to work in environments where we don't need good people skills because we prefer it but no one likes to be told they can't do a job or type of job. I would re frame it. If he is autistic (and really its very hard for us to say anything based just on your impressions) the benifit is new stratergies and reasionable adjustments can be put into place so he can do the kind of work he wants to.
If your son is autistic and has fallen in love with a job where people skills are essential then he's going to need coping strategies and reasonable adjustments to thrive but that doesn't mean he shouldn't pursue it.
NAS80015 said:He is convinced the problem is his boss/ the workplace / colleagues and is not ready to consider his own behaviour might be behind this inability to fit in.
Even if he does have autism he's probably not wrong. Reasonable adjustments are a legal duty. Employers are, to a degree, expected to adapt jobs and working practices to autistic employees.
NAS80015 said:He had a childhood friend with autism who went to a specialist school and he has a negative view of what being autistic might mean.
Because all too often autistic people are treated in a negative way. But if he gets the diagnosis he doesn't have to wear it on his sleeve. You should remind him of that. He's under no obligation to disclose private medical information to his employer.
Thankyou Peter- you make some interesting points. He has now said he may be open to getting assessed for autism, but he's not yet convinced there is much point in it for him - so I'm going to look into the benefits more. He is convinced he doesnt need any extra help - when I gently mentioned reasonable adjustments to jobs, he rejects the idea , saying he wouldnt want a job that had to be adjusted for him! He's now talking about freelance or self employment, which could avoid much of this, but of course he still has to attract and retain clients. I think letting people know he was on the spectrum could really help the confusion colleagues feel when he reacts or communicates in a way they find unexpected. I think its not recognising the problems others find with his behaviour (because of ignorance) that is the main problem - he is oblivious. I recognise what you say about workplaces not being adapted to the neurodiverse , but its also up to those on the spectrum to educate colleagues. In my own job, a colleague recently joined who declared he was autistic, and we had a really useful conversation about what he needed in the job , how he preferred to work and how we could all support him - if he hadnt told us, I probably would just have thought he was a bit odd!
I can understand your son’s wish not to be seen as needing extra help or being seen as less capable in some way. He might possibly view this as being perceived as a ‘weakness’. I think my son has sometimes felt uncomfortable with this too - as a young man he wants to see himself as capable and strong. To think otherwise can be damaging for our self esteem. Admitting vulnerability can be very difficult - especially for a young man who has had struggles to fit in in the past. Maintaining your self esteem as an autistic person can be really difficult. In a society that often doesn’t respect people who are atypical it is not surprising that acceptance of being different or needing help can be challenging for us. It’s possible that being open about being autistic in the work place might not always be welcomed too. Your experience might be positive but some employers might not promote autistic members of staff (or employ them in the first place) due to ignorance and discrimination.