Published on 12, July, 2020
I would really welcome any advice members can give. I am finding this very hard.
I have a 25 year old son , who is high functioning in many respects. He got through school fine, did well at University , is living independently and appears 'normal' in terms of social communication, friendships etc.. There were none of the obvious signs until now that he might be autistic to the outside world (other than my intuition). He had a good group of friends at Uni. school , has hosted radio shows etc and even has a degree in communications.
however , I strongly suspect he is on the autism spectrum (my father , now deceased, was definately on the spectrum and I believe my brother is too). I have been worried about my son for years - difficulty learning new material at school, very rigid patterns of thinking, obsessive hobbies, wanting complete clarity in everything he does, an inability to read social cues outside formal situations , stress when faced with any uncertainty, sensory issues etc, no girlfriends yet despite expressing an interest in having one). The problem is getting more serious now though as he was let go in his last job , for no apparent reason, but reading between the lines it may be because of him displaying these traits in a work situation. After a short period of unemployment, he was hired to a great , new job, at management level. Within a few weeks he is underperforming and his new boss has said she may have to let him go - again, listening to what his boss said, it sounds like it could be his rigidity and lack of understanding of how to behave causing this. I have tried to gently mention to him perhaps he needs a particular environment and could perhaps be on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum (which would not be a problem, but helpful for self awareness and to choose the right work environment in future) - but he is strongly resistant to this. His self image is important to him, and he seeks adult independence. He is convinced the problem is his boss/ the workplace / colleagues and is not ready to consider his own behaviour might be behind this inability to fit in. He has said he intends to find another similar job in a slightly different field! He had a childhood friend with autism who went to a specialist school and he has a negative view of what being autistic might mean. I am really worried now as he is incredibly stressed at work, and I think is about to be sacked again. His savings are dwindling and he is so frustrated with trying to find a job he enjoys. He works very hard too.
At the moment, I think it very unlikely he will request a diagnosis or seriously consider whether he might be autistic. How can I help him come to terms with his situation, and help him establish a good independent life if he is not diagnosed? (By the way, I am a /was a career coach by profession, so could help him through employment choices!). How might I convince him to get assessed? What services might be available to us as his parents to learn how to help him manage his condition and also our own emotional reaction ? he relies very heavily on our day to day advice and support, and financial help, and we are feeling like things are never going to improve. (We are prepared to pay for specialist help if needed). Really appreciate any help from others who have experienced a diagnosis of an adult child. Thankyou
Lisa
Thankyou Daniel, and to everyone who has posted thoughts on this. Yes, what is making it so tough at the moment is that my son is really talented, and is passionate about certain fields, and I feel sure with the right job and work environment, he will do really well. The good news is that, although he is not sure at all that his differences may be due to any form of autism, he has said he is open-minded to the idea of perhaps getting an assessment.to improve his career decision making. It is us as parents that is driving this though (and I dont want to over ride his own free will as an adult, so its tricky) , but I think for this to happen, we will have to initiate and pay for an assessment ourselves (the NHS wait time is 2 years in our area). We are going to recommend 1 or 2 clinics to him to see if he is happy to start the process. I am going to put up another post for advice on choosing a provider of autism diagnosis. If, in fact, his needs are not in fact related to autism and the professionals think he isnt on the spectrum, at least we will all know. I think he is going to need some form of one to one support going forward, and after assessment we will know if this support needs to be from a professional with knowledge of autism .
What makes your son “eccentric” is due to psychological differences, and the underlying neurology of the autistic brain.
Autistic people are less likely to conform, we are described as single minded, original and not as willing to change our perspective. When a nonautistic person conforms it acts as a healthy response reducing stress levels caused by cognitive dissonance, but when an autistic person conforms stress levels rise.
If stimming is one of the “odd” behaviours this is due to the autistic brain having less ‘dopamine’, stimming produces dopamine. If your son feels very anxious while doing so it’s because autistic brains are overactive in the fight or flight response area (amygdala) causing elevated levels of anxiety.
The autistic brain functions in the same manner as a system, one doctor described autistic people as “emotional robots”. If we think of routines, a routine is a system. Keeping everything in the environment consistent, systems are consistent. Always wanting to know the income and outcome, on a system like any technological device the person is in control and knows the outcome before they even push a button. Overloaded with information, technological devices can only hold so much information before they shutdown.
Biopsychology brings some good explanations to why autistic people behave the way we do. Scientists are digging deeper into special interests, they see a parallel relationship between nonautistic people socialising with other people and autistic people engaging with their interest.
NAS80015 said:but its also up to those on the spectrum to educate colleagues.
In practice it often is and it's definitely in the interest of autistic people to do a little educating but as a point of law that's less true. The employer is going to be under an obligation to get certain things right once they know (or ought to be able to infer) an employee is disabled even if that employees isn't really able to offer them much guidance.
I can understand your son’s wish not to be seen as needing extra help or being seen as less capable in some way. He might possibly view this as being perceived as a ‘weakness’. I think my son has sometimes felt uncomfortable with this too - as a young man he wants to see himself as capable and strong. To think otherwise can be damaging for our self esteem. Admitting vulnerability can be very difficult - especially for a young man who has had struggles to fit in in the past. Maintaining your self esteem as an autistic person can be really difficult. In a society that often doesn’t respect people who are atypical it is not surprising that acceptance of being different or needing help can be challenging for us. It’s possible that being open about being autistic in the work place might not always be welcomed too. Your experience might be positive but some employers might not promote autistic members of staff (or employ them in the first place) due to ignorance and discrimination.
Thankyou Daniel. I think he is actually now coming to terms with the fact that he can be really intelligent and capable, but also be on the autistic spectrum. Please see my reply to peter above - yes, people can be intolerant. But I do think it can be very helpful to explain to the non-autistic (including people like me) that you have a different style of operating and set of preferences at work in order to be productive - to avoid a lot of confusion and negative reactions. My son masks really well, so I think it could help him to explain why he seems to behave in an 'eccentric' way.
Thankyou Peter- you make some interesting points. He has now said he may be open to getting assessed for autism, but he's not yet convinced there is much point in it for him - so I'm going to look into the benefits more. He is convinced he doesnt need any extra help - when I gently mentioned reasonable adjustments to jobs, he rejects the idea , saying he wouldnt want a job that had to be adjusted for him! He's now talking about freelance or self employment, which could avoid much of this, but of course he still has to attract and retain clients. I think letting people know he was on the spectrum could really help the confusion colleagues feel when he reacts or communicates in a way they find unexpected. I think its not recognising the problems others find with his behaviour (because of ignorance) that is the main problem - he is oblivious. I recognise what you say about workplaces not being adapted to the neurodiverse , but its also up to those on the spectrum to educate colleagues. In my own job, a colleague recently joined who declared he was autistic, and we had a really useful conversation about what he needed in the job , how he preferred to work and how we could all support him - if he hadnt told us, I probably would just have thought he was a bit odd!
Hi Lisa,
To help your son come to acceptance with his condition introduce and look at autism through “The Social Model of Disability” and avoid the medical model. We are in the process of social change to our societies through a civil rights movement called “The Neurodiversity Movement” which challenges the “ableism” created by the deficit approach in the medical model. Point out that as the world is designed it’s designed to accommodate for the needs of the majority, so it’s not your son has more needs, it’s just his needs are not accommodated for.
Research of the double empathy problem shows your son’s boss, colleagues, and failure to adapt the work environment are the problem. A test was done where autistic and nonautistic people communicated with each other one to one for 5 minutes, results showed that all the autistic participants were accepting of differences and did not rely on social expectations, unfortunately, as soon as each nonautistic communicated with an autistic person the nonautistic people began to dislike the autistic person within 10 seconds (literally), then disliked every autistic participant in general just because they did not fulfill the expectations of nonautistic people.
These results show it’s the nonautistic people of our society who are the problem as they are so dependent on their selfish expectations concerning whether they accept someone or not. It’s always been obvious to those of us autistic that it’s nonautistic people who have a lack of empathy for the way autistic people experience the world. While we have learned how nonautistic people communicate, nonautistic people seem to arrogantly assume their way is correct and there’s something wrong with us that nonautistic people don’t bother learning to understand us and our needs.
NAS80015 said:I have tried to gently mention to him perhaps he needs a particular environment and could perhaps be on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum (which would not be a problem, but helpful for self awareness and to choose the right work environment in future)
I would be very careful about this. Most autistic people choose to work in environments where we don't need good people skills because we prefer it but no one likes to be told they can't do a job or type of job. I would re frame it. If he is autistic (and really its very hard for us to say anything based just on your impressions) the benifit is new stratergies and reasionable adjustments can be put into place so he can do the kind of work he wants to.
If your son is autistic and has fallen in love with a job where people skills are essential then he's going to need coping strategies and reasonable adjustments to thrive but that doesn't mean he shouldn't pursue it.
NAS80015 said:He is convinced the problem is his boss/ the workplace / colleagues and is not ready to consider his own behaviour might be behind this inability to fit in.
Even if he does have autism he's probably not wrong. Reasonable adjustments are a legal duty. Employers are, to a degree, expected to adapt jobs and working practices to autistic employees.
NAS80015 said:He had a childhood friend with autism who went to a specialist school and he has a negative view of what being autistic might mean.
Because all too often autistic people are treated in a negative way. But if he gets the diagnosis he doesn't have to wear it on his sleeve. You should remind him of that. He's under no obligation to disclose private medical information to his employer.
Thankyou Kate for your kind response and very wise advice. In the last couple of days my son has started to talk a little about "whether I'm on the autistic spectrum or not ....", so he might be starting to entertain the possibility. I think you are right though- whether he engages with the idea of autism or not, we can still help him try to find the right environment for his next role (and perhaps educate ourselves about what an autism-friendly job might look like behind the scenes). I really appreciate your help.
Your love and concern for your son shines through in all you have written here. I’m sorry you’re both struggling in this way.
I have two autistic sons who are young adults - one at college (although currently not able to attend) and one who has left Uni with a really good degree - but has really struggled to find a workplace where he is happy (I think possibly for similar reasons as your son has struggled). Both my sons are accepting of the fact that they are autistic - although only one has a diagnosis (I am autistic too).
Your son is obviously very intelligent judging from all you say. I’m sure he’s intelligent enough to be aware of the issues he has - so perhaps he is just not ready to accept that his difficulties relate specifically to autism. If he feels so negatively about autism then he’s unlikely to be helped at this point by you focusing on autism as the cause of his difficulties. If he’s not ready he’s not ready. It might take him a long time before he can be accepting of that. In some ways though that’s not the most important thing. He can work on the issues he has whether he has a diagnosis or an awareness of his identity as an autistic person or not. Similarly you can support and help him without the need of any ‘label’.
The label isn’t the important thing here - even though it might help him if he could accept himself as an autistic person. He has to be ready to do that - and he sounds like he has some negative stereotypes about autism that are not helpful. I’m not sure as there’s much you can do about that at this point. You might just have to accept that for a while.
in the meantime he needs to find work that fits with his particular strengths and is ‘autism friendly’ in terms of the work culture and social demands (or lack of them to be precise!).
He obviously has a loving and supportive family so that’s a wonderful thing.
sending best wishes to you and your son :)
Thankyou Mariusz. Its an interesting video, which I hope my son might watch one day
NAS80015 said: his own behaviour might be behind this inability to fit in
it isn't, but the society's unwritten rules, they are anti-autistic
you son is right in this
NAS80015 said: He is convinced the problem is his boss/ the workplace / colleagues
but it's plausible he might be autistic
make him watch this video https://youtu.be/L6uTEoBHHF4
you're right, job as manager isn't right for him