Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
my recently diagnosed teenage boy (17) is always curt, unpleasant and rude to his younger brother (13). Their relationship is and has always been non existent which is heartbreaking to see. The younger one has only ever wanted a sibling he could play with, get on with, confide in, and trust. This has just never been there.
there is always way too much shouting, arguing, accusing and just general unpleasantness in the house. My Wife pushed hard to get our older boy assessed as she thought something amiss and he was diagnosed a few months ago.
He knows about his diagnosis but we have never broached this as with him or even as a couple much. He wasn’t particularly bothered by his diagnosis. He is high functioning but has always had problems making and keeping friends. He can deal with one person at a time and expects full loyalty and is not flexible at all.
his younger brother tried for years but has now given up trying to be friends with him. It’s so sad to see.
what practical advice can anyone give on any of this? What techniques are there for helping anyone in the family?
Hi, I am the older brother and had exactly the same relationship with my younger brother. As adults now we get on fine. We didn’t become friends until I left home. I found communication and understanding how someone else may feel impossible to navigate. Your eldest is at one of the hardest stages of his life. Hormones and the transition from boy to man is not easy to navigate. Most boys of his age most probably don’t tell everything that happens with his peers. There is no solution, only time. He hasn’t said much about his diagnosis but be sure he is trying to process it all. I would suggest therapy but I know at his age that I would have refused it as I was so full of self loathing and trying to make sense of being different.
Thanks. This is helpful. What is hard for us as parents and also for his younger brother, is that the only time he says anything at all to his younger brother is to criticise or snipe. It’s been going on so long now that’s how they talk to each other. They have no patience with each other now and it’s very hard.
I have just said to the older one, please consider what you are going to say and how you say it before saying anything to him. Any other suggestions?
He is autistic and it may not occur to him what an acceptable way to say 'leave me alone' sounds like. It might help to talk to him about the where's, what and whyfores of his little brother's annoyances and then equip him with some phrases that can convey the fact he just wants his space etc, without snapping at him. Meanwhile, have a word with the little one and let him know his brother is just frustrated and probably doesn't mean to be nasty, he's just can't express his frustrations very well.
Maybe, even if they don't get on, at least they won't get upset with eachother.
Thank you.
Hi, I can only tell you how I felt at the time and obviously can’t say if your son feels the same. I felt very jealous of my younger brother, he always had friends and was always able to have girlfriends. He would be popular at school while I just tried to survive it all. I took it out on him as he was the only one who was there. I suppose as the bullied, I wanted to bully someone smaller than me. You are right to start by having a word with him. Autistic people often do struggle with any relationships plus his diagnosis is still very fresh to him.