living with ?Asperger's man

Hi Rosemary

Thank you so much for your very helpful reply.  Whilst it is great to feel so not alone, it is also sad reading your post and other posts from women like ourselves who are living this oh so sad existance with their AS partners. 

I am so sorry that you had to go through the painful experience of miscarriage on your own without his support but I fully understand having been through *** cancer and him acting as if I had a cold!  I hope you had friends/family who were supportive to you and someone you could talk to.  I had a miscarriage when I was in my 30s and I remember how terribly sad and emotionally painful it was.  I still have dreams about my 'lost baby'. 

I remember once telling someone that D never calls me by my name and she looked aghast and said 'what does he call you'.  I had to say 'nothing' and I felt so stupid admitting this.  D will also never take a photo of me or let anyone take one of him or us together as a couple.  This has caused me a lot of heartache over the years as I love family photos.  He will never hold my hand when we are out together even when I asked him to - he just said he could never do it.  If we go out for the day shopping, when we get out of the car he says 'I will meet you back here in two hours' leaving me to wonder off on my own.  I look at couples our age enjoying being together and I get so upset.  My eyes are filling up now just thinking about it.

Although he is has a high sex drive, there has never been any affection or loving words which has made me feel that he is treating me just like a piece of meat.  I have finally moved into the spare room now as I can't take it any more, especially going through treatment for *** cancer. 

I have read a few posts from women who say their AS partner never tells him he loves them.  I too used to get upset over this as in ten years he has never actually said 'I love you'.  What he did do a few years ago was text me the words 'I love you dearly and forever'.  I have treasured that message but sometimes it's like grabbing the crumbs.  It has helped reading that AS men find it very difficult to express their emotions and that if they have told someone once that they love her, they don't expect to have to say it again, ever!!

At least your partner came for counselling with you which is heartening.  I did talk to D yesterday after I had been researching AS on the net all afternoon - I told him that I had been reading a lot about men with Asperger's and the more i read the more I was certain he had this.  I did have to stress that I was not accusing him of anything, and that AS men are usually very intelligent etc etc.  He seemed to take it on board, but we have reached rock bottom lately and I think he may be placating me as he does not want me to leave him again.  I got the idea that he didn't mind being labelled AS as long as he didn't have to do anything about it and could amble along in the same old way.  Even after I explained some of the common AS traits, he couldn't see he had a problem and I ended up basically saying that I was the one who had to learn to live with his idiosyncrasies.  So I have a long way to go yet!  I really do need to find out if all of Ds traits, behaviours are due to AS.  The alternative to him having AS is too unpleasant to contemplate as it means he is purely selfish, inconsiderate, mean, obnoxious and a few other words I could not even put on here!

Sorry for the essay

Love and hugs from me Bluegem x

P.S. I forgot to say - my partner never ever calls me by my name either. I have always wondered about it but didn't realise it was to do with the ASC. Neither does he ever offer to take a photo of me with the camera. There are stacks of him with our son and about 5 of me [that's one a year!] Ha! Good job I don't like myself in photos! XX

Hi Blue Gem,

I don't know where to start! So much of what you say is the same as my partner and from what i read, is classic of an Aspergers male.

That was exactly the same attitude as my partner's - he was fine as he was, thank you very much, perfectly happy and so, I should be too, despite some awful experiences with him. There were some absolute humdingers of rows before I realised what was amiss. I feel for you with your potentially serious illness episode and i too have had a similar experience in that my partner left me to pass the products of conception on my own when I had a miscarriage at home, because he prioritised his 1st cricket match of the season. His emotionless attitude is just the same as your partner's. 

I realised that this was not an issue that I could tackle on my own and so I began to look into options for counselling. I am surprised by your Macmillan counsellor's attitude. I am guessing that they know little about Autistic spectrum Condition. I chose a couples counsellor [Relate] who had some knowledge of ASC and went to see her on my own to start with.

My partner agreed to go with me for the 2nd appointment. If he hadn't I would have continued to go on my own as the counsellor recognised we were in crisis and would have gone with this for a while. I think my partner is frightened of us separating due 1)to our son,2) the financial situation [he is very motivated by money] and 3)the stigma of being divorced a 2nd time.

There is something called Rules Of Authority which people with ASC are very subject to. So, your partner may not be able to take on board what you are saying to him, but if it comes from a source which he respects as an authority on the subject, he may take a completely different stance and comply.

This has definitely been the case with my partner. Although the counsellor has only said the same things as I have said, he has taken them on board from her. Its both infuriating and heartening, at the same time! I have had a bit of a brainwave today as it has suddenly struck me that we need a top-up session every few weeks, so that he does not lapse back into what is natural for him. I think I am going to contact them and ask for this. I am sure she will agree as she understands the issues.

You are right in what you said - having a child with ASC as well as a partner is very hard, because I feel like a single parent a lot of the time. Having a child together was the thing that made me realise there was something very wrong in that my partner could not work together as a couple. This is the crux of the issue for us. He operates as a single unit. He thinks as one, he makes major decisions which affect me, without consultation [this drives me bonkers with rage!!] and puts himself first - always. When we attend a meeting to do with our son, he feels he cannot speak as he is worried that what he says will contradict what I say [this is a real symptom of his social interaction and communication difficulties but it goes deeper than that]. When he does speak, it is very abstract and leads off at a tangent away from the salient points that need to be addressed.

On the other hand, if I had not had a child with him, I would probably not have realised what the problem was. We probably would have drifted apart and gone our separate ways, as happened with his 1st marriage, with no children. Having a child together has made us try to stick at it. Plus, he has some very special qualities and talents. He has made a reasonable success out of life, managing to overcome the undiagnosed disability that he has had all his life. In a lot of ways, he is a nice guy.

Sheesh! I wrote an essay! I've bumped up the thread that I started - its on this same strand should be just underneath now. I was chatting to a lovely lady called Puffin for a while but I am guessing she got fed up with me bleating about my son's school. I don't blame her! I have had 2 months of the horrors with it and am probably going to have to swap schools which is a nightmare.

Hope to speak soon. Hang on in there. Being the neuro typical partner of an aspergers man is lonely and painful at times. It depends on whether you can put up with it and find other ways to make your life fullfilling. There are lots of books out there. Next time I come on I will point out a few to you.

Lots love and a big hug, Rosemary xxx 

Hi Rosemary, thank you for your reply.  It must be really difficult for you having a young child on the spectrum as well as your partner.

You say that its like describing your other half and I would be interested in talking some more to you about how you cope, what ways their symptoms are similar etc.  You see, even though I have always known my partner has some form of personality disorder, the word Asperger's has never been mentioned by his family or anyone else who knows him.  I am having counselling through Macmillan at the moment and the counsellor seemed to know about Asperger's but he seemed to think there was nothing in our relationship to save which I found very sad.  I have left him once before, it was only for four months, but I missed him so much as was so unhappy that I came back. 

He won't consider counselling and I am at the end of my tether with his 'selfishness'.  I feel that if only he would accept that he has a condition which makes it very hard for a partner to stay with him, he may agree to seek help.  As it is, he thinks there is nothing wrong with him and can't understand why I can't be happy.  You say that your partner has changed a little, that is encouraging and I would like to hear in what ways he has changed - anything to give me reason to fight for the relationship.  I can give you my email address if you prefer to write privately.  I understand if you are having a difficult time with your son and prefer not to - what is the name of your thread for partners of aspies, maybe I can find some help on there.

Love Bluegem x

I'm living with Mr Spock too. You could be describing my other half. We have a little boy and it wasn't until he was spotted at preschool as being on the autistic spectrum, that the penny dropped about his Dad, my partner.

It sounds like you are right in your suspicions. I have been down the same road, re acceptance and counselling and we have had had a block of 6 sessions recently. I must say that it has helped quite a bit - my partner does try to make more of an effort now and I am more understanding of his traits. It is far from easy though and every now again I have to wind him up like a clock to remind him of how NT folk function in relationships.

Currently, I am having big problems with my son's school and these have taken up all my time and energy so I have n't been on for a while. There is a thread on here a bit further down which I started for partners of aspies.

My partner is mid-50s and has managed to change a little so there may be hope for you.

Love Rosemary xx

There is a book around called "Asperger's Syndrome and Adults....Is Anyone Listening? Essays and Poems by Partners, Parents and Family Members of Adults with Asperger's Syndrome" collected by Karen E. Rodman (2003) Jessica Kingsley Publishers, that sets down some individual experiences. 

There is also, and perhaps more accessible, but just one person's experience, "Loving Mr Spock - Asperger's Syndrome and how to make your relationship work" by Barbara Jacobs (2003) Penguin Books.

Added to which there is a body of experience in the pages of this community discussion group.

People on the spectrum sometimes seem gentler and stronger when in fact what you are seeing is an absence of the usual behaviours of neurotypical males (the ones that lead to feminist comments about men).

Even if he agreed to counselling, it is unlikely to change his lack of responsiveness. If he has lived with this undiagnosed for 63 years, it is unlikely he will alter much. You may have to seek support of others when he cannot provide. (I'm nearly 63, diagnosed a decade ago, and therefore finding it easier knowing, but it wont be that easy)