living with ?Asperger's man

Hi Blue Gem,

I don't know where to start! So much of what you say is the same as my partner and from what i read, is classic of an Aspergers male.

That was exactly the same attitude as my partner's - he was fine as he was, thank you very much, perfectly happy and so, I should be too, despite some awful experiences with him. There were some absolute humdingers of rows before I realised what was amiss. I feel for you with your potentially serious illness episode and i too have had a similar experience in that my partner left me to pass the products of conception on my own when I had a miscarriage at home, because he prioritised his 1st cricket match of the season. His emotionless attitude is just the same as your partner's. 

I realised that this was not an issue that I could tackle on my own and so I began to look into options for counselling. I am surprised by your Macmillan counsellor's attitude. I am guessing that they know little about Autistic spectrum Condition. I chose a couples counsellor [Relate] who had some knowledge of ASC and went to see her on my own to start with.

My partner agreed to go with me for the 2nd appointment. If he hadn't I would have continued to go on my own as the counsellor recognised we were in crisis and would have gone with this for a while. I think my partner is frightened of us separating due 1)to our son,2) the financial situation [he is very motivated by money] and 3)the stigma of being divorced a 2nd time.

There is something called Rules Of Authority which people with ASC are very subject to. So, your partner may not be able to take on board what you are saying to him, but if it comes from a source which he respects as an authority on the subject, he may take a completely different stance and comply.

This has definitely been the case with my partner. Although the counsellor has only said the same things as I have said, he has taken them on board from her. Its both infuriating and heartening, at the same time! I have had a bit of a brainwave today as it has suddenly struck me that we need a top-up session every few weeks, so that he does not lapse back into what is natural for him. I think I am going to contact them and ask for this. I am sure she will agree as she understands the issues.

You are right in what you said - having a child with ASC as well as a partner is very hard, because I feel like a single parent a lot of the time. Having a child together was the thing that made me realise there was something very wrong in that my partner could not work together as a couple. This is the crux of the issue for us. He operates as a single unit. He thinks as one, he makes major decisions which affect me, without consultation [this drives me bonkers with rage!!] and puts himself first - always. When we attend a meeting to do with our son, he feels he cannot speak as he is worried that what he says will contradict what I say [this is a real symptom of his social interaction and communication difficulties but it goes deeper than that]. When he does speak, it is very abstract and leads off at a tangent away from the salient points that need to be addressed.

On the other hand, if I had not had a child with him, I would probably not have realised what the problem was. We probably would have drifted apart and gone our separate ways, as happened with his 1st marriage, with no children. Having a child together has made us try to stick at it. Plus, he has some very special qualities and talents. He has made a reasonable success out of life, managing to overcome the undiagnosed disability that he has had all his life. In a lot of ways, he is a nice guy.

Sheesh! I wrote an essay! I've bumped up the thread that I started - its on this same strand should be just underneath now. I was chatting to a lovely lady called Puffin for a while but I am guessing she got fed up with me bleating about my son's school. I don't blame her! I have had 2 months of the horrors with it and am probably going to have to swap schools which is a nightmare.

Hope to speak soon. Hang on in there. Being the neuro typical partner of an aspergers man is lonely and painful at times. It depends on whether you can put up with it and find other ways to make your life fullfilling. There are lots of books out there. Next time I come on I will point out a few to you.

Lots love and a big hug, Rosemary xxx 

Hi Blue Gem,

I don't know where to start! So much of what you say is the same as my partner and from what i read, is classic of an Aspergers male.

That was exactly the same attitude as my partner's - he was fine as he was, thank you very much, perfectly happy and so, I should be too, despite some awful experiences with him. There were some absolute humdingers of rows before I realised what was amiss. I feel for you with your potentially serious illness episode and i too have had a similar experience in that my partner left me to pass the products of conception on my own when I had a miscarriage at home, because he prioritised his 1st cricket match of the season. His emotionless attitude is just the same as your partner's. 

I realised that this was not an issue that I could tackle on my own and so I began to look into options for counselling. I am surprised by your Macmillan counsellor's attitude. I am guessing that they know little about Autistic spectrum Condition. I chose a couples counsellor [Relate] who had some knowledge of ASC and went to see her on my own to start with.

My partner agreed to go with me for the 2nd appointment. If he hadn't I would have continued to go on my own as the counsellor recognised we were in crisis and would have gone with this for a while. I think my partner is frightened of us separating due 1)to our son,2) the financial situation [he is very motivated by money] and 3)the stigma of being divorced a 2nd time.

There is something called Rules Of Authority which people with ASC are very subject to. So, your partner may not be able to take on board what you are saying to him, but if it comes from a source which he respects as an authority on the subject, he may take a completely different stance and comply.

This has definitely been the case with my partner. Although the counsellor has only said the same things as I have said, he has taken them on board from her. Its both infuriating and heartening, at the same time! I have had a bit of a brainwave today as it has suddenly struck me that we need a top-up session every few weeks, so that he does not lapse back into what is natural for him. I think I am going to contact them and ask for this. I am sure she will agree as she understands the issues.

You are right in what you said - having a child with ASC as well as a partner is very hard, because I feel like a single parent a lot of the time. Having a child together was the thing that made me realise there was something very wrong in that my partner could not work together as a couple. This is the crux of the issue for us. He operates as a single unit. He thinks as one, he makes major decisions which affect me, without consultation [this drives me bonkers with rage!!] and puts himself first - always. When we attend a meeting to do with our son, he feels he cannot speak as he is worried that what he says will contradict what I say [this is a real symptom of his social interaction and communication difficulties but it goes deeper than that]. When he does speak, it is very abstract and leads off at a tangent away from the salient points that need to be addressed.

On the other hand, if I had not had a child with him, I would probably not have realised what the problem was. We probably would have drifted apart and gone our separate ways, as happened with his 1st marriage, with no children. Having a child together has made us try to stick at it. Plus, he has some very special qualities and talents. He has made a reasonable success out of life, managing to overcome the undiagnosed disability that he has had all his life. In a lot of ways, he is a nice guy.

Sheesh! I wrote an essay! I've bumped up the thread that I started - its on this same strand should be just underneath now. I was chatting to a lovely lady called Puffin for a while but I am guessing she got fed up with me bleating about my son's school. I don't blame her! I have had 2 months of the horrors with it and am probably going to have to swap schools which is a nightmare.

Hope to speak soon. Hang on in there. Being the neuro typical partner of an aspergers man is lonely and painful at times. It depends on whether you can put up with it and find other ways to make your life fullfilling. There are lots of books out there. Next time I come on I will point out a few to you.

Lots love and a big hug, Rosemary xxx