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living with ?Asperger's man

Bluegem

Hi, I am Bluegem

I am aged 61 years and my partner of 10 years is 63.  Right from our first meeting, I knew he was a bit 'odd' but being a sucker for the underdog I persevered with our relationship.  Many of his odd traits included not looking me in the eye when talking, never calling me by my name (or any name), appearing to be non emotional, no friends, no previous relationships even though he was 51 when we met, never showing any interest in going out/on holiday or anything that involved leaving the house for more than a few hours, being obsessive about tidiness in the house and garden.  He is quite happy in his own little world though and very clever at creating and making things in his workshop (which is pristine tidy).  It has been a very difficult time for me as I need to feel loved and need shows of affection but although I have tried talking to him, it's been like talking to a brick wall.  Although I am still with him, it has not been easy and I spend a lot of time crying alone.  I look at him outside pottering in the garden and I so want to go out and hit him or scream at him for being such a 'closed book'.

Then six months ago I got diagnosed with *** cancer and it was his total lack of support that brought things to a head.  I was so hurt and confused as he appeared not to have any feelings - he even dropped my off at the hospital on the day I went for surgery and did not see any reason to stay with me when I was 'in good hands'.

Then a few weeks ago I read an article about Asperger's and it all seemed to click into place.  We were at an all time low in our relationship with me seriously considering leaving.  I did mention to him that I thought he may have Asperger's and explained why but he did not seem interested, even when I said that the only way our relationship could be saved was by him accepting that he may have this and for us both to seek out any help or counselling that was available.  He absolutely refused to even discuss it though.

I joined this site in order to hopefully give/gain support from anyone else struggling to cope with a partner who refuses to seek help even at the expense of losing a partner.

Thanks for reading

Bluegem

Parents

  • Hi Rosemary, thank you for your reply.  It must be really difficult for you having a young child on the spectrum as well as your partner.

    You say that its like describing your other half and I would be interested in talking some more to you about how you cope, what ways their symptoms are similar etc.  You see, even though I have always known my partner has some form of personality disorder, the word Asperger's has never been mentioned by his family or anyone else who knows him.  I am having counselling through Macmillan at the moment and the counsellor seemed to know about Asperger's but he seemed to think there was nothing in our relationship to save which I found very sad.  I have left him once before, it was only for four months, but I missed him so much as was so unhappy that I came back. 

    He won't consider counselling and I am at the end of my tether with his 'selfishness'.  I feel that if only he would accept that he has a condition which makes it very hard for a partner to stay with him, he may agree to seek help.  As it is, he thinks there is nothing wrong with him and can't understand why I can't be happy.  You say that your partner has changed a little, that is encouraging and I would like to hear in what ways he has changed - anything to give me reason to fight for the relationship.  I can give you my email address if you prefer to write privately.  I understand if you are having a difficult time with your son and prefer not to - what is the name of your thread for partners of aspies, maybe I can find some help on there.

    Love Bluegem x

Reply

  • Hi Rosemary, thank you for your reply.  It must be really difficult for you having a young child on the spectrum as well as your partner.

    You say that its like describing your other half and I would be interested in talking some more to you about how you cope, what ways their symptoms are similar etc.  You see, even though I have always known my partner has some form of personality disorder, the word Asperger's has never been mentioned by his family or anyone else who knows him.  I am having counselling through Macmillan at the moment and the counsellor seemed to know about Asperger's but he seemed to think there was nothing in our relationship to save which I found very sad.  I have left him once before, it was only for four months, but I missed him so much as was so unhappy that I came back. 

    He won't consider counselling and I am at the end of my tether with his 'selfishness'.  I feel that if only he would accept that he has a condition which makes it very hard for a partner to stay with him, he may agree to seek help.  As it is, he thinks there is nothing wrong with him and can't understand why I can't be happy.  You say that your partner has changed a little, that is encouraging and I would like to hear in what ways he has changed - anything to give me reason to fight for the relationship.  I can give you my email address if you prefer to write privately.  I understand if you are having a difficult time with your son and prefer not to - what is the name of your thread for partners of aspies, maybe I can find some help on there.

    Love Bluegem x

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