• Replies 6 replies
  • Subscribers 68 subscribers
  • Views 2827 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

living with ?Asperger's man

Bluegem

Hi, I am Bluegem

I am aged 61 years and my partner of 10 years is 63.  Right from our first meeting, I knew he was a bit 'odd' but being a sucker for the underdog I persevered with our relationship.  Many of his odd traits included not looking me in the eye when talking, never calling me by my name (or any name), appearing to be non emotional, no friends, no previous relationships even though he was 51 when we met, never showing any interest in going out/on holiday or anything that involved leaving the house for more than a few hours, being obsessive about tidiness in the house and garden.  He is quite happy in his own little world though and very clever at creating and making things in his workshop (which is pristine tidy).  It has been a very difficult time for me as I need to feel loved and need shows of affection but although I have tried talking to him, it's been like talking to a brick wall.  Although I am still with him, it has not been easy and I spend a lot of time crying alone.  I look at him outside pottering in the garden and I so want to go out and hit him or scream at him for being such a 'closed book'.

Then six months ago I got diagnosed with *** cancer and it was his total lack of support that brought things to a head.  I was so hurt and confused as he appeared not to have any feelings - he even dropped my off at the hospital on the day I went for surgery and did not see any reason to stay with me when I was 'in good hands'.

Then a few weeks ago I read an article about Asperger's and it all seemed to click into place.  We were at an all time low in our relationship with me seriously considering leaving.  I did mention to him that I thought he may have Asperger's and explained why but he did not seem interested, even when I said that the only way our relationship could be saved was by him accepting that he may have this and for us both to seek out any help or counselling that was available.  He absolutely refused to even discuss it though.

I joined this site in order to hopefully give/gain support from anyone else struggling to cope with a partner who refuses to seek help even at the expense of losing a partner.

Thanks for reading

Bluegem

Parents

  • Hi Rosemary

    Thank you so much for your very helpful reply.  Whilst it is great to feel so not alone, it is also sad reading your post and other posts from women like ourselves who are living this oh so sad existance with their AS partners. 

    I am so sorry that you had to go through the painful experience of miscarriage on your own without his support but I fully understand having been through *** cancer and him acting as if I had a cold!  I hope you had friends/family who were supportive to you and someone you could talk to.  I had a miscarriage when I was in my 30s and I remember how terribly sad and emotionally painful it was.  I still have dreams about my 'lost baby'. 

    I remember once telling someone that D never calls me by my name and she looked aghast and said 'what does he call you'.  I had to say 'nothing' and I felt so stupid admitting this.  D will also never take a photo of me or let anyone take one of him or us together as a couple.  This has caused me a lot of heartache over the years as I love family photos.  He will never hold my hand when we are out together even when I asked him to - he just said he could never do it.  If we go out for the day shopping, when we get out of the car he says 'I will meet you back here in two hours' leaving me to wonder off on my own.  I look at couples our age enjoying being together and I get so upset.  My eyes are filling up now just thinking about it.

    Although he is has a high sex drive, there has never been any affection or loving words which has made me feel that he is treating me just like a piece of meat.  I have finally moved into the spare room now as I can't take it any more, especially going through treatment for *** cancer. 

    I have read a few posts from women who say their AS partner never tells him he loves them.  I too used to get upset over this as in ten years he has never actually said 'I love you'.  What he did do a few years ago was text me the words 'I love you dearly and forever'.  I have treasured that message but sometimes it's like grabbing the crumbs.  It has helped reading that AS men find it very difficult to express their emotions and that if they have told someone once that they love her, they don't expect to have to say it again, ever!!

    At least your partner came for counselling with you which is heartening.  I did talk to D yesterday after I had been researching AS on the net all afternoon - I told him that I had been reading a lot about men with Asperger's and the more i read the more I was certain he had this.  I did have to stress that I was not accusing him of anything, and that AS men are usually very intelligent etc etc.  He seemed to take it on board, but we have reached rock bottom lately and I think he may be placating me as he does not want me to leave him again.  I got the idea that he didn't mind being labelled AS as long as he didn't have to do anything about it and could amble along in the same old way.  Even after I explained some of the common AS traits, he couldn't see he had a problem and I ended up basically saying that I was the one who had to learn to live with his idiosyncrasies.  So I have a long way to go yet!  I really do need to find out if all of Ds traits, behaviours are due to AS.  The alternative to him having AS is too unpleasant to contemplate as it means he is purely selfish, inconsiderate, mean, obnoxious and a few other words I could not even put on here!

    Sorry for the essay

    Love and hugs from me Bluegem x

Reply

  • Hi Rosemary

    Thank you so much for your very helpful reply.  Whilst it is great to feel so not alone, it is also sad reading your post and other posts from women like ourselves who are living this oh so sad existance with their AS partners. 

    I am so sorry that you had to go through the painful experience of miscarriage on your own without his support but I fully understand having been through *** cancer and him acting as if I had a cold!  I hope you had friends/family who were supportive to you and someone you could talk to.  I had a miscarriage when I was in my 30s and I remember how terribly sad and emotionally painful it was.  I still have dreams about my 'lost baby'. 

    I remember once telling someone that D never calls me by my name and she looked aghast and said 'what does he call you'.  I had to say 'nothing' and I felt so stupid admitting this.  D will also never take a photo of me or let anyone take one of him or us together as a couple.  This has caused me a lot of heartache over the years as I love family photos.  He will never hold my hand when we are out together even when I asked him to - he just said he could never do it.  If we go out for the day shopping, when we get out of the car he says 'I will meet you back here in two hours' leaving me to wonder off on my own.  I look at couples our age enjoying being together and I get so upset.  My eyes are filling up now just thinking about it.

    Although he is has a high sex drive, there has never been any affection or loving words which has made me feel that he is treating me just like a piece of meat.  I have finally moved into the spare room now as I can't take it any more, especially going through treatment for *** cancer. 

    I have read a few posts from women who say their AS partner never tells him he loves them.  I too used to get upset over this as in ten years he has never actually said 'I love you'.  What he did do a few years ago was text me the words 'I love you dearly and forever'.  I have treasured that message but sometimes it's like grabbing the crumbs.  It has helped reading that AS men find it very difficult to express their emotions and that if they have told someone once that they love her, they don't expect to have to say it again, ever!!

    At least your partner came for counselling with you which is heartening.  I did talk to D yesterday after I had been researching AS on the net all afternoon - I told him that I had been reading a lot about men with Asperger's and the more i read the more I was certain he had this.  I did have to stress that I was not accusing him of anything, and that AS men are usually very intelligent etc etc.  He seemed to take it on board, but we have reached rock bottom lately and I think he may be placating me as he does not want me to leave him again.  I got the idea that he didn't mind being labelled AS as long as he didn't have to do anything about it and could amble along in the same old way.  Even after I explained some of the common AS traits, he couldn't see he had a problem and I ended up basically saying that I was the one who had to learn to live with his idiosyncrasies.  So I have a long way to go yet!  I really do need to find out if all of Ds traits, behaviours are due to AS.  The alternative to him having AS is too unpleasant to contemplate as it means he is purely selfish, inconsiderate, mean, obnoxious and a few other words I could not even put on here!

    Sorry for the essay

    Love and hugs from me Bluegem x

Children
No Data