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living with ?Asperger's man

Bluegem

Hi, I am Bluegem

I am aged 61 years and my partner of 10 years is 63.  Right from our first meeting, I knew he was a bit 'odd' but being a sucker for the underdog I persevered with our relationship.  Many of his odd traits included not looking me in the eye when talking, never calling me by my name (or any name), appearing to be non emotional, no friends, no previous relationships even though he was 51 when we met, never showing any interest in going out/on holiday or anything that involved leaving the house for more than a few hours, being obsessive about tidiness in the house and garden.  He is quite happy in his own little world though and very clever at creating and making things in his workshop (which is pristine tidy).  It has been a very difficult time for me as I need to feel loved and need shows of affection but although I have tried talking to him, it's been like talking to a brick wall.  Although I am still with him, it has not been easy and I spend a lot of time crying alone.  I look at him outside pottering in the garden and I so want to go out and hit him or scream at him for being such a 'closed book'.

Then six months ago I got diagnosed with *** cancer and it was his total lack of support that brought things to a head.  I was so hurt and confused as he appeared not to have any feelings - he even dropped my off at the hospital on the day I went for surgery and did not see any reason to stay with me when I was 'in good hands'.

Then a few weeks ago I read an article about Asperger's and it all seemed to click into place.  We were at an all time low in our relationship with me seriously considering leaving.  I did mention to him that I thought he may have Asperger's and explained why but he did not seem interested, even when I said that the only way our relationship could be saved was by him accepting that he may have this and for us both to seek out any help or counselling that was available.  He absolutely refused to even discuss it though.

I joined this site in order to hopefully give/gain support from anyone else struggling to cope with a partner who refuses to seek help even at the expense of losing a partner.

Thanks for reading

Bluegem

Parents

  • I'm living with Mr Spock too. You could be describing my other half. We have a little boy and it wasn't until he was spotted at preschool as being on the autistic spectrum, that the penny dropped about his Dad, my partner.

    It sounds like you are right in your suspicions. I have been down the same road, re acceptance and counselling and we have had had a block of 6 sessions recently. I must say that it has helped quite a bit - my partner does try to make more of an effort now and I am more understanding of his traits. It is far from easy though and every now again I have to wind him up like a clock to remind him of how NT folk function in relationships.

    Currently, I am having big problems with my son's school and these have taken up all my time and energy so I have n't been on for a while. There is a thread on here a bit further down which I started for partners of aspies.

    My partner is mid-50s and has managed to change a little so there may be hope for you.

    Love Rosemary xx

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  • I'm living with Mr Spock too. You could be describing my other half. We have a little boy and it wasn't until he was spotted at preschool as being on the autistic spectrum, that the penny dropped about his Dad, my partner.

    It sounds like you are right in your suspicions. I have been down the same road, re acceptance and counselling and we have had had a block of 6 sessions recently. I must say that it has helped quite a bit - my partner does try to make more of an effort now and I am more understanding of his traits. It is far from easy though and every now again I have to wind him up like a clock to remind him of how NT folk function in relationships.

    Currently, I am having big problems with my son's school and these have taken up all my time and energy so I have n't been on for a while. There is a thread on here a bit further down which I started for partners of aspies.

    My partner is mid-50s and has managed to change a little so there may be hope for you.

    Love Rosemary xx

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