Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi. I'm new to the forum and am hoping for some advice, if possible.
I've recently been considering the possibility I might be autistic. I will as briefly as I can explain why.
As a child, I was 'naughty', always 'causing trouble' with my sister. My Mum describes it as her not being able to go past me without me causing some sort of trouble. This has led to a lot of guilt in later life. I also had a couple of meltdowns as a child, throwing myself to the floor. I also remember once pinching my mum because I wanted a rugby ball, throwing something hard at her (which hit her on the nose) because I was cross about something and smashing something she made out of Lego for no reason.
My parents took me to the doctor about my trouble making and were advised to put me in the garden to dig a hole. This was in the 80's, would autism be considered these days?
Also as a child from the age of maybe 7, I had very bad anxiety - unable to eat in public for fear of vomiting, lying in bed at night worrying I won't get to sleep, worrying at school I might always need the toilet - you get the idea. The anxiety reached a head in my twenties and I withdrew from life for a long time without seeing a doctor out of embarrassment.
Eventually I saw a doctor and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, have had CBT and have seen a psychiatrist. I also have quite intense OCD where I repeat actions. I am on anxiety medication.
I have a lot of empathy, I am able to understand people, am reasonably sociable though I don't really have any friends though I would like to have friends. However, when I see people I know in the street I have an intense feeling of not wanting to talk to them and will try to avoid talking to them if I can. I think I have a fear of being judged in some way.
At work, I have an almost ever present fear of confrontation and I am overly nice so as to avoid ruffling feathers or being disliked so I am not blunt or rude to people, though I am quite sarcastic. I am male, recently turned 41.
Do you think I just have anxiety, or is it possible I could have autism to some degree and therefore beneficial to seek an assessment? Many thanks in advance.
Hi. I would say signs of autism and/or perhaps ADHD might explain 'troubling making' - not being able to control and manage yourself well, or understand boundaries or social rules. Bad anxiety from an early age probably fits with that, probably agitated from it and taking it out on others.
Seems you have social anxiety, if you perhaps fear being judged. Bad habits like avoiding talking,or avoid people, develop early in life and can stay with you throughout life - but can be overcome if worked on.
Avoiding confrontation is an autistic thing, and perhaps you have/do masked bits of yourself to appear 'nicer'.
Anxiety now and then is normal, but if its most/all of the time then there must be something generating that - so be aware of negative thoughts and beliefs you have, worries, internal conflict, disturbing/troubling thoughts or painful memories/events (trauma), sensory triggers. Learning to manage these and heal can reduce anxiety or eliminate it.
You might want to explore yourself more, and read/watch other people with autism who talk about how they are affected, it can help us realise things we may not be aware of.
Very interesting Autimator and real food for thought. Thank you for taking time to reply :)