Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi. I'm new to the forum and am hoping for some advice, if possible.
I've recently been considering the possibility I might be autistic. I will as briefly as I can explain why.
As a child, I was 'naughty', always 'causing trouble' with my sister. My Mum describes it as her not being able to go past me without me causing some sort of trouble. This has led to a lot of guilt in later life. I also had a couple of meltdowns as a child, throwing myself to the floor. I also remember once pinching my mum because I wanted a rugby ball, throwing something hard at her (which hit her on the nose) because I was cross about something and smashing something she made out of Lego for no reason.
My parents took me to the doctor about my trouble making and were advised to put me in the garden to dig a hole. This was in the 80's, would autism be considered these days?
Also as a child from the age of maybe 7, I had very bad anxiety - unable to eat in public for fear of vomiting, lying in bed at night worrying I won't get to sleep, worrying at school I might always need the toilet - you get the idea. The anxiety reached a head in my twenties and I withdrew from life for a long time without seeing a doctor out of embarrassment.
Eventually I saw a doctor and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, have had CBT and have seen a psychiatrist. I also have quite intense OCD where I repeat actions. I am on anxiety medication.
I have a lot of empathy, I am able to understand people, am reasonably sociable though I don't really have any friends though I would like to have friends. However, when I see people I know in the street I have an intense feeling of not wanting to talk to them and will try to avoid talking to them if I can. I think I have a fear of being judged in some way.
At work, I have an almost ever present fear of confrontation and I am overly nice so as to avoid ruffling feathers or being disliked so I am not blunt or rude to people, though I am quite sarcastic. I am male, recently turned 41.
Do you think I just have anxiety, or is it possible I could have autism to some degree and therefore beneficial to seek an assessment? Many thanks in advance.
I think maybe some of the female profiles do fit men. Maybe look at aspergers from the inside on youtube.
Very interesting Autimator and real food for thought. Thank you for taking time to reply :)
Hi. I would say signs of autism and/or perhaps ADHD might explain 'troubling making' - not being able to control and manage yourself well, or understand boundaries or social rules. Bad anxiety from an early age probably fits with that, probably agitated from it and taking it out on others.
Seems you have social anxiety, if you perhaps fear being judged. Bad habits like avoiding talking,or avoid people, develop early in life and can stay with you throughout life - but can be overcome if worked on.
Avoiding confrontation is an autistic thing, and perhaps you have/do masked bits of yourself to appear 'nicer'.
Anxiety now and then is normal, but if its most/all of the time then there must be something generating that - so be aware of negative thoughts and beliefs you have, worries, internal conflict, disturbing/troubling thoughts or painful memories/events (trauma), sensory triggers. Learning to manage these and heal can reduce anxiety or eliminate it.
You might want to explore yourself more, and read/watch other people with autism who talk about how they are affected, it can help us realise things we may not be aware of.
Many thanks both for your replies, I really appreciate it
Hi, welcome.
So, it looks like you want to join The Invisible People Club .
I often say it as a joke ''I'm invisible (wave my hand like Obi-wan trying his mind trick on someone), you know it's my superpower''.
For me it's aquired feeling. So many reasons to avoid people. But I did not feel like that as a kid, I only knew that they think I'm different, and we all know what happens to kids that are different and smallest in class. Then I wondered why am I different all the time. I found an answer at last in January '21 when I joined this forum, I was 41 then. I texted my friends ''You know what - I've just found out I'm normal''. For the first time I felt like I found people like me.
But like AnnieH mentioned, like all people each of us is different, and similar at the same time.
If you would like some good read about autistic here is good stuff among my findings:
technical side of us https://autistic-village.com/
mindset for the future https://neurodivergentrebel.com/
evolution of us explained autcollab.org/.../
Cheers
M.W.Shayboski
PS. Read my blog, link in my profile, it would be much appreciated.
Ah, so sorry for my assumption!
Yes, I am the same. If there are lots of people talking in the staff room I would also sit quietly. I can't 'get into' a conversation if I have to compete with others. Quite often I don't even want to anyway as most people talk a lot of vacuous nonsense!
If it gets too loud I leave as high levels of noise (particularly high pitched shrieking laughter - I work in a female dominated workplace) make me quite stressed.
Hi AnnieH. Many thanks for your reply.
Just to be clear, I am male. Patti was just a nickname from my younger days
Not wanting to talk to people is one of the reasons I've been thinking about this again recently. The people are perfectly nice and I get on fine with them, but if I see people I know, I have an intense feeling of wanting to avoid them. I don't really know why. Also, if I find myself in the staff room with lots of people, I go very quiet, it is something I try and avoid.
Hi Patti81,
Welcome. Like you I am quite new to the forum having recently come to suspect I am on the spectrum. Since then I have been reading a lot around the topic, particularly as relates to women and girls so I would recommend that as a starting place.
Tony Attwood's website is quite informative and has a questionnaire designed to be a bit more geared to females than the AQ test that might help you in your research.
It can be difficult I think to get a definitive answer as we are each very different but if you are armed with as much information as possible then the next step would be speaking to your GP. I am not at that stage yet, and am not sure yet I want or need a formal assessment.
I can relate to what you say about avoiding talking to people; it's something I have experienced too. As I child I was often mute in front of certain people/in social situations and even now (I'm in my fifties) it still happens sometimes. It's very embarrassing but I don't seem to be able to help it.