Published on 12, July, 2020
I really don't know where to start.but here goes.my daughter has just turned 31.A mom to a beautiful little boy.she was always a lovely kind sweet little girl who became a very troubled teenager. Her dad left when she was 12.she started truanting from school .took a overdose at 13.she started seeing a psychologist. Every 2weeks for about 4 months.We (my mom and me) have come to realise she has many many autistic traits.We aren't close any more. I haven't seen her since Christmas day. I see my 5 year old grandson every 2 weeks. She doesn't understand why I want to see him.. she tells me and my mom "hes not yours,why should you see him. It breaks my heart.I have looked up adult autism and just the first 6 lines absolutely summed up my daughter.How do I as a mom approach the subject . My grandson is being assessed at school by senco. He is definitely on the spectrum but is improving such a lot since he started school in September. A lot of his problem is that his mom is totally obsessed with him. Looking back even if her dad had not left when he did she would still be like this. When she was a child we always said she was a funny onion. .I want to help her. She only has 2 friends. Both from When she started senior school. She doesn't work. Hubby has a really good job. She worked straight from school until she left to have her son. She has no real adult interaction. .I don't even know what I'm asking for really.She isn't thick or stupid . maybe she has realised she has these traits.I want to help her but I don't know how. Thanks for reading this very long post. Sending Happy thoughts to anyone that needs them today .Kooka x
Hi Kooka,
Some of this is a bit difficult to follow. Forgive me if I'm a bit lost (maybe english isn't your first language or, like many of us here you could struggle with a sort of dyslexia).
If I hear you correctly, there's You, your mum (a Great-Grandmother), your daughter and her son who she send to see you every few weeks?
A few things I'd love to note as a woman in her later 40s who's also autistic: 2 close friends I can trust far outweighs a room full of acquaintances who don't really know me. Friendship, like any relationship is an investment where we build trust over time. I have 3 close friends who I respect and feel respected by. I'm more introverted and too many relationships can be incredibly draining.
How did your daughter feel about being singled out as a 'funny onion'? I completely understand how perhaps you meant this to be endearing, but is there a chance it made her feel isolated and excluded? I ask because severing relationships to any degree are usually a result of unresolved resentment, built over enormous periods of time.
A father leaving his daughter can leave a scar. And in even the most healthy situations, we should step beyond our same-sex parent to become just a bit better, so strains with a mum might actually be a relief if: 1. There are severe differences in principles/ethics 2. There is too much competition 3. There is a great deal of stress from mismanaged roles/responsibilities.
I'm a bit puzzled as to why she'd question your desire to see your grandson, but I can tell you as someone who has been through it: Society operates in ways which are traumatising to autistics. Most individuals are capable of suppressing issues and redirecting their issues into something else. The autistic neuro-wiring is not capable of this. We find we need protection from societal projections and accusations, from being accused of motives that are foreign to us. We perceive and experience life differently. We are foreigners in our native lands. But with the right mentors we can become visionaries, crafters, philosophers, coders. But because our brains are not necessarily wired toward being socialised the way most are, we are often left unseen, overlooked and unprotected. That can build up over time. To where, not only did I not get the type of education I needed, I also wasn't seen for who I was and what I was capable of, which can be even more traumatising. Many autistics start hitting a wall toward 30 and realise there is a great deal of un-doing, of reframing, of mindful redesigning, of reimagining which needs to happen.
This would be no small issue. How much time has been wasted trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole?
If she is autistic, it may benefit you both to treat her with the respect and graciousness you might afford to a stranger. Start all over and commit to learning about who she is, checking your presumption as often as possible. This might be the only road to repair?
Bit of an impossible position to be in hm
al-anon helps me with the my struggle with powerlessness over people . There’s no quick fix and admittedly nothing makes it easy but it might help