Hi

I think about all the ways I can die daily. LOL I don't consider these suicide, just being OVERLY cautious! Reminding myself I'm human - fallible but resilient. When I was young (no diagnostic) I was a bit clumsy, told I had terrible timing, occasionally felt foggy-headed & felt a bit ghostly. I slowly became more in tune to myself and found I could stay focused and think straight much better without family around rather than being lost in the moment and constantly interrupted. Though I never really had this problem with my own son, but I made different conscious decisions than my parents. 

Creative is good! Stealing a great deal of time for the self to grow creative disciplines can be a struggle, but incredibly worth it. x

I think it's good to think about these things, not regarding killing yourself but being cautious and prepared for things if you can be. Unfortunately I obsess over death have done since my dad passed away. I don't want to die really but at times life is hard and I find myself feeling suicidal and not wanting to go on, usually results in a call with Samaritans or 111. I find family crippling me a lot and causing me a lot of problems, there's a lot of pressure with and around them and I'm constantly masking and trying to be "normal". I really wish I could be on my own but coping is so hard. The most I do at the moment is go for little walks on my own and volunteer.

You sound too me like you are a very good parent. Don't think I'd be such a great mum somehow which is sad as I'd love to be a parent.

I agree with you it can be a struggle and overwhelming but worth it. I love to be creative it inspires me and makes me happy. 

Hi Summer, nice to virtually meet you!

I’m guessing you’re living with family as in parent and maybe siblings? Forgive me if I’ve assumed incorrectly! I couldn’t wait to move out and do not regret it, though I have never struggled with self-care or being in my own, which I know others do struggle with. I similarly masked constantly at home with my parents and siblings. I’m the oldest of 5 and grew up with a physically disabled mum and dad who had to work a lot. I usually felt like I had to be the responsible one and the one who held everything together, so masked as pretty much perfect all the time and then couldn’t understand why people got frustrated with me for being so perfect all the time. Not knowing I was autistic, I kind of assumed that was what life was and didn’t get why everyone else my age seemed to be not trying as hard to fake it as I was.

I’m sorry to hear you sometimes struggle with suicidal thoughts. I imagine that must be really scary. I’m glad that you’ve been able to call Samaritans or 111 when you have felt that way. It takes a lot of courage to reach out when in that moment, so well done.

What sort of stuff do you do for work/study/fun?

In terms of the masking, one thing I find that helps when I’m in situations that I, for whatever self-imposed or other-imposed reasons, I have to mask is journaling. Like writing something no-one else will see in which I can be fully myself and say everything that was annoying and how I managed it. Also I find painting relaxing, and rollerblading a good way to run off steam, and reading sci-fi novels in the bath super reenergising. Still, it’s really important to find at least someone who you don’t have to mask with (or can mask significantly less often, as in rarely, with). That’s just my view but I think it’s important for having a sense of self and who you are! Would talking to your family about particular behaviours that you mask help?

Hi Summer, nice to virtually meet you!

I’m guessing you’re living with family as in parent and maybe siblings? Forgive me if I’ve assumed incorrectly! I couldn’t wait to move out and do not regret it, though I have never struggled with self-care or being in my own, which I know others do struggle with. I similarly masked constantly at home with my parents and siblings. I’m the oldest of 5 and grew up with a physically disabled mum and dad who had to work a lot. I usually felt like I had to be the responsible one and the one who held everything together, so masked as pretty much perfect all the time and then couldn’t understand why people got frustrated with me for being so perfect all the time. Not knowing I was autistic, I kind of assumed that was what life was and didn’t get why everyone else my age seemed to be not trying as hard to fake it as I was.

I’m sorry to hear you sometimes struggle with suicidal thoughts. I imagine that must be really scary. I’m glad that you’ve been able to call Samaritans or 111 when you have felt that way. It takes a lot of courage to reach out when in that moment, so well done.

What sort of stuff do you do for work/study/fun?

In terms of the masking, one thing I find that helps when I’m in situations that I, for whatever self-imposed or other-imposed reasons, I have to mask is journaling. Like writing something no-one else will see in which I can be fully myself and say everything that was annoying and how I managed it. Also I find painting relaxing, and rollerblading a good way to run off steam, and reading sci-fi novels in the bath super reenergising. Still, it’s really important to find at least someone who you don’t have to mask with (or can mask significantly less often, as in rarely, with). That’s just my view but I think it’s important for having a sense of self and who you are! Would talking to your family about particular behaviours that you mask help?

Sorry I didn’t reply for so long! I don’t spend that much time online anyway, but then I had COVID this week which was annoying. I’m way better now, but just meant lots of not really doing much!

Sounds like we have some stuff in common to do with family. Sorry about your dad, and well done for managing to be there for you mum and siblings. Volunteering definitely sounds like a good shout, maybe as a way of getting used to what working would be like.

I’ve never really lived on my own, but have lived with friends! I went to university to pretty much get some independence but then really struggled to make friends and had the most horrible 2 months and just wanted to give up completely. I talked to someone at the university who gave me some support and tips for making friends and once I’d got a good couple of friends everything turned around. Sometimes it’s hard because not everyone puts things where I want them or cleans things the way I want them, but also it’s nice to know the people I live with and stuff. Not sure we’d be able to afford a place without friends sharing the rent!

I do work - I actually work as a support worker for children with special educational needs in a school not far from my house. Occasionally the interactions with coworkers are  too stressful, but I have a really good line-manager who is really responsive to me and helps me to streamline my job to be able to make the biggest impact. I love working with the kids! There’s no pretence with them and I feel like I’m making a difference.

Ooh, if you like writing, journaling might be right up your street!! Did you give it a go? Hahaha, would love to see any painted surroundings if you do give it a go! . I have a box of clothes for painting because I’m also quite messy with it! I run an art for well-being club at the school I work at and the other week, I effectively threw a massive pot of blue paint all over myself and the floor!  Thankfully there wasn’t too much left in it, but enough that I spent a fair amount of time mopping up that evening!!

For fun - rollerblading all the way! I feel so free when I’m out on my blades! I’m kind of obsessed with it at the moment too! I saw a video of someone doing rollerobics (aerobics on rollerblades) t other day and now I think I want to be a rollerobics coach!  

Hey, nice to virtually meet you as well!

No you assumed correctly please don't apologise. I live with my mum and three brothers, my dad sadly passed away which caused a few issues but nothing I can't handle. I cope well I think that's where I'm more less detached from people maybe? Ooh how do you find living on your own? That is my dream thing to do, move and be self efficient and not need anybody. I really want to do this but it seems so hard and almost impossible at times. Wow the oldest of 5 I can see why you felt you had to be the responsible one who had to be perfect and hold everything together. I'm the oldest as well and I think like you I feel the same way that I've got to be perfect and mature all the time, sort of like the glue that keeps everything in place. I especially felt this after dad passed because suddenly I felt so much responsibility. Growing up was hard because of this and I also assumed everyone did this and just masked to get through everything.

The suicidal thoughts can be scary and make me feel on edge and overwhelmed but I do cope with it. Sometimes it gets bad and I need to call someone but I am coping at the moment.

Sadly I don't work at the moment but I am trying to get myself to a good place mentally and then I'll give it a try. I do volunteer work sometimes but only when I feel 100% otherwise I crash and burn. I'm not sure what sort of job I'd like. Something with not a lot of stress. For fun I like to do creative things like writing or making things. What do you do for fun? Do you work?

Thank you for the suggestion. I've not tried journalling before but I'm definitely going to now. I think this could be really helpful for me so thank you for that! It sounds like a great time to be yourself and currently I'm almost never myself. I've tried painting before but I'm not the best at it, always make lots of mess and never seem to get any on the canvas lol. But I might give it another shot just see if it helps.

I may try to talk to my mum see how it goes I guess. We don't really talk all that much.