Published on 12, July, 2020
After what feels like a lifetime of Ill defined mental health problems and difficulties I’ve finally revived a diagnosis for ASD at the start of December, a few days shy of my 40th birthday. I’m finding the whole thing a little hard to get my head around and I guess it’d be good to know how long other people took to accept and adjust to their diagnosis? I spent the first month kind of ignoring it but have just started really hammering the books to understand what it means so I can maybe start understand who I am. it feels like I’ve been completely alone in this for so long that I don’t really know how to accept or understand my thoughts and feelings, my wife is amazing but I can’t really express to her how I feel as I don’t have the language. I’m relieved that I’m not just odd and a failure at life but I also feel this means that things I find difficult are never going to really be surmountable.
also starting conversations on the internet shakes me almost as much as doing so in real life which doesn’t help, thanks for reading :)
Surprised autistic said:also starting conversations on the internet shakes me almost as much as doing so in real life which doesn’t help, thanks for reading :)
Hi SA,
It's great that you've taken steps to go through the process of diagnosis and have come through it all. It's also good that you've reached out on here despite the fear inside, all positive in my humble opinion.
I am in the waiting process of the wheel of diagnosis so tend to feel scared at times too, questioning my identity and if all my life has been led by what I think others want from me. This is why I can empathise with how you are feeling.
Turning this thought process on its head, I'd say, yes it is scary and yes there may be parts of you that you have developed to benefit others. To feel calmer about this I think that all experiences are valid and were developed to cope. You now have a new lens through which to review your past. This knowledge will allow you to move forward with the internal you the way you need to. Every part of you is important and valuable. You can and will find your way. It may not look the way you once had imagined but it may allow you to be more forgiving of yourself for the aspects of your life where you need to try much harder. On the other side of pain lies warmth and stillness.
You show great strength in your post because you are facing your fear:
Surprised autistic said:internet shakes me almost as much as doing so in real life
You show determination because you are being honest about internal turmoil:
Surprised autistic said:t feels like I’ve been completely alone in this for so long that I don’t really know how to accept or understand my thoughts and feelings,
You have support:
Surprised autistic said:my wife is amazing but I can’t really express to her how I feel as I don’t have the language
Perhaps you could let your wife read this post and that may bridge any gaps in understanding?
Keep trying. Keep sharing. Keep finding you.
All the best.