Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, been with my partner for 1yr 4 months now. As I've got to know him more and more I'd put my last pound on him being autistic. All of this being fine however I do want to understand it some more. I have worked with autistic children for 10 plus years however when in a relationship its so very different.
Our relationship is good and I'm very happy. He appears happy aswell. He doesn't talk much at all about feelings full stop.
When we first got together sex was mental, very often, trying new things. The want to please eachother was wonderful. A real connection, not just sex. This lasted a year. And it has slowly faded away. Now I know some people will say it's was honey moon period blar blar blar but I don't believe it was.
Was the first year an act/show. Did he do what he 'thought' was correct.
Is his sex drive actually not very high?
He is very stressed with work right now, does anyone else's sex drive disappear when stressed and tired?
I use sex or the release from sex as a de stress. Having sex, kissing and cuddling calms me and helps me chill. Is this the case for you? Or the opposite?
Is he fully being himself with me and does not feel/want sex now?
I know you can't answer the questions but if you have had any experience in this area I'd much appreciated your impact.
Thanks
HI. You may want to read books on relationships with an autistic person, such as Aspergers In Love by Maxine Aston, as the typical issues are discussed in these books. If he is autistic, you will have to accept the relationship will be different to what you may have had before, or may expect with someone NT. There is no way around this. But don't be put off by this, both sides can learn to make it work and be in a better place because of it.
Some autistic people can be like a firework at the start and then fade over time, some longer than others - things like work stress, or anxieties about the relationship, or just general worries, can flatten a sex drive and break a relationship. My last relationship was like this, and my NT partner didn't understand why I couldn't turn it back on again. Others are slow to light up, and that can be difficult for NT people as well.
You need to talk to him about things, in a calm and friendly way - find out his thoughts and feelings about work, life, the relationship, you, etc. Also, let him know what you need from him. You could suggest he writes it all down if that makes it easier.
Goodness, thanks for the book recommendation.