Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, been with my partner for 1yr 4 months now. As I've got to know him more and more I'd put my last pound on him being autistic. All of this being fine however I do want to understand it some more. I have worked with autistic children for 10 plus years however when in a relationship its so very different.
Our relationship is good and I'm very happy. He appears happy aswell. He doesn't talk much at all about feelings full stop.
When we first got together sex was mental, very often, trying new things. The want to please eachother was wonderful. A real connection, not just sex. This lasted a year. And it has slowly faded away. Now I know some people will say it's was honey moon period blar blar blar but I don't believe it was.
Was the first year an act/show. Did he do what he 'thought' was correct.
Is his sex drive actually not very high?
He is very stressed with work right now, does anyone else's sex drive disappear when stressed and tired?
I use sex or the release from sex as a de stress. Having sex, kissing and cuddling calms me and helps me chill. Is this the case for you? Or the opposite?
Is he fully being himself with me and does not feel/want sex now?
I know you can't answer the questions but if you have had any experience in this area I'd much appreciated your impact.
Thanks
Hey probs wont help much because im in my late teens... my boyfriend likes having hugs and for whatever reason he just understands me just like i do to him as we are both autistic and remember to just try and adapt to his needs. Stay strong!
Everyone is different but I find myself that my sex drive is either through the roof high or almost non existant. This is usally down to how stressed or depressed I feel in life. If I have had a bad time at work or am under a lot of stress I do not want, or am probobly even capable of, sex with my wife at all. If I am feeling more settled and calm in life though, I want it with her all the time.
You mention that he is under stress at work. This could well have something to do with it. Work always affects my drive more than anything. Maybe his will come back once he is feeling more settled.
I have pretended and masked with this stuff before but in my experience I think it would be difficult to put on a show for a whole year. I think some of that was hopefully genuine. Its difficult to fake for that long or make it feel as real as it obviously did to you if its not real.
One more thing to consider, lack of confidence can affect it too. I dont know what his work situation is but if he is being made to feel a failure or inadequate at work that might affect his confidence with you. I know myself when I have been made to feel like that at work I dont have the confidence to be intimiate with my wife
Sex isn't an issue for me, Just the relationship thing that really bugs me, All my exes were not very nice people, But I do have friends with benefits, I think some people have a different definition of a high sex drive. I agree sex helps me to release stress, but it might be stressful for other people. everyone is diffrent,
Goodness, thanks for the book recommendation.
For me personally I don’t find sex is an issue, but maintaining a good relationship with my partner is. I’ve come to think that sex is what holds a stable relationship and the only way for me to connect with that person, but truth be told it isn’t.
On the other hand I’ve had times where my partner (past and present) might not want sex and I’ve been extremely offended. Pushing me into a state of further isolation and not wanting sex at all for weeks on end. Or in the extreme, looking for another sexual partner.
Since none of us is inside his head, it is impossible to say for sure. But some ND folk report very high sex drives, and others that they are indifferent to it, or even that it is actually unpleasant for them. OK, so I'm an old lady now, but in my youth I did have a strong sex drive. However, it can suddenly take a dip to the other extreme though usually due to a) stress b) not happy with something in the relationship c) some other sensory bombardment that I'm just not coping with right now. a and c tend to bounce back, for me in time. b never does!
I would bet that it's because he's very stressed (it might affect him even more than it appears). When I am very stressed it takes up so much brain space that I pretty much can't deal with relationships as I am constantly in crisis avertion mode and wouldn't be able to relax enough to enjoy intimacy. Things might change back again when his most stressful period is over.
HI. You may want to read books on relationships with an autistic person, such as Aspergers In Love by Maxine Aston, as the typical issues are discussed in these books. If he is autistic, you will have to accept the relationship will be different to what you may have had before, or may expect with someone NT. There is no way around this. But don't be put off by this, both sides can learn to make it work and be in a better place because of it.
Some autistic people can be like a firework at the start and then fade over time, some longer than others - things like work stress, or anxieties about the relationship, or just general worries, can flatten a sex drive and break a relationship. My last relationship was like this, and my NT partner didn't understand why I couldn't turn it back on again. Others are slow to light up, and that can be difficult for NT people as well.
You need to talk to him about things, in a calm and friendly way - find out his thoughts and feelings about work, life, the relationship, you, etc. Also, let him know what you need from him. You could suggest he writes it all down if that makes it easier.
Haven't left school yet so haven't had sex before. I'm also deaf so not sure how it would be for me. Lol
Wouldn't know as still a massive virgin at aged 25
we can be at both ends
I am totally not interested, so in my only relationship, all buzz ended when she stopped being interested after 1 year