Newly diagnosed 10 year old son. Help

Thanks so much, just knowing that other families have gone through something similar is great support. 

Hi, I really get where you are right now. My son was diagnosed aged 12,  he's 18 now.  Everything you describe in your post is so close to my son, exactly the same checking every day: would we pick him up from school on time, will x, y and z be the same. It became an obsessive thing to keep checking. His school was awful, had no SEN support and we ended up having to keep him home for three years. At school he was well behaved but massively anxious so he'd come home and just explode with stress, so we put his mental health first, as it was clear that the noise and crowds was too much for him. 

The first thing to know is that it does get better, you will get there, but from my own experience can I suggest a few things that I wished I'd known a few years ago about ASD child anxiety?

1. Worries are his way of making sense of a bewildering world. They are just a symptom rather than a cause. I'd suspect that the more predictable, small-scale and routine his life becomes the more they will disappear. Rules that we think are obvious are not to him -- someone once described every day at school for such a child as being like trying to find a hotel in a foreign city when you don't speak the language and have no map. Stressful, basically. 

2. If you can tackle this cause of his lack of control or understanding of his daily life and he enters a period of relative calm, then move to a longer term approach of using CBT methods which will root out unhelpful ways of dealing if stress before they take root. Otherwise he will get older and then suddenly return to worries when things change. I wished we'd done this with our son.

3. Allow all options to be on the table for you to ensure his world becomes what works best for him. For us, that meant withdrawal from school, initially against our wishes but eventually we found out that the county ed authority have a duty to educate him so we got funding for home tutoring. It could mean radical thinking, but I'd guess you're used to that so far.

4. Animals are great for lowering stress for ASD children. There is a non verbal thing that works. I wish I understood what it is. Horse riding, or helping out at stables or just having a dog etc.

5. It does get better. We've been to hell and back, maybe because we didn't know about things that could have helped, but now my son is a funny, interesting and sensitive chap because he's had all these challenges. You will get there too. Good luck. 

Note that the original post was more than 7 years ago, but this sounds si similar to my 10 year old son. He has had a lot of problems at school with his peers. He is managing well st school but the build up and school refusing before and the nightly meltdowns are exhausting for us both. He cannot cope with clothes and definitely has had a sensory issue since around 2 years. I am struggling to be seen by professionals and am on a very extensive waiting list for CAMHS. It is very difficult to explain to doctors how difficult this us for him, his brothers and myself as he can present very calm in other settings. All help and advice would be grateful 

hi helena 80,

How did you tell your son, we are not sure how to tell him. Weve just had another appointment with Camhs, they have suggested we try and talk to him and see what autism means to him, however when i try and talk to him about sensory processing he avoids or gets angry and runs off,  and he doesnt want to know. H knows he has SPD but not the aspergers, its like hes in denial. When at the park, i was talking to another parent whos child has autism, she asked him to play with her child, he said no and ran off, i approached and said that would be really nice to play he just got angry and sat under the climbing frame, i think its avoidance.

Do you have suggestions on how i could approach the subject.

Thanks

Hi this sounds just like my son, also 10 yrs old. We got a diagnoses of autism and social anxiety 3 years ago and my youngest son age 5 was diagnosed with aspergers and demand avoidance behaviour last year. My eldest son has never liked school,  he wont go to clubs or parties or anyone's house etc. He is awarw of his diagnosis and does try to use it as an excuse for bad behaviour although his behaviour at school is exemplary,  he's very quiet and is progressing well but has no friends which upsets him, he doesn't know how to be social so finds play times very stressful. Im sorry I don't have any answers for you as I'm looking for advice too. Oh and he also complains of tummy ache, feeling sick and headaches regularly too but doctors have reassured us there is nothing physically wrong with him and these are symptoms of anxiety x  

We have not told him of his aspergers diagnosis. we were unsure of whether to or not, as when we told him of his sensory processing dosorder, he got really depressed and down on himself. He kept saying he hates himself, he doesnt want to be different. im useless, i cant do anything.We explained that everybody is different and finds different things difficult, and highlighted what hes good at and how he had good hearing, sense of smelletc.  He often gets sad and has low self esteem. The doctor and teacher doesnt think we should tell him because of his anxieties.

Hi crystal12

I dont know much about statements, but i thought the child has to have difficulties learning/ behaviour at school. He was being picked on, but everything is ok at the moment. The school is good as it has a autistic resource base attached, however i think they may concentrate on the more severe children with learning/ behaviour dfficulties. My sons main concerns are anxieties and worries at school and out of school. Who do i speak to about statements.

Hi. Has he being told of his diagnosis? Have someone explained to him what it means. I know from experience that as soon as you explain things to them ( without allowing them to use their diagnosis to avoid situations) they tend to relax a lot and understand themselves better (of course initially they tend to over react!!!)

Hi again - yes - from reading the posts on here for a while now a number of children with aspergers present at school the same way as your son :  quiet, no trouble etc.  Then they get home + all the tensions they've held in all day spill out.  As he'll be going to secondary relatively soon I do think you need to think about a statement.  As I said before, secondary can prove more difficult.  It wd do no harm to look into it + see what's on offer.  Also + I may have interpretted your post wrongly, but is he being picked on at playtimes?  If so then the school needs to deal with that.  Is the school autism-aware?

Thanks crystal 12

It was very hard, and very emoional too. Still is especially when he has one of his anxiety attacks and doesnt want to go to school. Im not sure if my son would need  a statement of educational needs, as he does not have any learnng difficulty, he is very quiet at school and no trouble at all. His teacher says he is making progress. I think it is mainly at play times, he struggles with friends and he says the other children let him play if he is 'it'. They all know he cant run very fast, or he has to be the slave, not the king.

We have another year and a half before secondary, we have to get through the school day trips before that one, hopefully things will be better and in place for him to cope with the change.

Hi - good that you finally got a diagnosis.   Sounds like it was hard-going getting it.  Has your son got a statement of educational needs so that he can get the support he may need at school?  There are a lot of posts on here about children finding mainstream school difficult.  Sometimes the child's "behaviour" appears ok at school but then a meltdown occurs once home.  School can be very tough for them.  When they move up into secondary it can be even tougher.  That's why I ask about the statement.  Anxieties crop up very regularly either via parents posts or posts from those on the spectrum.  Also, via the nas home pg, you'll find loads of info so have a look there if you haven't already.  It's good that you've come here - there's lots of support from people who understand.