Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,I'm a 38 year old female and I think I may have Asperger's. My GP is going to refer me for an assessment.
I've always found socialising difficult, but thought I was just shy or had social anxiety. But recently I noticed something worrying: I keep falling out with friends or offending them without intending to. I don't know if this is a symptom of Asperger's or not? Could someone clarify this? The worrying thing was that I couldn't predict when it was going to happen, and sometimes I didn't even understand why it had happened. That's when I started researching and trying to find out what the problem could be. When I read about Asperger's, and symptoms like 'masking', I realised that I have masked all my life. I realised that maybe the reason I have low self esteem is because I could never understand why I couldn't be social like others could.
Anyway, I am very pleased to have found this community. Thank you! It is great to know that I'm not alone in this experience.
I have some questions about diagnosis. I am somewhat worried because I understand that many high-functioning autistic females are misdiagnosed. I've read that if you do get an Asperger's diagnosis, you can access help and support. Can anyone tell me what kind of help you can access, specifically in terms of therapy: can you get help developing social skills, and help for low self esteem and anxiety, for example? What kind of therapy is it? Can you get to the stage where you can function more easily and get less anxious?
If I get diagnosed as NOT autistic, can I still participate in this forum? I guess I could still read self-help books for Asperger's, and use what is relevant? I am currently on the waiting list for CBT for anxiety (I have had therapy several times in my life, for issues including an eating disorder, low self esteem, anxiety, and insomnia, and I'm currently waiting for more therapy). I suppose I could tell the therapist that I suspect I have Asperger's, but they wouldn't be able to give me specialist help for autism, but perhaps they could help me with social anxiety.
Thank you!
I’m in Kent and was diagnosed in 2020, aged 48 (am female).
The commissioned provider for Adult ASD diagnosis in my area also provided a post-diagnosis CBT package as part of the diagnostic pathway package. I’m also getting ‘coping strategies at work’ coaching through the Access to Work scheme (via Dept of work and Pensions). I’d say this coaching is helping me relax into being my authentic, autistic self and to stop being so hard on myself with self blame and negative thinking.
I’m reviewing my life in reverse and am on a vertiginous learning curve to understand myself through a different lens. I have a daughter diagnosed ASD in 2021 who will be starting an ‘ASD and me’ course with SENCO at school and am expecting what she learns will educate me as well. So like @aidie says, depends where you live.
I have low self esteem and anxiety too and about to be assessed for ADHD which, currently (if I do actually have that too), is more problematic for me.
I honestly think my anxiety meds need replacing with ADHD meds.
It’s like coming home when you find the right community and this forum really helped around the time of my diagnosis. I only stepped back from posting due to the pandemic (I’m an NHS worker).
I hope that helps.
Hi ItsMyMind, Thanks very much for your reply. It's really good to hear that the support that you have been getting has been helping you. It sounds like the therapy you had was specialised for ASD. If I am given a positive diagnosis, this is what I hope that I might be able to have. I want to try to understand why I have particular issues. I don't know if this is a common symptom of ASD or Asperger's, but in the last few years I have unintentionally offended or fallen out with several people. It's got to the stage where I'm worried about trying to make new friends or develop my career, in case I wreck things. Do you know if this is a common symptom? Maybe it's just me?I can't imagine how stressful it must be at the moment for NHS workers. Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post.
Hello Ultramarine :-)
I would say that having ASD is the true cause behind me having made multiple mistakes socially and with my career. Post diagnosis and looking back at my life history I can see how ASD explains so much of why I kept getting things wrong.
I am reticent to give you definite answers on your symptoms as I’m not medical (I’m in NHS management) and I don’t know you - most people on here will be the same and I think diagnosing people via forum discussions would be a red flag for the moderators.
It sounds like you are analysing your behaviour a lot which I did and still do constantly because, for me so little in life was instinctive so I never knew if I was doing something wrong or if I was just over-thinking. I’ve abandoned friends who didn‘t ‘get’ me and who were, I now realise, judging me against neuro-typical ideals. I’ve also ruffled feathers in the workplace because of my straight to the point/blunt approach because I clearly didn’t have an inbuilt social niceties toolbox.
I’ve learned loads from forums and my own research and that helped give me more certainty about the fact that I really did have symptoms.
I knew I had always masked but didn’t use that term because I didn’t know it then. I knew I lived in my head a lot but wasn’t aware that the extent to which I was doing it and the front I had to put on everyday was typical in autistic people. I simply didn’t know that neuro-typical people didn’t have to do all that extra work (it’s exhausting!)
Leading up to my diagnosis, the key thing for me was picking up pathological demand avoidance in my daughter which made me realise I also had this. This led onto other discoveries: masking, sensory processing disorder, autistic meltdowns, autistic burn out, Tourette’s, anxiety, hyper-focussing, poor time-keeping, memory issues, etc. The more I read, the more I found I was able to tick a checklist of symptoms in both my daughter and myself. I am still reading and still learning every day despite what I thought I already knew about myself.
The post-diagnosis CBT in Kent is ASD specific. The Access to Work coaching will help you tackle whatever issues your neuro-diversity causes you in the workplace so for me it will help with my ASD issues plus my (suspected) ADHD issues because I can bring any issues to the table even though I have no official ADHD diagnosis. So when you say:
Ultramarine said:Can anyone tell me what kind of help you can access, specifically in terms of therapy: can you get help developing social skills, and help for low self esteem and anxiety, for example?
My coaching won’t teach me social skills but it will help me reflect on my approaches, change the negative thought patterns, help me see where I can be honest about my issues and give me insight to how my brain works so I can strategise how to be successful in the work place. In turn that helps with my low self esteem and anxieties and helps me function better because I don’t have to pretend to be neuro-typical. It really takes the pressure off. Does that help?
I’m also looking to learn a lot from my daughters ‘ASD and me’ course! As she is learning it at the start of her ASD life rather than in the middle like her Mum.
Hi ItsMyMind, Thanks for your reply. Like you, I've also been reading about women who were diagnosed later in life, and a common thing that they say is that other people tell them that they don't look autistic, or they don't believe their diagnosis. Obviously I don't yet know if I'm autistic, but this is something I've been encountering already. I've only told my immediate family and two friends, and I'm not going to tell anyone else until I have a diagnosis. Two of the people I've told don't think I'm autistic. I think if I do get diagnosed, I will only tell a few people, because it's a bit upsetting when people think you're just looking for a label. I'm trying to be a bit understanding and forgiving, and remind myself that these people probably just don't know much about autism so it's understandable that they wouldn't necessarily recognise it in people.
Apologies Ultramarine I missed your questions:
You said:
“what do you think it was that initially helped you realise that you might be autistic?” and Honestly, it’s a bit hazy. I think about 2010 I started talking a bit tongue in cheek about ‘my autism’ as a short cut to having to explain what I liked things in such detail. I had also started reflecting on why I’d ended up building databases and why I loved it so much. In the media I’d started to tune in to various articles and podcasts about women who were diagnosed late in life. Seeing the PDA in my daughter forced my hand: I couldn’t allow her to be diagnosed and stay in the Autism closet. Thank reason I wasn’t diagnosed earlier I think is because I was born in the 70s when Autism was considered a male condition: simple as that.
Ultramarine said:why do you think it was that you weren't diagnosed earlier in life?
no problem thanks for the compliment
aidie said:awesome reply
Why thank you. Coming from a pro like yourself that really is a compliment!
awesome reply
Hi ItsMyMind,Thanks for your reply. It's encouraging to hear how many positive changes you've been able to make independently and with the help of your coaching. Thanks for describing it in detail - that has helped me to understand what sort of help follows an Asperger's diagnosis.I'm interested to know, what do you think it was that initially helped you realise that you might be autistic? From what you've said, it sounds like you first saw symptoms in your daughter and then recognised them in yourself as well? Or was there something else that led to the realisation? Also, only if you're happy to talk about it of course, why do you think it was that you weren't diagnosed earlier in life? I'm interested in hearing about the experiences of other people who were diagnosed later on.