I'm undiagnosed, and have questions about diagnosis

A few possible insights on the friendship thing. Autistic people tend to think that friendships stay in a form of stasis; that if you are not in contact for a time, then when you re-establish contact things will be exactly the same. However, neurotypicals work at maintaining friendships by keeping up contact and feel neglected and sometimes offended when this is not forthcoming. Another aspect is that autistics tend to be poor at picking up social cues, especially facial expressions and body language. This means that we often do not notice that we have offended someone until they are totally exasperated and actually say what the problem is. This also works in reverse, we are poor at giving out these signals, and may offend because we don't sound or appear to be concerned or sympathetic, when we very well might be. If you trust your friends, it might be worth telling them that you are awaiting assessment and point out some of your social limitations, they may be more understanding.

Perfectly agree with you. It is my daily life. Now I said I Autistic or I show my card. It is a first step, but it is not enough, because deeply nobody change.
Maybe do you have another expériences or solutions or where to find help?

Perfectly agree with you. It is my daily life. Now I said I Autistic or I show my card. It is a first step, but it is not enough, because deeply nobody change.
Maybe do you have another expériences or solutions or where to find help?

As a tutor myself I have students who worry. They are usually the most conscientious ones and are afraid to get things wrong. (This is also a descrption of myself.) I don't know if they are on the spectrum or not but I try to help them whatever way. Don't feel you have to apologise for being a worrier. If you feel it'd help then maybe it's a good idea but I don't know you or your tutor! What are you studying?

That's a very good point.

Hi Out_of_step,

Thanks for your reply.  That's a helpful suggestion - to think about why I'm telling a particular person.  I think with my tutor, I feel I want to apologise and explain.  For example, I'm often anxious and worry a lot, and I just want to tell her that maybe this is why.  It feels like I want to apologise, even though I don't think she expects this of me.  But I haven't yet decided if I'm going to say anything until I am diagnosed.

I'm not going to tell my work manager, because I work from home (I have always done in this particular job, even since before the pandemic) and I have always managed to hold down a job and function reasonably well, so I don't think he needs to know.  As far as I understand from what I've read, I don't have disclose to any employers or potential employers.  I wouldn't want to harm my chances of getting work, I know it shouldn't be like that, but I wouldn't want to take the risk.

On my journey of self discovery, I told my manager that I identified with many traits although hadn't been diagnosed at the time. At the time of this conversation I was signed off work with anxiety and I felt it a good opportunity to mention it. 

One thing I will say from experience.  If you do decide to tell someone (either I am AS or I think I might be) you need to know WHY you are telling them. I've found for myself, its no good just telling people because they won't know what to do with the information. It needs to be "I'm AS/potentially AS this is how you can help me when I need help" or, "I'm AS / potentially AS and this is what I find difficult". 

Just out of interest, what were your Aspie test scores? I scored higher than "neurotypical" on the questionnaire where you have to read the faces and choose the emotion. 

Hi Out_of_step,

That's a very good point.  Thanks for mentioning it.

I'm still undecided whether or not to tell my tutor yet.  I wonder if I should wait until I have a diagnosis.  Even though I am anxious when I'm there, I don't think they can make any adjustments for me because I already work in the corner where I feel more comfortable.  If I tell my tutor 'I think I might be autistic', and then later it turns out that I'm not, I think I would feel awkward about that.  Even though it might be several months or longer until I know for sure. 

On the other hand, I wish I could just say 'I think I'm autistic and that would explain why I'm anxious so often.'  But I don't know if I can find the courage to say this until I have a definite diagnosis. 

Thanks a lot for your thoughts and support.

This is something I'm learning... you don't need to say "x makes me anxious because I'm autistic". If it makes you anxious, it makes you anxious. The tutor needs to help to make you feel comfortable.   If a non AS person were to say "X makes me anxious", the tutor would still need to make allowances. As Martin says

Martin said:

After all, your anxiety is real and not dependent on any clinical diagnosis.

Hi Martin, thanks for your reply.  I am doing something similar at the moment: I'm making a list of the Asperger's symptoms and then writing examples of my own experiences under each one.  I think I've covered everything I can remember now, but the document is 8 pages long.  I don't know if they will read it or not, but I feel I really need to describe everything because I don't think my scores will be very high.

I don't use stimming as far as I know, but I feel the need to keep checking things, like in OCD.  

Assessment often includes an initial AQ test. I scored borderline on one test and 'severely autistic' on another. All of the AQ tests have faults. The assessment is not directly dependent on test scores. I found looking at the clinical criteria for diagnosis and then assigning my own traits and behavioural history to the criteria was a very useful exercise. For example, I didn't think that I used stimming (I have never rocked or flapped my hands), but then remembered how I fiddle with small mechanical objects - clicking pens, opening and closing the tools on a Swiiss army knife etc, and how I used to spin around a lot as a child, and realised that I did stim. Before I filled in the questionnaire as part of the assessment I had 4 pages of A4 paper full of my autistic traits and history from the age of 4 upwards.

Maybe I will mention it to her after the class next week.  I'm worried that she might treat me differently, but I hope that she will be understanding. 
 
I actually already work in one corner of the room (the same spot every week :)  But I want her to know in any case.  I just feel that I often come across as weird and I want to explain why.  

I'm confused at the moment because yesterday I took a few online tests at aspietests.org.  I know online tests are only online tests, but my scores were confusing.  They were higher than average for neurotypicals, but lower than average for people with ASD.  If the tests are accurate, then either it means I am at the very bottom end of the autistic spectrum, or it means I'm a neurotypical who maybe has a different issue e.g. social anxiety that has meant that I haven't developed social skills as much as normal.  One test I took said I was probably neurotypical.  But on another test I took (to do with social masking and camouflaging) I got a high score for masking. I'm guessing that in the official assessment, perhaps they also use numerical scores, and maybe I might score too low to be diagnosed with ASD, in which case I guess I would need to use self-help resources.

I was mostly thinking about space, if you could be to one side, rather than in the middle of the class it might be less anxiety-causing. Perhaps asking your tutor for a quick word after class might be the easiest. I know that many autistics, myself included, find using phones difficult. I think emails may be similarly difficult. We find picking up social cues a challenge, so that the more sensory feedback that's available the better.

Hi Martin, thanks for your reply.  Regarding adjustments, I think it's great that employers and tutors are required to make changes to help autistic people.  With my art class though, I can't think of any changes that could be made, and in any case I wouldn't want them to make any adjustments - I wouldn't want to become more conspicuous or be treated differently to others, as I think I would feel even more anxious.  Do you mean adjustments in terms of the room or the space, or in terms of how they talk to you?

I think I would like to tell my tutor, but I'm not sure the best way.  Email would avoid the awkwardness of telling her in person, but then I wouldn't see how she reacted, and I might then be worrying about it.  (I find online communication difficult because I can't see people's reactions, and I tend to worry about them.  I've come off social media for this reason.  I don't know if this is something that autistic people commonly struggle with, or whether this is more of a neurotypical thing?)  On the other hand, if I told her in person, I might find it difficult to choose the right moment.  I was going to tell her last week, and all day I was wondering when would be the right moment.  I don't know if this is an autistic thing or not, but I often worry about whether it's appropriate or not to bring something up.  I guess maybe in some situations, there's no right answer.

Hi, It is not easy to decide who to disclose to. At the moment I have only told my family and closest friends about my diagnosis. I am contemplating whether or not to make this more widely public. However, if I were still in employment or studying I would certainly inform my employers or tutors. If only because they can then, as they are required to, make accommodations. Pre-diagnosis, this is a more difficult call, but, in my opinion, telling your art tutor would probably be a useful thing to do, especially as you are experiencing anxiety in class. After all, your anxiety is real and not dependent on any clinical diagnosis.

Hi Martin,
Thanks for sharing these specific examples of how autistic and neurotypical people can behave differently in friendships.  It's a bit confusing because in some ways I think my friendship behaviour is neurotypical, but there have been several occasions throughout my life where I haven't picked up on signals and have made big mistakes.  I think it's only going to become clear after I've had the proper assessment whether or not I'm on the spectrum.  I have an acquaintance whose son is autistic, and I remembered him recently when I was researching about autism.  I contacted him and told him I think I might be autistic.  I was expecting him to say he thought I wasn't, but he said 'speaking frankly, I always thought you were an Aspie'.  He told me he had seen signs in me that he's seen in his Aspergers son, so I've asked if he can make a list that I can send to my doctor.

You mentioned telling friends that I'm awaiting assessment.  I'm finding it difficult to decide who I can tell.  The person I see most at the moment is my art tutor, at the painting class I take once a week.  I don't know if I can call her a friend, but we get on very well.  I want to tell her that I think I might be autistic, but I don't know whether or not it's appropriate.  The reason I want to tell her is because I'm often very anxious in the class (I find it difficult to paint in a room with several other people) and, now that I know that the anxiety may be because of autism, I want to tell her so that she understands what's going on.  But I'm worried that telling her might be awkward or that it might be too much information.  It's difficult to judge.  (I often find myself not able to judge whether I should say something or not.)  I think I will wait for a time when it might come up naturally in conversation.  Or maybe I won't say anything unless I actually am diagnosed as autistic.  The trouble is that I won't know for several months.

The friends I have told about my diagnosis have all been very kind and supportive, one even said that she suspected that she might be autistic herself. I think it depends on the qualities of the people you tell. Not everyone will make allowances, or be understanding.