Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,I'm a 38 year old female and I think I may have Asperger's. My GP is going to refer me for an assessment.
I've always found socialising difficult, but thought I was just shy or had social anxiety. But recently I noticed something worrying: I keep falling out with friends or offending them without intending to. I don't know if this is a symptom of Asperger's or not? Could someone clarify this? The worrying thing was that I couldn't predict when it was going to happen, and sometimes I didn't even understand why it had happened. That's when I started researching and trying to find out what the problem could be. When I read about Asperger's, and symptoms like 'masking', I realised that I have masked all my life. I realised that maybe the reason I have low self esteem is because I could never understand why I couldn't be social like others could.
Anyway, I am very pleased to have found this community. Thank you! It is great to know that I'm not alone in this experience.
I have some questions about diagnosis. I am somewhat worried because I understand that many high-functioning autistic females are misdiagnosed. I've read that if you do get an Asperger's diagnosis, you can access help and support. Can anyone tell me what kind of help you can access, specifically in terms of therapy: can you get help developing social skills, and help for low self esteem and anxiety, for example? What kind of therapy is it? Can you get to the stage where you can function more easily and get less anxious?
If I get diagnosed as NOT autistic, can I still participate in this forum? I guess I could still read self-help books for Asperger's, and use what is relevant? I am currently on the waiting list for CBT for anxiety (I have had therapy several times in my life, for issues including an eating disorder, low self esteem, anxiety, and insomnia, and I'm currently waiting for more therapy). I suppose I could tell the therapist that I suspect I have Asperger's, but they wouldn't be able to give me specialist help for autism, but perhaps they could help me with social anxiety.
Thank you!
A few possible insights on the friendship thing. Autistic people tend to think that friendships stay in a form of stasis; that if you are not in contact for a time, then when you re-establish contact things will be exactly the same. However, neurotypicals work at maintaining friendships by keeping up contact and feel neglected and sometimes offended when this is not forthcoming. Another aspect is that autistics tend to be poor at picking up social cues, especially facial expressions and body language. This means that we often do not notice that we have offended someone until they are totally exasperated and actually say what the problem is. This also works in reverse, we are poor at giving out these signals, and may offend because we don't sound or appear to be concerned or sympathetic, when we very well might be. If you trust your friends, it might be worth telling them that you are awaiting assessment and point out some of your social limitations, they may be more understanding.
Perfectly agree with you. It is my daily life. Now I said I Autistic or I show my card. It is a first step, but it is not enough, because deeply nobody change.Maybe do you have another expériences or solutions or where to find help?
The friends I have told about my diagnosis have all been very kind and supportive, one even said that she suspected that she might be autistic herself. I think it depends on the qualities of the people you tell. Not everyone will make allowances, or be understanding.
As a tutor myself I have students who worry. They are usually the most conscientious ones and are afraid to get things wrong. (This is also a descrption of myself.) I don't know if they are on the spectrum or not but I try to help them whatever way. Don't feel you have to apologise for being a worrier. If you feel it'd help then maybe it's a good idea but I don't know you or your tutor! What are you studying?
That's a very good point.
Hi Out_of_step,
Thanks for your reply. That's a helpful suggestion - to think about why I'm telling a particular person. I think with my tutor, I feel I want to apologise and explain. For example, I'm often anxious and worry a lot, and I just want to tell her that maybe this is why. It feels like I want to apologise, even though I don't think she expects this of me. But I haven't yet decided if I'm going to say anything until I am diagnosed.
I'm not going to tell my work manager, because I work from home (I have always done in this particular job, even since before the pandemic) and I have always managed to hold down a job and function reasonably well, so I don't think he needs to know. As far as I understand from what I've read, I don't have disclose to any employers or potential employers. I wouldn't want to harm my chances of getting work, I know it shouldn't be like that, but I wouldn't want to take the risk.
On my journey of self discovery, I told my manager that I identified with many traits although hadn't been diagnosed at the time. At the time of this conversation I was signed off work with anxiety and I felt it a good opportunity to mention it.
One thing I will say from experience. If you do decide to tell someone (either I am AS or I think I might be) you need to know WHY you are telling them. I've found for myself, its no good just telling people because they won't know what to do with the information. It needs to be "I'm AS/potentially AS this is how you can help me when I need help" or, "I'm AS / potentially AS and this is what I find difficult".
Just out of interest, what were your Aspie test scores? I scored higher than "neurotypical" on the questionnaire where you have to read the faces and choose the emotion.
That's a very good point. Thanks for mentioning it.
I'm still undecided whether or not to tell my tutor yet. I wonder if I should wait until I have a diagnosis. Even though I am anxious when I'm there, I don't think they can make any adjustments for me because I already work in the corner where I feel more comfortable. If I tell my tutor 'I think I might be autistic', and then later it turns out that I'm not, I think I would feel awkward about that. Even though it might be several months or longer until I know for sure.
On the other hand, I wish I could just say 'I think I'm autistic and that would explain why I'm anxious so often.' But I don't know if I can find the courage to say this until I have a definite diagnosis.
Thanks a lot for your thoughts and support.
This is something I'm learning... you don't need to say "x makes me anxious because I'm autistic". If it makes you anxious, it makes you anxious. The tutor needs to help to make you feel comfortable. If a non AS person were to say "X makes me anxious", the tutor would still need to make allowances. As Martin says
Martin said:After all, your anxiety is real and not dependent on any clinical diagnosis.
Hi Martin, thanks for your reply. I am doing something similar at the moment: I'm making a list of the Asperger's symptoms and then writing examples of my own experiences under each one. I think I've covered everything I can remember now, but the document is 8 pages long. I don't know if they will read it or not, but I feel I really need to describe everything because I don't think my scores will be very high.I don't use stimming as far as I know, but I feel the need to keep checking things, like in OCD.
Assessment often includes an initial AQ test. I scored borderline on one test and 'severely autistic' on another. All of the AQ tests have faults. The assessment is not directly dependent on test scores. I found looking at the clinical criteria for diagnosis and then assigning my own traits and behavioural history to the criteria was a very useful exercise. For example, I didn't think that I used stimming (I have never rocked or flapped my hands), but then remembered how I fiddle with small mechanical objects - clicking pens, opening and closing the tools on a Swiiss army knife etc, and how I used to spin around a lot as a child, and realised that I did stim. Before I filled in the questionnaire as part of the assessment I had 4 pages of A4 paper full of my autistic traits and history from the age of 4 upwards.
Maybe I will mention it to her after the class next week. I'm worried that she might treat me differently, but I hope that she will be understanding. I actually already work in one corner of the room (the same spot every week :) But I want her to know in any case. I just feel that I often come across as weird and I want to explain why. I'm confused at the moment because yesterday I took a few online tests at aspietests.org. I know online tests are only online tests, but my scores were confusing. They were higher than average for neurotypicals, but lower than average for people with ASD. If the tests are accurate, then either it means I am at the very bottom end of the autistic spectrum, or it means I'm a neurotypical who maybe has a different issue e.g. social anxiety that has meant that I haven't developed social skills as much as normal. One test I took said I was probably neurotypical. But on another test I took (to do with social masking and camouflaging) I got a high score for masking. I'm guessing that in the official assessment, perhaps they also use numerical scores, and maybe I might score too low to be diagnosed with ASD, in which case I guess I would need to use self-help resources.
I was mostly thinking about space, if you could be to one side, rather than in the middle of the class it might be less anxiety-causing. Perhaps asking your tutor for a quick word after class might be the easiest. I know that many autistics, myself included, find using phones difficult. I think emails may be similarly difficult. We find picking up social cues a challenge, so that the more sensory feedback that's available the better.