Published on 12, July, 2020
I got my diagnosis a couple of months ago and after 51 years it made perfect sense to me. So much of what makes me, me, and so many of the difficulties that I've wrestled with, in particular with family relationships, is clarified.
I'm happy with my diagnosis and it's by no means marginal, but I wondered whether anyone else has experience of family refusing to accept it. My mum was involved in the assessment which I found quite difficult for a lot of reasons not least having to admit to stuff that she didn't know anything about. She's had some time to absorb it now though and she's basically decided(on what basis I don't know) that she thinks the diagnosis is wrong.
I know with every fibre of my being that it's right, and it doesn't altogether surprise me that she can't accept it but it feels like I'm being pushed back into the box that my family have always put me in, that never fitted me but they couldn't be bothered to see it. It feels like she's determined to deny who I am. I effectively 'disappeared' for around 15 years in my 20s because I was so desperate to get away from my family's perception of me, and I know (because she made it very clear during the assessment) that that hurt her, but she can't see that my diagnosis and the inability of my family to accept me as I am was the reason I withdrew from them. I'm trying to stay engaged at the moment, particularly since my dad died a few weeks after my diagnosis, but this determuned denial makes me feel like I did back then, like I want to just leave the planet and not have to deal with them at all.
Sorry, this sounds whiney. I'm really glad to be here but I don't have many people to talk to, so any advice would be gratefully received.
I have no direct experience. (I'm not yet diagnosed, but if I am, I do know that if I were to tell my daughter, she wouldn't believe me, so I probably never would). A parent is different though, especially with the history you have. I think I'd be inclined to write her a letter, basically what you wrote here, explaining how her refusal to accept you, and your diagnosis, makes you feel and how you're having to fight leaving again. You'll have time, in a letter, to explain fully. Time to word it exactly as you need it to be worded, rather than trying to verbally explain (which I can never do because I get in a tizz and either go mute or talk rubbish!).
At the end of the day, if you were diagnosed with, say, MS would she argue that that diagnosis was wrong? It could be that she's just gone into denial, too worried about how you'll be affected by the 'autism label', as it were. You could put her worries to rest in the letter, let her know it's not freaking you out.
Thank you, that sounds like a plan. I'm better on paper.