Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello Everyone, I’m Charlotte and I need a little bit of advice. I’m in a happy relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years and have suspected for a while now that he is Autistic. I’ve mentioned it to him very casually before and we’ve had a relaxed and hypothetical conversation about it, but nothing solid. Recently i’ve seen an escalation/worsening of his anxiety levels which i’m trying my best to support him through, but am finding it tough as a lot of what he is finding hard, I think is linked to his Autism. I’ve been tempted a number of times to explain to him that he finds certain things more challenging because that’s just how his brain is wired and that’s ok! (i’m dyspraxic so also have this challenge!) My question is, is this helpful? I don’t want to sit him down and have a proper conversation about why I think he is Autistic if it ultimately won’t help him. Interestingly, I received a late diagnosis for dyspraxia and when I did it was like a light had been turned on and everything clicked into place, I can now make reasonable adjustments to accommodate and knowing the reason why I can’t do certain things gives me a certain level of comfort. Does having an Autism diagnosis / awareness of potentially being autistic help in the same way, or would this cause him more anxiety? All I want to do is support my boyfriend in the best way I can but just because knowing helps me won’t necessarily help him! Any help or advice at all would be hugely appreciated. Thank you
Hi, CharlotteI've only just come across your post. I'd like to give you a more considered response, but I feel quite concerned by some of the assertions you make about your boyfriend that I feel compelled to point them out to you.
Charlotte said:suspected for a while now that he is Autistic
You may be well intentioned in your suspicions, but on what evidence are you actually basing these assumptions?
Charlotte said:a lot of what he is finding hard, I think is linked to his Autism
Here again, although your may think you are acting in his best interests, you appear to have diagnosed him as autistic and are trying to justify your diagnosis of him. Who are you seeking to convince? Him or yourself? And what makes you such an expert on autism?
Charlotte said:I’ve been tempted a number of times to explain to him that he finds certain things more challenging because that’s just how his brain is wired
It's clear from this statement that you have already decided that he is autistic and are now viewing all his difficulties through the prism of your autism diagnosis of him, which is one you have made purely on your own suspicions and without any expertise in the matter.
Charlotte said:My question is, is this helpful?
No, it's not helpful. Frankly, I would be upset if anyone, especially someone close to me, were to try and convince me of a diagnosis purely based on their suspicions - and without any evidence or expertise.
Charlotte said: I received a late diagnosis for dyspraxia and when I did it was like a light had been turned on and everything clicked into place
Congratulations! I know how life-changing this can be. However, it sounds as if you are trying to transfer your own positive experience of receiving a late diagnosis of a developmental condition onto your boyfriend. You may be well intentioned, hoping that it has the same positive effect on him as yours did on you, but it's still an inconsiderate and arrogant way to behave towards him.Take care and keep us updated!