Should I tell my partner I think he is Autistic?

Hi, Charlotte

I've only just come across your post. I'd like to give you a more considered response, but I feel quite concerned by some of the assertions you make about your boyfriend that I feel compelled to point them out to you.

Charlotte said:

suspected for a while now that he is Autistic

You may be well intentioned in your suspicions, but on what evidence are you actually basing these assumptions?

Charlotte said:

a lot of what he is finding hard, I think is linked to his Autism

Here again, although your may think you are acting in his best interests, you appear to have diagnosed him as autistic and are trying to justify your diagnosis of him. Who are you seeking to convince? Him or yourself? And what makes you such an expert on autism?

Charlotte said:

I’ve been tempted a number of times to explain to him that he finds certain things more challenging because that’s just how his brain is wired

It's clear from this statement that you have already decided that he is autistic and are now viewing all his difficulties through the prism of your autism diagnosis of him, which is one you have made purely on your own suspicions and without any expertise in the matter.

Charlotte said:

My question is, is this helpful?

No, it's not helpful.  Frankly, I would be upset if anyone, especially someone close to me, were to try and convince me of a diagnosis purely based on their suspicions - and without any evidence or expertise. 

Charlotte said:

I received a late diagnosis for dyspraxia and when I did it was like a light had been turned on and everything clicked into place

Congratulations! I know how life-changing this can be. However, it sounds as if you are trying to transfer your own positive experience of receiving a late diagnosis of a developmental condition onto your boyfriend. You may be well intentioned, hoping that it has the same positive effect on him as yours did on you, but it's still an inconsiderate and arrogant way to behave towards him.

Take care and keep us updated!

You're welcome, I there are countless YouTube videos that talk about autism I adults that are really good for both sides of the coin (for someone that is autistic and for someone that just wants to learn).

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-FpBZR7DbpvNj5UrFN8qUA

that is a great channel he he has a video on there for someone in your position who thinks someone close to them is on the spectrum. and lots of others covering traits and more.

I think you're probably doing the right thing if he gets obsessed with things or has very specific special interests and he doesn't care about much or anything else, just go through that journey with him and talk to him about what he's thinking about a particular situation rather than saying something like "I understand" talk about it and have a meaningful discussion but yes if it's something that becomes distressing for him distract him and maybe come back to it once he's calmer and less stressed and better able to think.

A big thing for me and I'm sure other autistic people out there is to also just be clear with what you say to him as well when talking about this stuff because reading between the line is not something we're good at say what you mean and try not to say things where he might have to infer your meaning that is stressful and confusing.

Hi O, thank you so much for your reply :)

Your point about asking what he is thinking instead of feeling is really helpful, as like you, he gets confused with emotions, i’m definitely going to try doing that! 

I can also see some parallels to what you have said about becoming obsessed as my boyfriend has a tendency to obsess over a lot of things anyway (linked again to his anxiety). He replays situations again and again both in his head and acts them out to me, which serves to both soothe him but also at times has the opposite effect and makes things worse. There are times I have to stop him or distract him as he gets into a spiral and almost beats himself up (not literally) for how he could or should have behaved or responded to a situation. I definitely don’t want to add to that or make it worse, and I can see how telling him might have that effect. 

I also completely agree with you about not forcing my opinion on him and it’s a helpful reminder thank you. 

I’ve encouraged him to see a counsellor for his anxiety and he has sessions once a week which seems to be helping him, but i’ll try and use your suggestion of causes for anxiety too for when he needs me to support him :) 

Thank you so much! 

It's a tough topic to get into, it's one thing having a casual conversation about it in almost jokingly way, my friend in college who has an autistic brother would often say I'm just like her brother own the way we are. But if you want to take it further you CANNOT force your opinion on him.

It's a very personal thing to come to the realisation you're autistic and it makes you think a lot your life especially if you had a lot difficulty growing up in school and so one, I found out through my own research as I was feeling anxious and just generally struggling with a lot of things I can't get into because this will becoming the length of a 500 page book but I came across a video of 5 autism traits in adults (which I'm assuming you are) and it went on from there for around 2 months I became obsessed I spent all day and night researching as I wanted to be sure but all I found was more and relatable things being said.

I think a good think to do would be for you to have a conversation with him about what he is thinking and feeling, I say what he is "thinking" because asking autistic people how they "feel" can be confusing I know it is for me I get confused by my emotions all the time. Maybe encourage him to look into causes of anxiety and so on. Again it's all very subjective I don't know his level of knowledge when it comes to autism I didn't know a thing before I was researching and diagnosed he may well know a lot and you might be able to say to him "look why you don't you look into autism with adults"

Not sure if this helps hope it does I'm not the best at explaining my self sometimes, if you have questions about anything more specific just reply.

O