Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello Everyone, I’m Charlotte and I need a little bit of advice. I’m in a happy relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years and have suspected for a while now that he is Autistic. I’ve mentioned it to him very casually before and we’ve had a relaxed and hypothetical conversation about it, but nothing solid. Recently i’ve seen an escalation/worsening of his anxiety levels which i’m trying my best to support him through, but am finding it tough as a lot of what he is finding hard, I think is linked to his Autism. I’ve been tempted a number of times to explain to him that he finds certain things more challenging because that’s just how his brain is wired and that’s ok! (i’m dyspraxic so also have this challenge!) My question is, is this helpful? I don’t want to sit him down and have a proper conversation about why I think he is Autistic if it ultimately won’t help him. Interestingly, I received a late diagnosis for dyspraxia and when I did it was like a light had been turned on and everything clicked into place, I can now make reasonable adjustments to accommodate and knowing the reason why I can’t do certain things gives me a certain level of comfort. Does having an Autism diagnosis / awareness of potentially being autistic help in the same way, or would this cause him more anxiety? All I want to do is support my boyfriend in the best way I can but just because knowing helps me won’t necessarily help him! Any help or advice at all would be hugely appreciated. Thank you
Hi O, thank you so much for your reply :)
Your point about asking what he is thinking instead of feeling is really helpful, as like you, he gets confused with emotions, i’m definitely going to try doing that!
I can also see some parallels to what you have said about becoming obsessed as my boyfriend has a tendency to obsess over a lot of things anyway (linked again to his anxiety). He replays situations again and again both in his head and acts them out to me, which serves to both soothe him but also at times has the opposite effect and makes things worse. There are times I have to stop him or distract him as he gets into a spiral and almost beats himself up (not literally) for how he could or should have behaved or responded to a situation. I definitely don’t want to add to that or make it worse, and I can see how telling him might have that effect.
I also completely agree with you about not forcing my opinion on him and it’s a helpful reminder thank you.
I’ve encouraged him to see a counsellor for his anxiety and he has sessions once a week which seems to be helping him, but i’ll try and use your suggestion of causes for anxiety too for when he needs me to support him :)
Thank you so much!
You're welcome, I there are countless YouTube videos that talk about autism I adults that are really good for both sides of the coin (for someone that is autistic and for someone that just wants to learn).
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-FpBZR7DbpvNj5UrFN8qUA
that is a great channel he he has a video on there for someone in your position who thinks someone close to them is on the spectrum. and lots of others covering traits and more.
I think you're probably doing the right thing if he gets obsessed with things or has very specific special interests and he doesn't care about much or anything else, just go through that journey with him and talk to him about what he's thinking about a particular situation rather than saying something like "I understand" talk about it and have a meaningful discussion but yes if it's something that becomes distressing for him distract him and maybe come back to it once he's calmer and less stressed and better able to think.
A big thing for me and I'm sure other autistic people out there is to also just be clear with what you say to him as well when talking about this stuff because reading between the line is not something we're good at say what you mean and try not to say things where he might have to infer your meaning that is stressful and confusing.