Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello. I’ve been trying to post this for several weeks now but between not knowing how to use a forum and not wanting to ask for help I’ve only thought about it for some time. Essentially, after much research and YouTube watching I’m inclined to say I’m most likely on the spectrum. I’ve got a list of symptoms that say so and I’ve taken the AQ twice and gotten a 43 and 45. For the past few months I’ve been speaking with a counsellor who thinks I might have a personality disorder and OCD. I haven’t gotten to talk to her about these new thoughts since they’re a fairly recent development, but I will in 4 days. I’m worried she’ll be dismissive of me like the med doctor was. I’m worried everyone will be dismissive. I used to think I was the strongest person mentally way back in elementary school like 20 years ago when I was around 7. I used to think I was the only person lucid like everyone else lacked self awareness. I thought friends were pointless and do not speak unto spoken too. I would hit other kids because they were too loud and break things because I was frustrated. My mom was oblivious to me being different at all and still is to this day even though she’s been told about my lack of friends and how at work I do my job entirely alone. Before I started speaking to my counsellor I had voiced my opinion to my mom about how I feel different and told her some of the reasons why and she dismissed it as normal. Then again she says things like “I’m not addicted to smoking, I’m addicted to smoke breaks” and “I don’t understand how you could have depression” or “only violent people have personality disorders”.
I do not care what she thinks but being dismissed makes me angry. The person I really need to believe me is my fiancé but I haven’t been able to ask her. She is the only person I truly have in my life and while she accepts me for all my oddities I feel like if I try to explain this to her she will be dismissive too. I’m worried she wouldn’t be able to see past the stereotypes or be to biased to let me put a label on it.
im going to put the list of my symptoms down here. I was reading lists of symptoms and writing down the ones that apply but I assure you there’s more.
Please give me your opinion on whether or not you think I may be on the spectrum and how to tell my fiancé. I don’t know how to ask for help properly, I’m mostly by myself always
1Find joining in conversation difficult
2Small talk is difficult
3Can’t carry conversation
4Speak in flat monotone voice
5Repeat myself when saying things on occasion
6Excessively pursue my interest of guns and knives and talk about it when I can
7Don’t make eye contact with most people
8Make up words and phrases and say them randomly
9Have difficulty multi tasking
10Trip over everything, drop things randomly
11Skin picking-stimming
12Move muscles in pattern
13Tap out patterns with finger
14Like working and doing things alone
15Didn’t graduate school
16Previous contact with mental health professionals
17See patterns and numbers everywhere
18OCD traits
19Almost no empathy
20Trouble processing certain thoughts
21Don’t like sticky things-textures
22Sometimes seem rude
22Mom says if I’m not interested in something I start to tune out
23Don’t like people walking to closely behind or friendly patting on the back
24 Won’t eat leftovers
25 Good at arithmetic
26 Bothered by random noises sometimes
27no friends
1-Find joining in conversation difficult: Yes
2-Small talk is difficult: Yes
3-Can’t carry conversation: I try to don't always succeed.
4-Speak in flat monotone voice: No
5-Repeat myself when saying things on occasion: Rarely
6-Excessively pursue my interest of guns and knives and talk about it when I can: Not guns but other things
7-Don’t make eye contact with most people: Yes
8-Make up words and phrases and say them randomly: rarely
9-Have difficulty multi tasking: depends on the tasks.
10-Trip over everything, drop things randomly: No
11-Skin picking-stimming: no
12-Move muscles in pattern: yes
13-Tap out patterns with finger: yes
14-Like working and doing things alone: working yes, other thing not so much
15-Didn’t graduate school: got a degree, a masters and a phd
16-Previous contact with mental health professionals: yes, I approached them.
17-See patterns and numbers everywhere: patterns to some extent,
18-OCD traits: too vague to respond.
19-Almost no empathy: No, I sometimes have difficulty with sympathy ... there is a difference
20-Trouble processing certain thoughts: too vague to respond
21-Don’t like sticky things-textures: yes
22-Sometimes seem rude: yes
22-Mom says if I’m not interested in something I start to tune out: yes
23-Don’t like people walking to closely behind or friendly patting on the back: depends on the person
24-Won’t eat leftovers: depends if i like the food.
25-Good at arithmetic: no very bad
26-Bothered by random noises sometimes: depends
27-no friends: less than I'd like.
Now that you mention it, I wish I had clarified a few things. My counsellor says I have OCD traits because of repetitive movements, skin picking to the point of bleeding, ritualistic behaviours, anxiety, and repeating words occasionally. By trouble processing some thoughts I mean someone will tell me something to my face and It’s like I hear the words but sometimes it takes seconds to process. More or less with certain things. I appreciate you going through the list and writing the differences for what it’s worth.