Published on 12, July, 2020
I hope I'm not wasting anyone's time, as it would be quite an understatement to suggest this is a common thread topic here.
I keep stumbling across descriptions of autistic experiences and having "what do you mean that isn't normal" moments. People also treat me like some kind of inhuman monster at every turn, so something is clearly off even if it's not an actual, verifiable status like autism. I'd like to think it might help to eliminate the possibility, so if at all possible, please bear with me.
I think the salient points can thusly be summarized:
I should point out, for whatever anecdotal assessments from random others is worth, that any mention of potential autism on my part by anyone who has seen me operate in person is usually met with derision. If I'm at all on the spectrum, then I'm almost certainly "high functioning."
I could elaborate rather endlessly, but if anyone has bothered to read this and doesn't mind answering, does any of this at all indicate I may be on the spectrum, and how might I better assess myself?
You could totally be autistic. I don't think any of the things you said here are in direct "opposition" to autism. Sure, I imagine an autistic could be sadistic. I can relate with how that might feel stimulating. I personally would not be able to follow through on any intentional harming... but i don't suppose that this is a *requirement* for autism, either.
If you haven't yet, hop on over to YouTube. There are Soooo Manyyyyy people who are seriously trying to identify if they could be autistic, and Soooo Many who are recognizing that there is really no such things as "looking" or even "seeming" autistic, largely. Countless autistics would state that those around them don't think they could be autistic. That is because of societal misunderstanding about autism. It is not because we are not autistic. Research has progressed and the sheer variety of autistic people is better recognized now-a-days. Autistics can "look/seem" completely like anyone else. Its just that the average person doesn't know/understand this yet.
Personally, if you have researched, and you feel it n your gut that autism fits you, my friend, then it seems to me that it probably does. For me, learning about autism and freeing myself to claim that I am autistic has transformed my life so positively. I recognize that there is an incredible amount of misinformation on the internet about what autism is, and that can be very confusing to those of us who are seeking to identify ourselves. For example, an old perception is that autistics "don't have empathy" and that is all over the internet when you search about autism. But, talk to a handful of autistic adults and you'll quickly realize that that idea is crap. The majority of autistics I've heard from have said just as you have, that their level of empathy is incredibly acute, seemingly much more so than that of non-autistics.
I think the way that a lot of us can be kind of "within ourselves," and aren't as connected to others (at least in the same way as many non-autistics) gets mislabeled as "lack of empathy." A lot of us aren't that interested in other people, or constant company, or something. A lot of times we may not relate with why other peoples upsets would even be upsetting. But that in no way means that we aren't profoundly moved by the feelings and experiences of others. Many of us our obsessed with the inner workings of people. Tons of us are into psychology and related subjects.
Best of luck to you as you continue to discover yourself.