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Do I even exist?

Butterflies
over 3 years ago

Hi all, 

I’m new here and thought I’d introduce myself:)

Im 34 (female) living in London. I’ve never been diagnosed but have been on the waiting list for 4years. Autism Society pre-assessment said I needed a full assessment but NHS has refused to pay so I’ve been waiting for community mental health team to support me.

I used to receive counselling for abuse and a lot of childhood trauma, but talking therapies have said that my issues are too complex and they can no longer support me. They referred me to another service that told me I should join an online forum as it’s very unlikely I’ll get support.

I’ve tried to seek long term support but to no avail. Sad thing is that a close friend of mine with similar issues committed suicide several years ago due to not receiving any support at all. I’m not suicidal but I do get extremely low a lot. When I get really low I call helplines- just wish I could have long term support... I’m not needy I promise! 

I most definitely presented with all the signs of being autistic as a child, but it was never picked up by anyone. I’ve taught myself how to fit in and pick up social cues. I’m high functioning and an over achiever, with a great job and financial independence.... but still not happy.

More than anything I wish I had some friends who I can speak to about how I feel and what I’m going through. I’m lonely, confused and very scared of going outside. I work from home mainly and can easily spend several weeks in my room without going anywhere. I dont even use my living room- so it looks like a show-house lol

Lockdown has been great as I haven’t had to make excuses for not going out. I’ve had plenty of time to cook, clean and do 1000piece puzzles. I’m worried that when the world opens up again I’ll be left behind once more. I used to cry every weekend without fail. The thought of everyone outside living their best lives and me alone in my room really bothers me; but sometimes I just really can’t go outside. It’s too scary. I have sooo many associates but zero friends. The only time my phone rings is when it’s work related. Nobody calls me otherwise.

Sometimes I wonder if I actually exist. Is this real? Am I real? I pinch myself a lot (not self harm) to see if I’m sleeping or not. 

anyways, it would be nice to meet some new people and share experiences.

Thanks

”Never settle for anything other than butterflies” 

Parents
  • over 3 years ago

    Hi Butterflies & welcome,

    A lot of what you've said is familiar to my own situation. Although I am lucky enough to have 2 children, both with ASD, which is how I figured out what this thing I have is called. I always thought it was just me, so it was a huge lightbulb moment. I'm in my late 40's & been on the waiting lists for ASD & ADHD for around 18 months now. My aim is to get diagnosed before I am 50. 

    I think you'd feel a lot better if you were to get diagnosed, so I would seek out private options. If you wait for the NHS you'll never get anywhere by the sound of it. The Lorna wing centre specialises in diagnosing women & girls. I honestly would just bite the bullet & contact them. You work a lot of hours, so should be able to afford it, or save for it. It is an investment towards your future that you really need. I wish I'd done that years ago for my kids & me tbh. If I don't get anywhere this year I will probably look to go private. 

Reply
  • over 3 years ago

    Hi Butterflies & welcome,

    A lot of what you've said is familiar to my own situation. Although I am lucky enough to have 2 children, both with ASD, which is how I figured out what this thing I have is called. I always thought it was just me, so it was a huge lightbulb moment. I'm in my late 40's & been on the waiting lists for ASD & ADHD for around 18 months now. My aim is to get diagnosed before I am 50. 

    I think you'd feel a lot better if you were to get diagnosed, so I would seek out private options. If you wait for the NHS you'll never get anywhere by the sound of it. The Lorna wing centre specialises in diagnosing women & girls. I honestly would just bite the bullet & contact them. You work a lot of hours, so should be able to afford it, or save for it. It is an investment towards your future that you really need. I wish I'd done that years ago for my kids & me tbh. If I don't get anywhere this year I will probably look to go private. 

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